West, I wish you well. I read that you don't want to continue as you have been. You don't want to keep hurting your W. Who knows why she wants to keep you in her backpocket and does it really matter? When I look back on all the stupid things I've done in my sitch, they all made perfectly good sense-TO ME at the time. Now some of it looks pretty crazy.
I hope you will talk with your IC about obsessive thoughts and get some treatment if necessary.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Val: Thanks so much for your wise advice, especially written in the midst of such arduous work days. I think that you're absolutely right that I need to keep a focus on how the things that I did contributed to the mess that we're in now. For a long time, I have firmly believed that it was my W -- not me -- who chose to take those steps down the road that she's on now.
However, I must always remember that I helped pave the path on that road, making it easier for her to travel down it. This is important to remember in order to remain compassionate and supportive towards her, even if I'm not in her life anymore. I know that she will eventually find her happiness, whether with me or with someone else. And I really do hope that she does. I still love her enough to hope for the best for her.
labug: I think we've all been guilty of stupid moments during our sitches. I know I've had a lot myself. But, as you insinuated, it doesn't really matter. In the end, all turns to dust. These moments may not matter years from now, so why go crazy over them?
Thanks, everybody. These last couple of days have been brutal, but I think it's necessary to face these demons head-on. My IC and I will have a lot of deep material to go over.
WCF, I'm sorry it's been a rough couple of days for you. However, I think you're using it wisely and taking an introspective look at yourself. I think you're also getting some good advice here and I think you're heeding it well.
Thanks, JB. It sounds like you're doing all right yourself.
Just wanted to add that I joined a 24-Hour Fitness gym a couple of days ago. I walked in just to see if they had any good deals. When I heard what they were offering, I jumped at the chance. All I had to do was pay first and last month's dues, plus a sign-up fee, which all amounted to about $65. Not bad at all.
Plus, my work provides a $20 monthly fitness reimbursement if you submit paperwork proving that you're signed up at a gym. Given that my monthly fee is $19.99 plus taxes, I'll only end up paying $1 and some change out of pocket each month.
Today, after a blistering strength workout, I went over to a friend's house. I've known her since high school; she grew up in my home town. A while back, we found out that there's only a half-hour long drive between us; we decided to meet up again this weekend. We get along great and share many interests. I stuck around for spaghetti & french bread and watched You-Tube videos of Norm MacDonald doing interviews on late-night TV. Sure beat being by myself on a Saturday night.
I have been very much enjoying my new gym. I try to go there once a day -- I get to stay warm while working out. Plus, there is a large variety of weights so I can get looking my best.
My area has been slammed by a ferocious snow storm. Many tree branches fell down and knocked out power lines, so my apartment was without power for about two days. I did okay the first day, but last night, I was forced to take one of the coldest showers ever after working out hard at the gym. :P
I also used my fireplace for the first time, so at least I had some heat and light going for me. Blessedly, the power came back on at 2 AM this morning. I've never been so happy to see a light go on. I feel sorry for those poor homeless souls who are outside without a home in this beastly weather.
My work has been very accommodating about the weather. For two days, we were allowed to close three hours early, and we were provided free lunch on both days for showing up. I work hard!
WE had a giant power outage here in San Diego recently, and even though the weather was fine, it was shocking how many problems it caused - none of the gas stations worked, so people had trouble getting home from work, etc.
I swore I was gonna get one of those LED camping lanterns, and somebody told be about a car battery charger thingie that could also charge your cell phone and laptop.
Of course, have I done any of those things??? No! LOL
I do have a gas stove and a fireplace though, definitely helpful.
Wow, sounds like that really gummed up the works for everybody! Personally, for light, I used a little halogen flashlight that I got from my father-in-law as a stocking stuffer some years back. It's small, but the light is powerful and lasts a while. I might suggest one of those, too. Might be good to throw in the glove compartment.
I do have a car charger for my cell phone, but the problem was that I was never in my car long enough to charge it very much. I ended up having to take my phone to work and charge it there.
I stocked up on a lot of groceries yesterday -- I spent a lot more than I had intended, but I needed those things. I have been inspired to make some big changes to my diet -- more lean meats, veggies, fruits, legumes, beans, brown rice, non-fat dairy, and including egg whites. I'm also going to cut way back on my sodium intake. It's scary how much salt they pump into stuff.
I've also been working on my writing. I finished a short story I was working on when my power was out. Now I have three short stories to revise, as well as a novel that has been awaiting revision for months.
Today, I met with my C again. This session went really well (as they always seem to do), and we explored a lot of stuff. Here are some highlights:
--I asked her straight off: Did my "behavior" in the past sound like OCD to her? Yes, she said, I definitely did have it. "You could go right down the list and check them off," she said. It made me feel more at ease -- better the devil you know than the devil you don't.
--I said that I was having concerns that my OCD made me a bad person in that I hurt my W so much in dealing with it. She said no, I wasn't a bad person at all. I had done the best I could in that situation. She was honestly surprised that I didn't get professional help when these symptoms became a real problem.
--She said we both were responsible for the R's implosion, not just me. We were both young, and we had tried the best that we could, but we made a lot of errors because of our lack of experience and our own separate demons. Again, she was surprised that we hadn't looked into professional help like couples' counseling.
--I talked about the last convo I had with my W. She thought that my W's behavior was not only inappropriate and weird, she also seems to be "objectifying" me -- I'm something to have and control to her rather than a person of worth. I agreed with this assessment.
--We wrapped things up by discussing my doubt that I could ever resume an R with my W. I told her how I often felt cut off from the world around us during our R and how much power I constantly deferred to her in order to define myself. C said that it sounded like we had a "parental R" -- my W was the parent and I was the child who looked to her for everything. She thought that this long-standing dynamic would be the biggest deterrent to repairing the R; we're both going to become very different people than who we were.
--She said that I should spend this time dating casually (either alone or with a group), defining myself, and just generally being a twenty-something. I told her that many had suggested MeetUp.com, had she ever heard of it? Of course she has, she answered, she recommends it to all of her patients! (So I'm definitely going to do that in a big way.)
A lot to think about, but I came away very happy and felt better about myself and my life in general. I'm not just going to be okay -- I'll be better than I ever was before.
