WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

My last thread is almost to 100 posts, so here is a new one. If you're looking to follow, here is the last thread which can get you to the five threads before it: WHG's last thread

And here is the last post from the last thread (edited for brevity):
Wowza... Well this day went to he11 in a hand basket fast. Day was going fine... Spent the morning with son while my w slept after working a night shift. we got home and shortly after my w woke up. W played a little with son while I watched. Then we picked up the house some. Turns out w had no plans tonight and neither did I (originally w was to work until 9pm tonight). She started making plans to go out and I told her that I had made plans (which I hadn't but I wasn't about to be left at home two nights in a row!). She said ok and agreed to stay with our son, which was good because he missed her a lot after four days of night shifts.

After dinner w says we need to talk about a date for telling the kids... Ugh... Ok, what are your thoughts? Jan 8. Wtf? That's next Sunday. We argue a little... She's always said she wanted to keep it away from SS's birthday ( which we are celebrating Jan 7, but is actually Jan 15). I point out that Jan 8 is pretty close. Her counter? It's after we celebrate it... Oh, well then, silly me... I'm sure it won't create bad memories that it happened the friggin day after his birthday. What was I thinking? She's so damn selfish...

But it is what it is... Either I agree or she tells them herself, so really not many options. After that I pretty much lose it... Tried to kee it from her and son, and I was leaving anyway. Had a good long cry and scream while driving on the interstate.

I'm better now. Again... Nothing is different now than it was 3 hours ago. Still separating, still divorcing, she's still moving. The only difference is that I get to crush my son's little heart next Sunday instead of in a few Sundays from now. Might as well get it over with, right?

Called my mom and cancelled my GAL plans for two weeks from now. I was going to go away for the weekend, but I believe my son will need me more that weekend.

One interesting moment came when my w told me she was discussing telling the kids with a doctor at work who is also a psychologist. He recommended not reeling them we are getting a divorce. Only that we are going to live apart for now and see what happens. That divorce is a big concept to process all at once... So we'll see.

I am thinking about asking my w if, on the day we do tell them, we can take them swimming that evening at the local hotel. All of us. I don't know if she will go or not, but I want to take them either way. I just think it would be good to show them that w and I can still function as mom and dad and can still be around each other for their benefit. That it's not just lip service when we say that. But I worry that it will send mixed messages to the kids...

So yeah.. Still pretty down but slowly surfacing. Time to go see a movie. Haven't been able to connect with friends to join me, so it may just be me, but I need the distraction right now. And movies dont give you a hangover

[workinghardguy]

Got home about 1am... movie was good, even if my heart wasn't quite in it. Went upstairs and into our bedroom and something was odd... it was quiet (we sleep with two fans on for white noise). It's then I realize my W isn't in bed. Panic a little about where the heck she is. I find her sleeping in SD's bed (SD is at her dad's house until Sunday).

I just laugh... because I can either laugh or I can cry. I truly don't understand this part. It's sleeping... really? I know my W's slept in some pretty odd/uncomfortable places in her life. But she now says next to me is too awkward. Ok. Myself... I'd have to fear for my life before I gave up my bed. And maybe that's why this is bothering me... I'm projecting my own reasoning on to her. I don't know why she feels the need to sleep elsewhere, but that's not my problem. I've already made it clear that since I'm not the one doing the leaving, I'm not the one leaving our bed.

S woke me up early... so much for sleep I guess I'll lay down once my W gets up. I can barely look at him right now without my heart breaking. I did a lot of reading last night, and all of it was bad. All of it told me how much early elementary kids blame themselves. One place actually did a great job helping me understand why they do so (it's because surely the world can't be so chaotic and capricious that moms and dads stop loving each other... that's crazy... instead it must be the kid's fault... it must be something they've done... that's at least makes sense). I'm just so terrified of what's coming for all three of them, but for my S most of all because he's so young. I hate this.

But I can't stop it, so we'll have to make it the best we can.

Tonight S and I are together for New Year's Eve; W is going to be out getting wasted and partying like a rock star again. I have a great night planned with him and it's all a surprise for him... but he's going to have a blast. It seems like the very least I can do... to send off 2011 with a high note, since 2012 looks to be a year we can all forget.

