I have run out of space on the initial thread so here is part 2.
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone and hope 2012 is very fruitful for you all (despite what the Mayan calendar predicts).
The Xmas gift of the 2" * 4" from 25 yrs, WHG, 2TP, Busto, Crimson, Mach 1 and so many others was the greatest gift and was much needed so thank you all. In a way you all have contributed to the the future of my family whatever that turns out to be, but it can only be for the better.
The Holidays have been quite busy with many things occuring between my W and I. If anyone has any thoughts pls feel free to share:
- on the Friday before Xmas my W went out after work with coworkers to celebrate. I got the call at midnight that she was hammered and afraid to finish the drive home, and could I come and get her. I did and it was a good thing because when I got there a cop was parked behind her waiting for me. I drove her home and the whole ride she held my hand just like old times. It may not seem like much to any of you but any type of physical affection from her is very rare.
- my W was opening Xmas cards to us when she opened one from my parents. I didn't know it had come nor know that it was addressed only to me, not the both of us. And inside they had placed a check for a sizeable amount of money. I have never had that happen in my life so I was pretty unprepared for it. They knew about our financial troubles and took it upon themselves to help this way. I understand the gesture and the love behind it but could not accept it. I thanked them and let them know I understand their love for me but can't accept the gift. My W was feeling pretty bad about the card being addressed only to me but admittedly had pushed them out of her life too. I told my parents what affect sending the card only to me had on her and did my best to ask them to see that we both need support right now. I'm hoping time will heal this rift.
- my W heard about a conversation from a friend that I had with her and which occured about six months ago. This was in the early stages of the bomb dropping and I was pretty stunned, hurt, angry, etc so I said a lot of things about what she had done to destroy our family. I told my wife that I did indeed say those things and explained where I was mentally/emotionally at the time. Fortunately we were both able to agree that at that time we were both out of our minds with the sitch and have been able to progress to a better place.
- my W has been talking a lot about her psyche sessions and the progress they have made in finding a source/explanation for her lifelong troubles. Its possible that after the abuse she suffered as a toddler and her father dying at age 8, that she suffered from arrested development in many key areas. It really does add up and explain many of her lifelong struggles. Its' a start. For her to actually see how this lead to her problems with trust and fidelity in a relationship, and how her actions were so harmful to the M is encouraging. She can see that on the surface her actions are very hypocritical, but by seeing a cause can possibly overcome this problem as it has always manifested in our M. Just the past few days I have seen her not accuse when in the past she would have turned innocent daily activities into threats. I'm hoping she can continue down this path. This is not to say that in the meantime I don't have my own issues to work on and have been doing so (with the occasional fallback).
- so Xmas day finally arrives and we have a huge breakfast feast with her, me, sons and girlfriends, MIL. It was so enjoyable and my W suggested we make the breakfast feast a family tradition. Coming from her that's a big deal and I definitely agreed we should do this.
I'm seeking input on this. As you know we live together but in separate rooms so we are together all the time. We do quite a bit together and most of it is enjoyable. When the bomb dropped we were leading totally separate lives and she was very adverse to my company. Somehow over time it has evolved to this.
Many people on this blog advise me to step back, create distance and mystery. I can see why but I have also heard that we should do what works. I figure every time we are together and its pleasant can only help our sitch. My game plan is to still detach from my emotions being tied to her moods and actions, focus on what I need to do to be a better person, keep doing the GAL activities I always have done. I'm wondering if our constant contact can in fact impeed her ability to sort through her life crisis, find again her inner voice, reconcile her own life, and deal with our sitch. My gut tells me to play it cool, if something goes on with us and its good just confidently go with it, but don't push things.
Many people on this blog advise me to step back, create distance and mystery.
Originally Posted By: rick's answer
I can see why but I have also heard that we should do what works.
BUT....... is an excuse to not do better....
Soooo.....
Originally Posted By: rick's answer
we should do what works.
Originally Posted By: rick
My game plan is to still detach from my emotions being tied to her moods and actions, focus on what I need to do to be a better person, keep doing the GAL activities I always have done.
Originally Posted By: rick
My gut tells me to play it cool, if something goes on with us and its good just confidently go with it, but don't push things.
Your gut should have also said to have NO expectations....
My $.02 is to enjoy the good times, the positive interactions, for what they are.
When I have something like that, I enjoy it. I acknowlege that it MIGHT have positive significance down the road, but then again it might not. Trying to overanalyzing events like that keep me from enjoying and appreciating them - and, at least for me, tempt me to develop expectations that may or may not be realized. The real trick, at least for me so far, is to keep hope from BECOMING expectation!
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Kolja - both your and Mach 1 advise against expectations. I have to admit that inside I hope that anything good between us will lead to R and I may be developing expectations. There's enough daily reminder for me to not get too confident though. At the same time I'm getting better at detaching.
Rick- it's sublte. To me, hope is optomism (which is good, even when it's guarded optomism - which for us, I think it has to be). Expectation to me is best perhaps thought of as UNguarded optomism, and something used as a crutch. You LEAN on what you're expecting to happen and attach part of your emotional well being to it - which means it's that much harder if what you're expecting doesn't happen.
I HOPE in something I'd LIKE to have happen but if it doesn't come to pass, it doesn't take me with it. An unrealized expectation is much hader to take.
Or, maybe I'm just blabbering
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Speaking of unguarded optimism... the other night my W (who has been living in a separate room since the bomb dropped) was in my bed when I woke up... then began making love...
As you might have guessed I was dreaming the whole thing. Not even safe in my sleep....when I manage to sleep...bummer
