Need HOPE- part II

[PERSEVERANCE]

Your right Wendy, I think that i need a DB coach. My W just clarified what she meant... She meant that a new/ better R isn't possible until she puts the old one to rest with a D. Her idea of working on our R is simply keeping contact with me, occasional walks or coffee dates & basically just watching my progress and keeping an open mind to a "sequel"
.... She is still scared that it is temporary. The changes are obvious. I guess I should be happy with this, right? I've only been home a few weeks. There is improvement in the R. Although not much that I can do to avoid the D. I'm okay with the D if it means the possibility of a fresh start .... Just have no idea how long it will take for her to realize how committed I am to improving ME. Months, years?

[labug]

I vote for DB coach to keep you on the right DB tack.

While I understand her point of view, that seems like a drastic and expensive move to get to dating. I also like Wendy's controlled separation suggestion.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey P!

I also hear/read that they need one month of the new you for every year of the old you to believe change is going to stick.

And I am at month 31 with my diet and exercise and weight loss and my H of 31 years is only now starting to act like I might keep it up!

I bet someone else weighs in here......

Aloha,

Wendy

[Coyote]

Hey P,

Good to hear from you too!

Yes, it's winter here on the Canadian prairies. Not there yet but the summers here actually rock! We have a lot of lakes around so at that time hot beach life takes over.

Yes, lately we've had some warmer spells where it hits 40 F for a while. Global warming? After that, back down to normal, 0 to even - 35 F sometimes. No exaggerations, no windchill adjustment. (Even other Canadians don't always favour our climate.)

What do you do when it gets that cold? Get mad or angry at the situation? Heck no! First and foremost if you live here that's the situation when winter hits. You keep physically active and occupied. If you take the time to make it, winter here can be wonderful! Wouldn't trade it. The arts community here is very active, more so in the winter. (Yes, I've travelled around and experienced warm climates. Even lived in south Louisiana for 2 years.)

However, if you start gazing at your navel and doing nothing in this winter, well, life's not going to be what it can be. I actually got reminded of this in my separation. Found out that I needed to be attentive to this winter so that I don't 'exaggerate' the marital situation I was already going through. Why make it worse than it needs to be? At that, how many of us add difficulties to our situations that don't need to be there, really? Indeed, from time to time it probably couldn't hurt if we each make a short list and cross out anything that doesn't need to be there. For sure, when needed we also need to add what does need to be in this list.

Hope you don't mind if I continue on this P, but one of the things on my short list is a winter Bbq. Back when I was going through my 'stuff' I heard of other folks doing that here. Even when it got...'cold.' Figured I'd give that a try. Turned out to be way more fun than I'd thought it'd be. It's become a winter staple now. Sure, it gets cold here but everybody dresses up. Get the fire going. Pump out the music. Get the lights going, a great cuisine and a bit o' wine. It can be a lot of fun with friends and family. (Not only that, it's a good way to stick it to ol' man winter. Got smoked lamb and/or duck and shark planned for this winter's fair.)

On another note, I was looking through your post and I see that your W is happy with your changes. You communicate better. Cracks of sunlight is peeking through. However, what I really like is that whatever you're doing you sound upbeat and positive. Sounds like you're really getting the baseline covered. That baseline would be you. Keep it up!

When we do this DB thing many of us, at times, end up wanting quick tricks to short cut through things so we can get the prize and be done with this insanity. No, this has to work itself through. We can't push our WAS. When we do they recoil.

Each of us needs to aspire to sort ourselves out and continue to work towards establishing happiness and contentment within ourselves. That is the real gem. If and when we fall short, we have to stop and take stock. Do our best to fix it then carry on.

Certainly, as long as the WAS is not off on a real bizarre tangent the stuff above will be attractive to them. They will come checking us out. However, the real icing on the cake comes in having a cool head and being able to work through stuff they do bring up with us. One by one.

P, your W wants a D to signify an end to the previous M so another R with you can be started? Fine, that's a step up from before. Keep it up, sounds like you're on the right track,

Coyote

PS> Have you considered a winter Bbq also? Just a thought.

[labug]

We winter bbq all the time...of course I'm in ARIZONA.

While your bbq sounds fun, however COLD.

I do like the metaphor, so true.

[kolja]

Hey P!

I also hear/read that they need one month of the new you for every year of the old you to believe change is going to stick.

And I am at month 31 with my diet and exercise and weight loss and my H of 31 years is only now starting to act like I might keep it up!

