Asking for Help / Advice Please Part 2

[edgarb]

As my other thread has reached close to 100 posts, I needed to make a new one. Here's the link to the old thread, and then a cut and paste of my last post there:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2208296&page=1

I am pretty sure that she is avoiding me for a few reasons. First, I think that she is trying to move on with her new boyfriend and thinks it's over with me. Second, I can't imagine he really likes the fact that she's talking with me at all. The way I see it, when she talks with me, she has to do one of two things:

1. Tell new BF that she spoke to me;
2. Hide the fact she spoke to me from new BF.

I can't imagine either one is a really exciting prospect.

Second, I think that she really does still feel a connection. Trust me, even though I'm prone to do so, I'm not reading things into this. The one time I saw her for any length of time over the last few months she didn't want to leave and she told me I looked good and all of that stuff. I told her I had somewhere to be and ended the visit before she wanted me to. She even initiated a hug.

We've had some good conversations over text message the last few weeks. My DB coach has encouraged these so long as they are positive. I guess the holidays just got me down. As for waiting on her to text me, that's hard b/c I don't know that she will. My only hope in that department is to wait and hope that she wants to see the dogs and she'll have to contact me in order to do that. I'm going to try and talk to my DB coach again soon so maybe she'll have some advice in that department as well.

Thank you all again for your help!!!!!

[CO1978]

As I said before, I am not the best for advice on OM, but here is my best:
You do need to cut off all contact, at least for a while. Let her be with OM right now. There is nothing you can say or do that will stop this from happening anyway. Hopefully she will see things in OM and realize the grass is not always greener. I remember when my W would go out with one of her best friends for coffee. I LOVED it. Her friend's boyfriend and their problems always had my W come home and thank me for being such a great H. No matter what WAS says about not having feelings for LBS they do have feelings, they are just buried. If we keep bothering our WAS the feelings just get buried deeper and deeper. By letting her alone she will start to compare OM to you and the feelings will start to come out again.
Again these are my opinions, not sure if others agree. I do know way back when I was in Marine Corps, my high school sweetheart used to cheat on me when ever I was away. When we broke up, she found other men, but always called me to tell me how I was better than them. Heck she did that for the next 10 years (even after she married and divorced). Recently she de-friended me on FB because she was in new relationship and wanted to let go of all her past.
I guess the moral of the story is some feelings never die. If you have time and patience, you can get through this. Make her SEE the changes in you next time she is around. Even if its not for a week or 2 or longer. The longer may be the better. Imagine her coming into house to see dogs and seeing the whole house looking different. The question is do you have it in you to wait? Only you can answer that, but you have to wait it out. I think pursuit in your case will only hurt you right now. Go GAL, take dogs out, make new friends (follow up on your plans!)

[edgarb]

CO1978,

I guess you are right. It's just killing me that this isn't happening any faster. I broke down and looked at the FB page again today and learned how happy everyone was this Christmas because EX was home and her new boyfriend stayed there as well. I'm just sick of it. Sometimes I just want to give up on it. It's so obvious she doesn't want to talk to me. I don't think I can ever truly let go though. I'll just have to stop talking to her for a while I guess. The thing is, I'm so afraid that that's exactly what she wants me to do and she will never text or call or come back if I do that. Part of me wonders that if I can keep some contact with her, she will see that she wants to come back. I just don't see how she can want it to be over I guess.

Anyway, I will cut off contact for a while and make an appointment to speak with my DB coach. I'm burning through those sessions though. Last time I spoke to her, I rated our relationship as a 3. I'd have to say it's gone down since then. I went about 12 days without talking to my EX, and nothing got any better.

[edgarb]

No contact yesterday. I was able to make an appointment with my db coach for January 3. I wish it could have been sooner but I guess everyone needs time off lol . Hoping to do some hiking this weekend. I'm just ready for this holiday season to be over.

[sunshine76]

I'll just have to stop talking to her for a while I guess. The thing is, I'm so afraid that that's exactly what she wants me to do and she will never text or call or come back if I do that.

Hey Edgarb, I am in a similar sitch except I still live with W (definetely positives and negatives to both).

I completely understand your fear that she will never text or call you if you cut off communication. I have the exact same fears. The fact of the matter is that they know where we live, have our phone number... if they want to contact us they will, but as of right now our W's want nothing to do with us and the sooner that we can start to wrap our minds around this the sooner we will be able to begin detaching. Don't get me wrong I am no where near being detached. I still haven't been able to figure out how to do it. But, I realize that right now I need to do everything in my power to protect myself from getting hurt even more by all of this. If you reach out to her and she doesn't respond it is just going to make you feel even more hurt, sad, angry than you do right now.