[Rick1963]

WHG I think the psychologist made a great point and hopefully W will listen. Yes kids will be affected but the way you treat your kids will lessened the blow. So keep being the great dad yoretreat are and 2012 will be a great year. Ok

[purgatory]

((WHG))

I have a S5 too, so I know exactly how you feel about "crushing him". Their little brains just can't grasp all that goes into a decision like this- so the only thing they *can* do is blame themselves.... I'm really worried about that too.

I can't tell how much you are suffering, and yet you still managed to get out of the house (even it was to get away so they don't see you cry) and you are planning a special night for you and S5.... it's admirable. 2012 will be what you make of it..... and it sounds like it's going to be the "year of the great dad!"

[sandi2]

But it is what it is... Either I agree or she tells them herself, so really not many options.

This is how I see things, the spouse who wants to end the M should be the one to tell the kids. However, the LBS must be there with them so that they hear the truth. IOW, instead of your WAW saying that "Daddy and I want to....", she needs to say that "Mommy wants to......." Somehow, I kind of doubt you'd stop her from saying it like she wants it said, but at the least you should not have to show that it's what you want.....when it's not. This should be part of her facing the music, so to speak, for her decisions. But, that's just MHO.

[workinghardguy]

@Sandi... I agree whole-heartedly with your viewpoint... unfortunately it's not what my C, her C (the one time she went), or SS's C says we need to do. We're supposed to present a "united front" to the kids. Otherwise the kids end up blaming the initiating parent, and that's not healthy for them. Apparently it's healthier to be angry with both parents equally

My C told me to not worry... eventually the kids will want to know what really happened, and that when they are old enough (15 or 16) we can tell them. So I always have that... I only have to suck it up for the next decade. What a deal, right?

But with all that said, part of me thinks the kids will know. They will know mom is moving out. They know there is no arguing, fighting, or abuse in our house. That there is nothing that dictates a move. And, especially for SS and SD, mom's already done this once before. And they both know that mom initiated that one.

What I am going to struggle with, and need to ask my C about, is how do I deal with the questions now. "Daddy, why did you stop loving mommy?" Well... I didn't, she did... that's the truth but that's not what I'm supposed to be saying apparently. That part has me confused.

[PERSEVERANCE]

I understand your pain. Telling the kids today... Both of us. I insisted that W tell them the truth, that She is the one asking for the D ... Not WE. Although WE both will continue to love them and will always be their mom n dad.

[workinghardguy]

I'll admit I was a bit apprehensive about this morning. I didn't know what to expect. A large part of me was concerned that, with the pretense of "for the kids" gone it was going to be a return to the bad, bad days, or that with this stress issue out in the open and a date set we could move to a better place between us.

W was in a great mood and her and I interacted better than we have in a long time. Like all the stress was gone. She even shared some fears and concerns; it's been a while since she exposed herself in this way.

We talked about last night. She apologized for dropping the date bomb on me the way she did, and I apologized for losing control of my emotions. We talked about how to tell the kids, more to come on that. We talked about my swimming idea and she agreed to it and thought it was a very good idea. To put our words (that we are friends, will still be mom and dad, and can still be a family just differently structured) into action right away so the kids can see it's not just smoke.

She revealed that she's struggling with the housing issue. That 3 bedroom places are more than she can swing. That perhaps she'll have to get a two-bedroom and get a pull-out couch for herself. That will get old fast, but I didn't react. I just said that people do what they have to, and that it is frustrating that rents in our town are so high (we're right near a military installation and the BAH rates drive up rents). I did give her a tip on the "secret" rental listings that the Army has through their housing office which are only available to Army personnel (many landlords in our town don't even bother to advertise, they simply list directly with post housing). I used to have an AKO login to get to them, but my contact left so my login died. However she works with enough Guard and Reservists that someone can access it for her.

We also talked about some logistics stuff that's been bugging me. On nights she works I will have SS, SD, and S with me. Maybe at my house; maybe at hers. But ultimately we have to end up at her house for bedtime, right? Well, W said she was fine with kids sleeping over here from time to time if need be... which I would like. And she was fine with me having S spend the night at her house on "my nights" and not having an issue as it relates to overnights and child support.