I bet someone else weighs in here......

Aloha,

Wendy

Well that should be interesting - we've only been married a year and a half, together two and a half, so by that logic it should be an interesting spring!

Perseverance, I highly recommend the coaching if you can swing the cash (and if you just came home from deployment, it's probably quite affordable for you). It's really helped me out.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks. I'm calling Tuesday to set something up. Any & all DB wisdom is appreciated. Yup, I read that too, 17 years = 17 months Just hoped it wasn't accurate.
Having trouble sometimes understanding my W...guess thats the norm for a WAW. I always feels as though I'm walking on egg shells...like she is waiting for me to trip up/ back slide. I've made mistakes & back-slide sometimes... but just small stuff. Haven't lost my temper. I always try to stay even-tempered, fair, & think before I speak.
On the subject of Winter- I definitely embrace it. I have been a "Polar Bear" ( swims in January... water temp is a bit > freezing) since I was 12... My oldest son & Golden Retriever also swim in the cold. Just went for a 7 mile hike with my "meet-up group ( part of my GAL) & then went for a run ( 16 degrees outside). Winter BBQ sounds like fun! I'll give it a try.

[WenikiTiki]

Ha Ha P! And I thought I was brave taking cold showers at the beach!

I looked into some meet-up groups. I was too old for the only group that looked like fun.

Hopefully some more will be formed. I did tell my youngest son he should give them a try.

I hope all is well with you. I have been keeping you in my prayers. I try to visualize each of my on-line friends DB doing well. It is how I get myself calmed down when I want to jump off the DB wagon. It works very well. Happy thoughts..... I'm so silly.

Aloha,

Wendy

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hey Everyone, hope all is well with you, your families & DB efforts.
Just posting now to get these thoughts outa my head-- I feel badly that I haven't been able to keep up on sitch's. I've been crazy busy lately - getting back to work ( post-Afghanistan civilian career), juggling things with the kids, STBX ( ouch- hurts to say that), GAL, house, dog..... Luckily, I work from a "home-office" and have a bit of flexibility, because my W moved a few miles away & I am taking care of most of the family things as well as making the majority of the $.
Looks like the D is moving forward... very fast in this state. W & I see each other everyday. Often we go for walks, out for coffee,gym.... She won't tell many people about the D. She said that she wants to work on our R, but the D allows a fresh start for us & also protection for her in case I become "evil" and our efforts at reestablishing a new/better R fail " better to have an amicable D now than a bitter expensive D later"
In my state- I really don't have many options. Despite the advice of her L, she isn't asking for alimony, child support & she isn't taking 1/2 of my 401k or any of my military pension. I basically have the house,kids and pay for most of the household expenses.
Kids are doing well- which is a huge concern. I love my Boys. This whole situation seems so dysfunctional...I'm surprising myself, my C & my W about how well I'm taking it....The "old me" would have been full of rage at some of this stuff. Still a DB novice...
I need to keep myself from pursuing my W...so tough because our sitch is a bit unusual. I see progress...tiny amounts of sun through the storm clouds.
Not DB recommended ( my mistake) - But I asked my W to tell me if I have unreasonable hopes / expectations that we will be together again, re-married. She said it is reasonable, but we need to take it day by day, work on our individual issues & maybe in a year or two we will have a "sequel" ( sequel-thats what her C calls it- so I know that it has been a topic that she has been discussing with her Therapist) ...Yup, I procrastinated getting the DB coach. Its on my to-do list for next week. Still meeting with my IC, won't stop ever probably.
Grabbing late night coffee with one of my groups, hiking this weekend with another club & snowboarding with the KIds...W may come along to ski too. Yup- just another busy day with my happy dysfunctional semi-broken family. GALing a bunch, working my 180 so feels natural & is becoming the norm, also becoming a marrow donor ( my new pay it forward attitude- charma)working my DB - but still backslide sometimes... YOU my DB cyber-buddies know the pain, effort & heartache that I'm dealing with .... but still definitely making progress.I need to be satisfied with the thought that I have a better ME, but deep down I know that I would be happier with a better ME & my W.
So much to be thankful for!
Peace & Healing for your sitch's/Take care
P.

[WenikiTiki]

I went looking to find you P!

Glad to hear you are keeping up with GAL. Don't know what to say about the speed of action and lack of demands. She really is a WAW!

I need to jet and get someone at the airport. Take care of yourself!

Aloha,

Wendy