Feels like the bottom of 9th with 2 outs

[NYCPeter]

Link to my previous thread is Here

Many thanks to the various contributors to my threads - it seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane at times.

I know everyone says "Time is your friend" - and my W has yet to file (though it's pretty clear she will file in Jan). It feels as though I'm reaching the end of a game I was overmatched and never could win.

My W decided at the beginning it's over and she really hasn't shown anything that has changed her mind. Although OM appears to be over (who knows) - her resolve to move forward appears to have hardened, she's stopped wearing her wedding/engagement rings and told a friend that it was because "the M is over - so why wear them".

I have made many, many mistakes (mainly not keeping my mouth shut) - but I know I am a much better father and husband than when all this started - and you know what, I like myself alot more aswell.

In response to some of the questions from the previous thread

Do you want that role to be angry/bitter dad guy? Probably not.

No - I do not, I want to show them their dad will always love them regardless of my R with their mother, I want them to know that they can come to me for anything and rely on me when needed.

it sounds like you're looking at this as a death sentence, and it's not.

You are right - it's not, but it certainly changes what I want, I realize we can't have everything we want in life but I will try my darnest to get what I want if possible.

If you could take some time to reflect on yourself, what are you most afraid of with all of this?

Where do I start :

Caring for D9 : Caring for a special needs child is daunting for two parents - I worry that if I'm not there my W will be overwhelmed with caring for her on her own.

Spending time with girls : I don't want to see them EOW - I want to read to them every night, I want to hear how school went today, I want to see them grow into fine young women.

Loneliness - my family lives in the UK and California, this is my family, I have many friends but I want to be with my family.

Financial - I want my family to be financially secure, to have things and be able to do things I wasn't able to growing up. We weren't poor - but there was never much $$ around I don't want my family to be scrambling for $$ week to week.

Career - I'm not happy in my carrer and want to retrain into something more satisfying. Because of financial obligations I likely won't be able to do that.

Life partner - If I'm to be totally honest, I'm not sure I would find someone else to be a life partner with.

Quick Journal :
D9's birthday on 24th - despite her disabilities she is such a happy little girl, we are truly blessed. I'll take the girls horseback riding and we'll go to a local restaurant to eat (W is working from 1:00pm)

I needed to work late on Tues and played soccer last night - so I've been skyping with D7, she loves it and it's great to have fun with her - even when we're not in the same room. I needed to turn skype off as she kept trying to call me during meetings.

No real interaction with W since Monday - a couple of texts about girls, nothing else. W's family will be spending Christmas day with us - I get on pretty well with them, but will focus on making sure the girls enjoy the day.

[BklynMom]

My H moved out in July & hasnt worn his rings since. Yet I still believe there is a good shot we get back together. I know its daunting and depressing but try to stay positive, the more you focus on the negative the more likely you are to over react to your W.

[workinghardguy]

That's a good list Peter... now you need to face those fears and figure out what to do about them. And remember that "restoring my M" is not a viable answer.

For some the answer can be that while it's your fear, it's not your problem. For example, the fear of whether your W can care for a special needs child. Certainly a valid fear, but not one you can control or that directly effects you. One solution could be putting resources and plans in place in the event she fails and you have to take over. Another might be identifying resources that would help your W, and then finding a way to introduce them to her.

For other answer you will need to prioritize and pick one over the other. For example, your fear of loneliness and your fear of not seeing the girls are oppositional. If you move closer to family you will see your girls even less. If you stay with your girls you will not be near your family. The classic Catch-22. So which is the greater priority? Assuming it's your girls, then you need to address the loneliness factor. Can you videochat with family? Make new friends in the local area? Make more frequent visits home?

And for other fears you will just need to face them head on and find ways to work them. For example, seeing your girls only EOW. You want more time.. ok, how can you accomplish that? Can you take them for a few hours one or two nights a week? This doesn't have to be overnight. It could just be dinner or helping with homework or taking them to the library. Can you volunteer in their school? Can you volunteer in their extra-curricular activities? Or can you fight for more time than EOW? Ultimately fear can be a great motivator if you channel it and control it.

It's when fear drives us unchecked that we do stupid things. Fear of a martian invasion is what drove people to jump out of windows during War of the Worlds. Fear of a country that used slavery as a tool of production drove Lincoln to wage war on his own people. In both cases fear was a major motivating factor... but in the former fear controlled them and in the latter the fear was controlled.

[NYCPeter]

Ok - Lets put Xmas 2011 down as one of the worst I've experienced.

W was working last night - I hear her car pull in, I look out of the window and there are actually two cars.

A guy gets out of W's car and W gets out of the passenger seat.
W then comes in the house - other guy gets in second car and they drive off.

D9 was awake - so I went to her bedroom to comfort her and try to get her back to sleep - also to avoid confrontation with W.

