WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

So time to start a new thread... the last one hit 100. The last development was that our internet nanny utility logged some of my W's internet activity due to terms she was using. It notified me and like an idiot I had to go look.

I found that she was searching for quotes about "secret lovers", "secret crushes", and "trying not to fall in love". Then searching for sayings about "accepting change", "accepting others for who they are", "accepting friends no matter what", "making others happy", and "sacrificing for friends".

This obviously sent me for a loop. Not surprising, but painful to see. Really wrecked my afternoon, and while yes, I cried over it and had to leave class a few times, I seem to have pulled myself together. In reality what is different? She didn't want our M before and she still doesn't. She's human and a woman... she will be attracted to men and men will hit on her. She's already left the M, as I've said to countless other board posters in their sitches, apparently I have to say it to myself too. We are M in the legal sense only.

I also have to look and see that those quotes speak to being conflicted and torn. Which I suppose is better than searches for "quotes on how to have an affair and keep your husband in the dark" I guess part of me just feels if there is a place for to land then she is less likely to look back.

At the same time... this is my W we are talking about. She's on her second marriage.. there is absolutely no reason to believe that just because she falls for some guy, that it means it's over. It's not over until I say it is... and I'm not ready to give up yet.

In fact, if I'm honest, my DBing has suffered of late. I've gotten comfortable with the day-to-day existence of happy household and getting along with her. Not that I plan to come home and turn the house upside down, but I need to get back to detaching and pulling away.

I realized it even this morning. I had not talked to her since briefly on Sunday night. I got a call this morning from the appliance repair company trying to schedule the repair time. I texted W about it and we texted back and forth. Finally I called her because the texting was driving me mad and bad etiquette when in class. I reached her while she was at the clinic. Apparently she has another urinary tract infection and feels crappy. Immediately that made me feel bad.. because she's sick, because I'm 800 miles away, because she's unhappy. So we agree to cancel the service call and reschedule, which was fine. But then I volunteer to call the company and take care of it. Again, I insisted on saving her from life. Don't worry... T will take care of it!

So maybe this is a blessing in disguise. It has made me realize that my backsliding towards appeasement is getting me nothing. So why bother?

She just texted me to complain that when she picked up S from school he smelled bad (S doesn't like to wipe his butt when he's at school). She told S he couldn't sit shotgun so he got mad and kicked her. I'm ignoring the text and not even responding. I don't exist. I'm not your H since you're not my W. Go find someone else to vent to about the kids or fix the problem yourself. You don't want me in your life... then I won't be. When I call tonight to talk to the kids before bedtime I will address my S about the behavior. But otherwise... she's on her own.

[workinghardguy]

Ok... so this will sound very lame and I apologize... but this whole dim/dark thing and text messaging I have not been good at. I usually respond to a message from my W right away and my brain only kicks in after I've hit send.

So I have this text from my W complaining about S's behavior. I haven't responded. My gut says to not respond at all (though I can't tell you much angst that creates inside of me!), but part of me wonders if I shouldn't respond eventually... like say in an hour or two. I'm not good at this part yet... any suggestions?

[NLW]

WHG,
This sort of thing is something I struggle with too.

I find that detaching - meaning not initiating conversation, being fairly minimalist in my interactions, not offering assistance etc, pretty much results in a deterioration in my relationship with my H.

He responds in kind, and before you know it, things have escalated to the point where it feels like we are almost antagonistic.

And if he's scared and afraid of what I'm going to do/say - as he's reported to me repeatedly - how does withdrawing from him in this way help matters?

I know that detaching does not mean stop loving, but I'm still not sure how to get it right...

When I've been trying to keep the path home paved and smooth - and being happy accommodating, interested, cheerleading, etc, things seem much better. BUT, is this just enabling his cake eating?

I can't seem to work out the right approach in this regard.

NLW

[edgarb]

Detaching is the single hardest thing to do for me. It's damn near impossible. I mean, we all want a great relationship with our spouses and the things we are going through are emotional torture. How can your feelings not be tied to what he or she does or doesn't do? It's hard, but it's a lesson we all need to learn and I think Michelle would tell us to detach and move on no matter what.

That being said, as for the text about your S, it's hard to say. Maybe just a text acknowledging that you knwo that's a tough thing for her to deal with but not actually offering her any solutions to the problem? I'm certainly no expert here but that's what I think the book might say. Best of luck to you in a difficult situation.

[workinghardguy]

Well.. I decided to wait about two hours. I simply said that I know it's frustrating and not sure how we can get it across to him, but we'll figure it out.

I really went back and forth in my own head. I finally came to the decision of "what would I do if we were divorced?" I'd probably reply, but at my own schedule. It's about my son after all and about an issue we have been discussing is a problem.

