Our story

[kolja]

Another quick update (with apologies in advance to the moderators who have the screen what must seem to be my stream of consciousness posting)...

When I pedaled up our road this afternoon coming home from work, I was surprised to see her car. I came in, said hi in an upbeat friendly way - and was at least acknowledged. I jumped in the shower (it's a mild winter here, and a hilly bike ride home, so I was sweating my tail off) half expecting her to hit the road before I got out, but she was still there. She wasn't talkative at all, much like in the past months, but now I know enough not to force a conversation. I merely minded my own business, thanked her when she handed me the TV remote (she already had been watching ESPN, so I didn't really need it :D). She said 'see ya' when she left, I warmly wished her a goodnight.

I'm resisting the temptation to ACTUALLY try and mind read, but I DO find it mildly curious that there was no more talk about the divorce or a settlement, and she again didn't seem to take anything more with her.

I feel pretty decent about the way I handled myself, and am looking forward to the rest of the evening. Have a bowl game on now, will catch up with the DVR after that. About to make myself dinner (and tomorrow's lunch).

[kolja]

...and to top it off, this morning after I had dressed in the bedroom and headed out to grab my lunch and hop on the bicycle to go to work, my wife was under a blanket on the couch. I have no idea when she had come back - not even 100% she was sleeping instead of pretending, but it was an interesting surprise.

[kolja]

This morning, as I headed out to work, I was quite surprised to find my wife a sleep, or pretending to sleep, on the couch. I went to bed around 11, and had no idea when she came back to the house. Curious, to say the least.

I had an appointment with my counselor today, which was fuitful. It was helpful to once again talk through everything, and much like taking to Chuck it was nice to get an external and reasonably unbiased assessment of where I was emotionally. As I talked through all that I've already read and learned in the past couple weeks, she stood up, opened a shelf, and pulled out "Divorce Remedy" - before loaning it to me, she asked it she would get it back (half in jest, but of course I said yes), but Michele had signed it for her. As we continued talking, at one point she said "You really don't want this divorce, do you?" and when I said no, she also loaned me "The Love Dare." All in all it was a good visit.

[kolja]

The rest of yesterday was quiet. No more contact from the wife, she wasn't home when I got home. Hopefully the space is giving her the chance she needs to get past what is bothering her though of course she could be busy doing maid of honor things for her sister's wedding and getting ready for Christmas.

In one way it was just as well as it turns out we ran out of propane at home (we have external tanks). We were supposed to have been refilled six weeks ago but for whatever reason were not. She likes things a lot warmer than I usually do, so i'm sure she would have been unhappy in the cold house and with no hot water. An after hours call later and a reasonably prompt arrival of the gas truck and all was well again.

Aside from that it was a quiet, relaxing evening for me.

[brenalim]

Sounds like you're doing everything right! Good self talk going on here. Concentrate on what your wife DOES!! She hasn't moved out yet... she hasn't gotten the paperwork together yet... Keep showing her the changes in you!

You are doing great! Have a wonderful holiday!

[kolja]

Thanks, brenalim!

Yesterday was another quiet one. Last day of work before four days off for the holiday. No contact from the wife which, before I read Michele's book and found this board, would have really bummed me out. Now it just seems like a necessary part of the process (it also means no additional talk about the actual divorce, which in and of itself is nice). The quiet in the house at the moment is relaxing.

One chapter into DR before I went to bed, looking forward to some more today along with packing for my short trip over the mountains to visit my family.

[purgatory]

I've read up on your posts from the beginning... I feel for ya. You HAVE come to the right place to vent and find encouragement.

Once you read DR, read it again... and again It helps you understand why the WAS does what they do and how you can survive the fallout.

I suffered from post-partum depression for 2 years before I was able to receive meds to help (I know your wife doesn't have post-partum... but the outcomes are similar). Mine didn't manifest as crying and ignoring... instead it was rages and controlling. My H stayed with me through it all- even when I threatened D. I felt like there was someone else controlling my moods and actions and I had no choice but to go along with it... completely out of control in my own head. It might not be exactly the same, but I can relate to what your W is going through, and you can pick my brain if you have any questions. (you can check out my long story in 'too little too late' in newcomers)

Enjoy your family trip and happy holidays!!

[kolja]

Thanks, Purgatory! I'm a couple chapters into my copy of DR now, I'll probably get another chapter done before calling it a night. I've already had a few a-ha moments and I think I may have to get my own copy since I'm sure my counselor is EVENTUALLY going to want her signed copy back!!

There hasnt been crying with my wife's possible depression, just a lot of withdrawal and, it seems, the not entirely inaccurate presumption on her part that I'm at least partly responsible for it (given the things she's been through my getting a ride home from the staties was profoundly unhelpful). At this point it doesn't seem like there's much I can do to help her other than to stop pushing her away. Maybe a friend or family member can do what I can't or maybe she'll have to come around on her own. Thats out of my hands at the moment, and it's not as if there weren't other issues in our marriage that I contributed to and can work on in the meantime.

It's definitely a good thing that I found this site, the books and coaching. Pretty much three full days of no contact now - not long ago I wouldn't have let a single day go by without saying SOMETHING!

[kolja]

Well, just got home from my quick trip to see family. Doesn't look like the wife has been in here at all - cats were out of food and nearly out of water, and she's the cat person in the marriage (she had one when we met that she's very close towns she picked out another one at a shelter 14 months ago). It's not a big deal, I don't mind pitching in taking care of the little guys, it's just rather interesting considering how important they were to her.

The trip back to my folks was nice. I only got close to having a rough time of things as I laid down in bed Christmas Eve night.

By Christmas day, we hadnt communicated for 4 days. I figured I could at least send a quick text to wish her and her family a nice Christmas. So that's what I did - she thanked me and said she hoped I was enjoying my visit (the entire exchange had a fairly friendly vibe). My parents had sent over a card for us and included a gift card for each of us - I told her it was on the coffee table for her. She pointed out that there were presents for me at home too - I had noticed this since they were under the tree but didn't (and still don't) know if they were from her or her family. Now, I had gotten an uncharacteristically early start on shopping this year so already had a few gifts for her by the time she announched her decision - after talking to Chuck, I figured it would be alright to give them to her, so at this point I told her the other ones under the tree were for her, and she seemed rather happy when she thanked me. Then i let it go. Of course her not havIng been home she hasnt opened anything yet but that's ok.

Also, as of tomorrow it will have been a week since she even MENTIONED anything related to the divorce, and it's been 10 days since we've actually discussed it.

[2thepoint]

"Also, as of tomorrow it will have been a week since she even MENTIONED anything related to the divorce, and it's been 10 days since we've actually discussed it."

Don't bring it up! Act as if it is a big elephant in the corner that you are trying to ignore. It is there but you are giving it zero attention.

Just keep focusing on your stuff, your 180's, your GAL, etc. and stay away from discussion about the D. Buy yourself as much time as you can.