Welcome to my new post and my new year resolution!
My goal is to be confident again. I want to stop my passive/agressive ways. I made ALOT of progress in the year that past but want to keep progressing to a better me in regards of facing my fears dead on!
I hope you will give me your views and opinion so that i keep growing in a healthy, honorable way.
My goal is to be confident again. I want to stop my passive/agressive ways. I made ALOT of progress in the year that past but want to keep progressing to a better me in regards of facing my fears dead on!
These are great goals! Following a solution oriented methodology would have us ask questions such as ...
When you are confident what will that look like? Sound like?
When you have stopped being passive/aggressive, what will you be doing? How will you be behaving?
I see HUGE value in approaching personal growth this way. I do, however, think that making changes is only part of the battle. That's called "fakin' it till ya make it" and it works. It helps new, healthier behaviours become habit. In order to change YOU though, not just your behaviours, you have to dig out what attitudes, beliefs, programming is in place that drove those destructive or unhealthy behaviours in the first place. You need to figure out WHY. Ok, well you don't NEED to I guess, if you can maintain the changes without it I say go for it, it's just that I haven't yet met anyone who could. When things get tough, when life is hard and painful, we tend to revert to what our core tells us. THAT's why we need to reprogram.
So, along with answering the questions above ... I think we need to dig into the why's ... if you're game ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
First I am sorry you took my post to you the wrong way. That really was not my intent. I was not ganging up on you - nope...that really is not me. I wanted you to see something in your post.
So if I have offended you in any way I apologize.
I wish you nothing but joy in this upcoming year.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
i know where my conduct comes from. I've known for quite some times. When i was a little girl and went to my mom for support or guidance, after an argument or a fight with a friend, she would always say: " Just ignore them, it will go away and things will be better tomorrow." I lived my whole life with this belief. I even agreed with it until XH's abusive ways became to much. I allowed his behavior. I voiced my concerns but was totally ignored and later, blamed.
I have, since, froze my heart to people who seem to demand things from me or seem to take control of event in my life.I will give freely with love but do not demand or you'll be turned down. I refuse to be under someone else's control. My dear friend that opened her heart to me in the most difficult time (BD), Started advising me about my divorce procedure, advise me on the finances and support. I greatly appreciated her help and guidance but it became DETAILS. Her and her husband wanted NUMBERS. They started making appointment for me to meet with a broker( 2 meetings). They had the " WHERE AND HOW MUCH " i was gonna invest. All of this with my future in mind. I had to draw the line. I had to redifine the line to redeem my personnal life. I felt like they were taking control of my life. I felt like their child. I am EXTREMELY greatful to them but it went to far. We are back at saying hello, how are things! That's it.
I always told myself, it is not up to me to make people behave a certain way. I have no control over someone else. I am accountable for my conduct.
My D11 noticed that i get alot of friendly attention. I got 2 surprise b-day party (kids friendly) i got flowers unexpectadly for my kindness, i got unexpected help with my firewood(from both,friends and family), everybody waves at us, my nickname at Tim's is "sunshine",every table i seat at, WE LAUGH,garanty. I use my humor to brighten others. An older gentlemen told me that i have a rare quality about me. He said that he has never heard a bad thing about me from anyone and that i get along with EVERYBODY,young and old. I was someone very special and i should be proud to be me. I am. I just need to stay strong. Another as told me that alot of people should take exemple from me for putting my kids as a priority over trying to replace XH. I was honnored by his comment. We are bless with love and kindness, everyday. I have to keep my eyes open wide and thank god for his generousity.
As for XH, he has a hold on me. I don't like who i am around him. I abuse him as much as he does. I have been pushed to far. I have to keep off the rollercoaster for my own welfare (and his).
As for XH, he has a hold on me. I don't like who i am around him. I abuse him as much as he does. I have been pushed to far. I have to keep off the rollercoaster for my own welfare (and his).
I copied this part because I wanted to tell you that I feel like I only revert to my "old ways" of passive-aggressive or downright mean/vindictive when I interact with XH and it isn't going "well" as I define "well." (I haven't interacted with him in a long time now...)
I don't have this problem with anyone else. I think sometimes we have a very hard time erasing the dynamic we had with the ex. If you recognize that in your interactions with others you are not on this rollercoaster, then you have "less" work to do there, you know?
I like your resolution and your push to make yourself a better person. This is really the path we all have to take, to learn that despite whatever we've done, we can always improve!
I don't really have any more "advice" to give you but wanted you to know that I read your post. I'm sure we'll talk in the new year :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I was reading my journal for posting in the mixed signal's thread and came across something i said to XH, back in NOV 2009:
" You know exactly what your life is gonna be like. You know what you have to lose. Look around you! It's your choice, your decision, your feelings, you are intitle to it! "
Under, i had written a note to myself that said: " That goes both ways ( my name). Read this over and over and change the word "lose" to the word "gain".
By reading my journal today, i see more clearly how mixed up he is. He had, within 6 months, at least 6 or 7 touch and go. 4 times has the words coming back home where heard but NO ACTIONS! I can clearly see his infidelity. It makes me sick!
I so can relate to your posts regarding how you feel around your ex. The way he makes you feel, the interactions you have, etc....
Change the dynamic. Don't let him take that power from you. Figure out ways when you talk with him that you don't participate in the roller coaster. As time goes on, you will slowly take back your power and he will witness the changes.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I had wrote a letter to XH but for myself back in dec 2010.(a year and a half after bomb)
" You(xh) are in for a hell of a ride and i don't want to ride it with you anymore. You are way to f*cked-up in your mind and fog. I've done everything i could to help but no more. I'm setting myself free of your bullshit crisis. So long... Have a nice life! I know, I WILL! I am leaving you for someone else, i am leaving you FOR ME!
He has put blame on me, on them and 3 times,on D16(13 at the time). That is why she always stay behind. She has alot of resentment towards him. She had wrote him a 6 pages letter that she threw inside his truck because when she handed it to him, he yelled at her: " Don't start with me, i have enough bull [censored] to deal with! I don't need yours!" She cried and threw the letter in his truck.
( Now, his hurt so she pays! ) He comes in and goes to her room. about 15 minutes later, he comes out with an angry but spiteful look and leaves. D13 is crying her eyes out. Here is what he told her: " You know, it takes 2 people to make things work. Me and your mom should have settled this a long time ago but we didn't. That's why things just kept adding up and i got tired of it. You wanna know something? Me and your mom almost split up before and we were super close of doing it but i found out she was pregnant with you. I felt like i had to stay. Not for her but for you. You brought us closer but over the years, i realized i made a mistake. You were the only thing keeping me home and that is why i'm always miserable and grumpy. Then, we had your brother and your 2 sisters and i kept asking myself... how long should i live like this? And i got sick of it. That's why i feel like this."
Now, in my 13 yo daughter, this is what she heard: It's because of me! That's the message in this. It's my fault. If it wasn't for me been born, my dad wouldn't of been unhappy all these years.
She cried the whole time and he didn't held her, didn't show love, in her words, he didn't give a sh*t!
She also kept a journal to express her feelings. This happened at bomb drop. He has never apologized to her, instead, repeated the story 2 more times to her after having his feeling hurt by her. Now, he wonders what is wrong with her. Why she doesn't care to spend time with him. I WONDER?