Anyway... this is a long way of saying that as heartbroken as I am at least I feel like this can work. I don't know about recon or all of that. But right now my focus is on a "functioning" family unit post divorce (whatever that terms means exactly). The more functional we are the less damage and impact we will have on the kids.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling/updates... New Year's Eve was a pretty fun night for S and I. We left well before W was heading out. I was surprised that she asked me to take lots of photos, that was out of character for her. She also asked me to have S call her before he went to bed. Also out of character.

I know from what I've written it doesn't seem my W is overly connected to the kids. And from a healthy mom/child R perspective she probably isn't. But, lately I have noticed an increase in her attachment, or attempts at attachment at least. I'm not sure if it's in response to my observations of how she shortchanges them, feelings about the coming sitch, or something else. But all in all it's a welcomed change.

S and I had a lot of fun. We went to a family event first. That was hard at times. The event was at our local convention center, which is where W's nursing school graduation was only a few years ago. Seems like last night there was a memory everywhere I looked. The parking lot where we first kissed. The restaurant where we told my mom my W was pregnant. The parking ramp where we made out before we went back to my place and ML for the first time. The plaza where we took our last "family photo" before her graduation ceremony. The same hall in the center where she graduated, I could even identify the seats we sat in to watch her get her diploma. That was pretty hard.

Afterward we grabbed some ice cream and then headed to an indoor amusement center. We stayed there until almost midnight playing laser tag, bumper cars, ropes course, and other stuff. S had a blast and so did I. Only succumbed to sorrow a few times. My S befriended some other boys and as we went to leave their dad thanked me and told me he thought it was great that I got in there and played with the kids too. That he'd love to do that but W wouldn't approve. I wanted to pause and chat with him to say, "just do it man... just do it anyway" but we were running late. We finished the night with fireworks from the bluffs and S was asleep by shortly after midnight as we drove home. W did call me about 11pm wondering if S had gone to bed and I'd forgotten to have him call her. TOld her no... we're just in the middle of bumper cars, we'll call you in a few

W got home around 6am this morning. I woke up at 5am and wasn't sure if she was home... I had the urge to go check, but then didn't care and went back to bed. Ran some errands and watched the football game today. Played some more Kinect with S. W and I talked a little about our nights. At one point I did have to got to the basement because the emotion of the coming convo with the kids just came out of nowhere and overwhelmed me.

Two moments from today that were especially tough... W was discussing her work schedule this week with me. She mentioned that she wants to get to the bookstore to get some children's books we've found that help little ones understand divorce. S overheard her and asked why she was going to the bookstore. W told him to get some books for him. He was so excited that we're getting books for him! W didn't know I could see her face (S wasn't able to see her face either) and I could see this tortured, painful look on her face and then she started to cry.

The other really hard moment was when S started to ask questions about family relations. Then about W's XH and SS and SD. We talked about it... about why mom and XH stopped being married. About how it happens some times and it doesn't mean mom or dad are bad and it's certainly not the kids' fault. After talking for a few minutes my S puts his head down on my chest, gives me a huge hug, and says "I hope that never happens to you and mommy, daddy." Oh god... just kill me now...

W posted to a mutual friend's FB page today about how she's trying to get to be a strong, single woman. I am pretty tired of her "heroine" storyline she's concocted in her head. There is nothing brave or heroic about what she is doing. I don't think she realizes that I am also FB friends with this woman. And the woman who posted the article about strong, single women certainly is entitled. She was the one who found out her fiance was already married and had a honey on the side besides her and his W. A few months ago that would've wrapped me up... now it just annoys me that she sees herself (or at least projects) as this brave, avant garde figure.

W works nights tonight until noon tomorrow and then will come home and sleep. So at least the house is mine for a while and I'm off tomorrow. I'll be taking down holiday stuff and will start to box it into "hers" and "mine". I suspect that will put me in a great mood.

Trying to remain strong... just wanting this week to be over and never wanting it to come all at the same time. By this time next week the telling of the kids will be complete... and I suspect we will have a very sad house.

[NYCPeter]

There is nothing brave or heroic about what she is doing.

I couldn't agree more - It's more brave and heroic to work on keeping your M and family intact.