I get up and W is in bed, but the girls stockings are not done - my W always does the stockings when she gets home from work and actually got mad at me one year for doing them while she was at work.

So I wake my W - she's quite clearly a little worse for wear and is holding her iPhone in her hand. I get mad - why aren't the stockings done, why does she have her iPhone in her hand, who dropped her off....

She denied anyone dropping her off - I told her I saw them, she said I was imagining things.. I mean really - outright lying....

I grabbed all the girls stocking things - made up the stockings and sat and had a beer watching late-night rubish...

Went to bed - W asleep, girls wake up and we go down to open stockings. Nothing said by either of us. Her family arrived soon after and we've been "cordial" to each other - but nothing more..

I really don't know who she has turned into - I really don't know whether I am willing to put up with this anymore, I think I've reached my limit....

[~ kd ~]

oh Peter, that's horrible. Of course, the day is not over so things CAN get better.

What you've described show pretty blatant "abandonment" behaviour by your W. Chalk that up to "knowing" and nothing more. I want to be clear that it's not a judgment, just fact of actions.

Your W's priorities are obviously extremely focused on herself. She's "deep into it" as it were. Needing someone to drive her car back from where ever she was... well... as much as you may not want to see it that way, at least SOMEONE, if not your W, was being responsible.

How you decided to handle this will be your choice. Whatever you choose, do so with the greatest care and compassion for your children, and for yourself... and... for your W...

Be well and have a better day.

[2thepoint]

OK, Peter. First you need to BREATHE... DEEPLY!

Did you forget the part about having no expectations of your W, whatsoever?

In hindsight, do you think you could have managed the stocking situation differently? Something like, hey Hun did you do the stockings? If not, I'll go ahead and take care of them. Then let her decide how she wants to react. If she objects, then the burden is entirely on her!

Also, why confront her on her partying and the ride home on Christmas Eve? You should make a mental note and wait a day or two so as not to spoil the day for everyone. Think about it. Now that you have confronted, you're PO'd, your W is PO'd and that mood will stay with you the rest of the day. Was it worth it? Could you have held in together until tomorrow?

You say that you really don't know what your W has turned into. I'll tell you what she has turned into and that is an alien! The sooner you realize that and a ct accordingly, the better off you will be.

So, I'll say it again. BREATHE... DEEPLY!!

[NYCPeter]

Did you forget the part about having no expectations of your W, whatsoever?

I expect her to behave in the best interests of the girls - particularly on Xmas eve. Was I angry because of me or the girls - both...

Also, why confront her on her partying and the ride home on Christmas Eve?

How long do you stay a doormat? I will look after the girls until I am no longer able to - but the fact she uses me as a babysitter so she can go out and get so drunk she can't drive home is unacceptable.

I am tired of being the bad guy - she has spent all day doting on the girls and being the perfect mother - that's great, she is a great mother when she's here. That's the side her family see.

Her family being here made for a fairly tense day, they know the sitch and had very little interaction with me and I felt like an outsider looking in. I focused on enjoying the day with the girls and playing with their new toys.

W said she's tired and going for a nap - hmm wonder why you are so tired...

[2thepoint]

Peter - I'm sorry that the day started out crappy for you. I get that you are angry and frankly, I'd be angry too if the same thing happened to me. All I'm saying is that your W is acting foolishly and irresponsibly, and YOUR reaction is probably not helping things.

Think about how the day would have played out if you hadn't helped your W along regarding the stockings. You said she was putting on a show for her folks, but what if she wasn't all put together when they arrived or if your D had given her the cold shoulder for messing up Christmas morning.

When you react as you do, (justifiable as it may be) I think you may be pushing your W further out the door and I don't think that is your goal. Is it?

So anyway, try to hang in there. I know it is tough!

[workinghardguy]

Peter - she's only using you as a babysitter because you let her. Have a plan, have somewhere to go... and then tell her you have plans so she needs to come home or get a babysitter.

Ultimately if she doesn't and still goes out, then yes, of course you'll have to step up. But there's a difference between her violating an agreed upon night and her going out when you're at home anyway.

And to be frank... who cares who brings her home? Be happy she didn't drive drunk. And yes, she lied about it... but really so what? The only reason is bothers you is because you care. You care who is hanging with, who she has relationships with, and what she is doing that might further those. That's not detaching... that's controlling.

She'll continue to use it to hurt you as long as you let it hurt you.

[BklynMom]

Your W is an immature a$$.

That being said I think you should quit drinking. We can not control our WAS behavior but we can control our own. Maybe she will learn something from you if you no longer drink. Also I have seen in myself that not drinking has allowed me to better control my behavior and over-reactions.

Your W is an alien monster. Hang in the best you can. Ask yourself would your D tell you to walk away or give W more time.