At the same time I can also see how this could be her reaching for security... making sure that while she goes off on her "grand adventure" that someone is still there to help pick up the pieces if things get to crazy. Not that it's love motivating that... just the need to have someone reliable as an anchor.

So I still don't know if what I did was the right action... or if there is a right action... or just versions of right or versions of wrong. And no one action will do or undo this...

Awesome... and Pandora Radio decides to play the Bruno Mars song that S and I sang to W on her birthday this past year. That's what I needed today.

[labug]

Recognize these words:

remember it's a marathon not a sprint. Give W her space and let her figure it out, but don't rescue her. She picked a path, she needs to walk it. Trust me... I suck at this part and it keeps paying negative dividends since I don't do as I should.

I think your response in this instance with W was spot on.

Have you thought about counseling for S? He knows there's been a sea change in his life. Kids live on a different level than adults do. My sons are much older and when we told them about the separation, the next thing out of my mouth was, "Do you want to talk to someone about this?

My FOO didn't talk about anything "difficult." I want my kids to know that if you break an arm, you go to the ER. If you are experiencing broken emotions you seek the appropriate help.

[workinghardguy]

Have you thought about counseling for S?

I have... though it's a little strange since we haven't told the kids yet. I'm sure they can all tell a change in the demeanor, they're not dumb, but we haven't gone there yet.

This particular issue actually predates the bomb by quite a bit. I believe it's more of a mechanics issue than it is a emotional/behavioral issue. Or at least part of it is. How S interacts with my W is a whole separate issue and I believe is born of years of her lack of interaction with him. She often complains that he doesn't listen to her or behavior for her the way he does for me, and I know she resents me for it. But fundamentally she hasn't put in the time with him. There are reasons for that, some good some not, but it doesn't change the reality.

We ended up texting a little bit tonight about him.

[workinghardguy]

Not much to journal tonight as the drama of the day is largely contained in the above posts. Not exactly sure how I feel tonight. Sad and hurt, but also freer and more resolved.

Took a walk after dinner tonight... ended up strolling through the National Law Enforcement Officers' Memorial. All the names on the wall, and so many of them moms and dads, wives and husbands who never came home from their last shift. Called the kids while I was standing there. Just a reminder that I may want to wallow in my own self-pity, but there are others who have much greater sadness to contend with.

SS made the honor roll today, his first time. Considering he doesn't like school all that much I was pretty proud of him. I made sure to tell him how proud I was and what a good job he did. That's a big 180 for me... I've always had a hard time showing him affection the way I show it to SD and S. I'm also not so sure it's a coincidence that his academic performance and the relationship between he and I changed at the same time. When my W dropped the bomb the very first 180 I did was change my R with SS and SD. I was able to see how awful I was being towards them and really changed that. While I may have backslid in other areas, that is one I have been consistent in. And I've found (I know.. this will shock people) that I can push SS to perform more through love, support, and positive reinforcement than I ever could through other methods. And that he is far more open to approaching me and seeking help and advice from me than he ever has been.

I don't mean to take all the credit for his academic turnaround as he has done the hard work himself, but I have to believe that it certainly hasn't hurt. But it's a double-edged sword. As soon as I found out my first thought was how will the divorce affect him and his new found success... I guess we'll see.

Didn't talk to W any more today, just the brief morning call. A few texts and one email tonight. In the email she complained about being sick and losing more weight. We discussed Christmas gifts a bit via email and that was that. I did find it funny that today in the phone call and tonight in the email she complained about being sick and almost seemed to lay a guilt trip that she had to go to work and deal with the kids since I was gone and we need the funds. She has sick time... and well, spouses travel for work, it happens. And most of all... how do you think this will work after the D?

A little twinge tonight when talking to S on the phone and he asked if I wanted to talk to mommy. I told him no that I would call her later, knowing full well I wouldn't.

I suspect I may not talk or hear from her until I see her on Saturday when I get home. She works late the next three nights so my calls home will be to the kids when she's not there. Guess that's about as dark I as I can get.

[jbnati]

WHG - any time I communicate with my W about S, I'm usually pretty responsive. If she needs me to do her a favor, not so much - I respond when it's convenient. If she wants to chit-chat, which isn't very often - it's usually when there's something else to talk about - I'm not in a hurry to respond. I think you had a good perspective when you thought about what you'd do after D.

but regarding your son, communication is key.

I agree with this. This is for your S, not for your W.

Yes, your W may be in for an awakening if you D. You won't be there anymore at her fingertips.

[sayitaintso]

WHG- I agree w/ the others about the text. It is about your S and not your W and the lines of communication need to remain open and positive as possible. With that being said I like how you waited a few hours as it wasn't an emergency and validated what she said and ended it there.