I know this all totally suxs, but in my opinion the sooner we realize that we cannot control their choices the easier it is going to be for us to start detaching a little bit.

Hang in there!

[edgarb]

I'll just have to stop talking to her for a while I guess. The thing is, I'm so afraid that that's exactly what she wants me to do and she will never text or call or come back if I do that.

Hey Edgarb, I am in a similar sitch except I still live with W (definetely positives and negatives to both).

I completely understand your fear that she will never text or call you if you cut off communication. I have the exact same fears. The fact of the matter is that they know where we live, have our phone number... if they want to contact us they will, but as of right now our W's want nothing to do with us and the sooner that we can start to wrap our minds around this the sooner we will be able to begin detaching. Don't get me wrong I am no where near being detached. I still haven't been able to figure out how to do it. But, I realize that right now I need to do everything in my power to protect myself from getting hurt even more by all of this. If you reach out to her and she doesn't respond it is just going to make you feel even more hurt, sad, angry than you do right now.

I know this all totally suxs, but in my opinion the sooner we realize that we cannot control their choices the easier it is going to be for us to start detaching a little bit.

Hang in there!

Thanks sunshine76. Detatching has been the single hardest thing for me to do. I know in my mind that I have to let the relationship with the OM run it's course. I can give others that advice. I know that I can't let my emotional state be tied to hers. However, I just can't seem to get it figured out. i guess in my mind we still have a chance and i don't want to let go of that. The corollary of that is that she probably doesn't think we have any sort of chance at all and she wants to move on. I did a lot of things wrong, especially at the beginning of this back in August. Before that, she still wanted to hang out and have fun. After our big fight in October, we've hardly spoken. It just hurts to see her family embrace the OM and everyone thinks he's so great. They've spent the last few weeks together (he lives 6 hours away) so my main hope I guess is that by spending all of this time with him, flaws will start to come out and she'll realize maybe he's not everything she thought. I have this sinking feeling in my heart that it's really over and nothing I can do will make it any better. I just want to hold her again and love her and be the husband I wasn't.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm going to attempt to have no contact until at least January 3, which is when i speak to my divorce coach. Hopefully, we can come up with a solution. It seemed like we were making progress, going from a 0 to a 3 or so. However, since I last spoke to my coach, the progress has vanished and we are back to maybe a 1 or something. Definitely moving in the wrong direction.

I know that a lot of it is that I want her to see me, but it really upsets me that she won't come see our dogs. They were such an important part of her life, yet now she's left them twice. She says she doesn't have time, etc etc, but that's not true. If it was important, she'd make time. I just want this to work more than anything and I'm having a hard time with it going in the wrong direction. It hasn't gotten any easier. Thanks for the words of support. I really, really appreciate it, even though it's not always what I want to hear. It definitely is what I need to hear. Thanks again.

[sunshine76]

Hey Edgarb, I have that very same sinking feeling about my R. LOL my wife is in a R with an old flame that lives out of state. She will never have the opportunity to see anything negative about this person. I have to accept that I can't control her relationship with this person. The only thing I can do is work on fixing the things that are wrong with me and to find happiness without her being a part of my life.

I know that a lot of it is that I want her to see me, but it really upsets me that she won't come see our dogs. They were such an important part of her life


The dogs are a reminder of her old life and I have a feeling that it may be to painful to come back and see them. If I have to move out of my house I will have to leave my dogs and cats with my W (breaks my heart). I don't know if I will have the strength to come visit them very often. I guess I am going to have to find it, but it is so much easier to just run away and try to forget the things that we love rather than being faced with them all of the time. Basically, it's taking the easy way out!

[edgarb]

She has mentioned it is hard for her to see them. The one time she took them to spend the day with them, she kept texting me saying it was hard and made her sad etc. I guess that's why I'd like for her to see them more. So it will make her think about what she's left behind.

[edgarb]

And like you said earlier how is she supposed to see what's not so great about OM if she doesn't see him very much. Half of her time is spent longing to see him again. She has spent the last few weeks with him as far as I can tell so maybe some of that has come out.

[edgarb]

No contact today. Even though I've done this before it is still hard. I figure this keeps me at least a little bit accountable.