I'll try to keep this short. Difficult to do for such a complex subject... Here are the bullet points - 1.) 14 months ago wife had an online affair with someone on the other side of the world. She felt she "loved" this individual and she wanted to move there to be with him. He is from her home country...so she understands the culture and language 2.) Several months of difficult times and counseling - but we worked through it. 3.) Since then, some improvements, but wife still depressed. Spends hours and hours, day and night on the Internet and practicing her new found spiritualism in Buddhism and "Dhamma". Believes that people do not have soles, nor do people control their own destiny...it's all about your "Karma" what happens to you. She believes in past lives and how these lives affect current life. Point to note: She was not into all of this when we got married a little more than 13 years ago. 4.) Six weeks ago, I was blindsided with a request from my wife...she wanted to have a relationship with someone else. I can honestly say I didn't see if coming...but the reason for this is I wasn't looking. I didn't realize that my wife was doing all she was doing because she was depressed. She neglected herself, me, and our children dealing with this. 5.) Since that night six weeks ago, she totally dropped my like a hot potato. She stays here at home on occasion...but often stays at her Mom's or sisters. Says she needs some space, time away from me. 6.) We went through the who ordeal with me finding out who the "other guy" was. As I expected, it was someone of her same culture (as opposed to me being Caucasian). 7.) I did all the begging, pleading, chasing....which culminated in what I thought was an end to the relationship she was having with this other individual...or so I thought. 8.) The relationship she was having with this person, I'm told, was not physical. My wife explained she was honoring her moral code and would not let it proceed to that while still married to me. However, I traced down all the online messages and there was conversation of a sexual nature (fantasy type stuff) and talk of love for one another. 9.) Lots of arguments ensued...between me and her and me and this other person in her life. 10.) I fell into depression..attempted suicide. 11.) Very suspicious and untrusting of my wife now...she disappears for hours on end, her cell phone battery conveniently "dead". Se assures me she is "shopping". 12.) Just under a week ago, she promises me (and she tells my mom) that given time, we'll work things out. 13.) A day or two later, she rescinds this. 14.) I have met in one telephone session with a divorce busting counseling...my chasing and pleading has stopped..and I am doing my best to keep a positive attitude...in hopes of my wife seeing my changes and wanting to come back to me. 15.) I have plenty of skeletons in my closet and very good reasons for my wife to leave me, but I have commited to change in a positive manner, and I'm trying to do all the "right" things, with a plan to continue this positive behavior. 16.) Wife has agreed to join me tomorrow evening for New Years Eve events aboard a ship. 17.) Wife has also agreed to join me in a couples counseling session on Tuesday of next week.
So here is my dilemma...I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with these "blackout" periods when my wife falls off the radar (can't contact her..no idea where she is at). I want to think positive that she is doing what she says she is, but it's difficult to believe when she drops my oldest son off with her sister (she knows he'd tell me if she took him with her to the "other guys" house - she isn't worried about this with my youngest), and her cell phone battery is always conveniently dead when she can charge it in her car.
I'm trying my best to not screw this up...but I don't think I can withstand the hurt and emotional toil I feel knowing my wife is potentially with someone else. I love her so much and I want to work this out. She has called the police on me several times..not because I am abusive. But because I wanted to talk and wouldn't take no for an answer.
I have an opinion on this. I am in a situation where I cheated on my wife and she found out. The reasons for what I did are irrelevant. She filed for divorce and I have been trying to get her to work things out for a month now. I have gone to a psychiatrist so I could understand why I do the things I do. I have made drastic changes within myself to be a better man. I have been trying to make her see this, and I made it a point to tell her every day I love her and I am sorry and I am doing everything I can to be the man I am supposed to be. She was trying for a couple weeks, and I was listening to the advice of others. They told me I have to let her know how much I love her. I have to prove to her that I am changing. And so I was trying. Here is what I did wrong, and here is what you seem to be doing wrong: I would not let myself see that what I am is not what she wants. It's an immensely tough pill to swallow. What I see now is that I should have throttled back and given her space and told her whatever she wants to do is what she should do to make her happy. Not that it's reverse psychology, or not blatently intentionally, but she may wonder why you suddenly don't need her to be there. She may need to stay home to figure out why she isnt as apparently important to you. It seems like something was missing, she found it some place else and it has consumed her. So make her feel like she needs to find it at home. The only way you may be able to do that is to let her know you are fine with her leaving. Tell her to go. See what she does. I wish I had have done that with my wife a month ago. As I have discovered, I smothered her with all the "look what I am doing. You can love me, really you can, just look!"Tthere is nothing attractive about that. I hope you get what you want. I pray for you. Good luck.
M-36. W-27 S-2 W moved out, filed for D after my A. I'm DBing the best I can! Learning every day, praying and hoping.
