I have started this thread because the holidays are coming up, and there are many here who are weeks, months or a year or two post bomb, and the holidays are especially hard.
Our MLC spouses are on what I call the crazy train - they stepped off their old life, and embarked on a new and wild ride. We are left to continue with our lives and deal with the fall-out - families, financial, and emotional [in no particular order]. And it isn't anything we signed up for, or got asked about.
There is great advice out there, but it doesn't really take away the pain of abandonment and rejection, and the loneliness we feel as we try and deal with this. And sadly there are no quick fixes.
The most useful way I have come to think about it is to think of them as well and truly on a crazy train. We are encouraged to look within ourselves, and fix the things that need fixing. In doing this, do not for a moment think it was your fault. They did not have to get on the crazy train, and a few realise their error and try and come back and fix it. Some succeed, but it is a hard train to get off. This is not to give them a walk on their horrible behaviour, simply to recognise it is probably easier to remain on the ride than get off and work out where they are, and face up to what they did.
One of the things that most of us do is to remain fixated on the MLCer, glued there by our incomprehension about what is happening, and our enduring love for the person they used to be. But sadly this means that we are effectively alongside the crazy train, and it is truly better if we can detach, and watch the wild ride. Understanding the drivers of MLC can helpful, but we can never understand precisely what they are doing and why.
Why does someone abandon their spouse and children, wreck their financial security, and spend time with someone they will sometimes admit they do not even like very much - and other times they are the love of their life? It is incomprehensible to anyone who values the things in life that most people value. And honestly, wondering WHY does not help. Trust me on that!
At some point it starts to get better: - some of us recognise that we had a pattern of co-dependence that has finally broken. Others see that while the relationship was good, their spouse was gradually falling through the cracks of life. It has been said, and truly, that it is our journey, and we should use the time they are in lala-land wisely. They may never come out.
Which brings me to the final point - our longing for another relactionship, to fill the gaps in our life, and help us to feel better about ourselves. Be careful here. Remember, it takes time to heal, and the challenge is to learn to be alone and like it. We are responsible for our own happiness although the actions of another can cause us to be unhappy, it isn't a reason for saying there.
I wish none of us had to walk this path. I cannot say, as some do, that I would not have missed it, but I have learned a lot about myself, made a large number of new friends, and am enjoying my new life, and looking forward to the future. I have one of those spouses who is firmly stuck on the crazy train, and I have accepted it, and let go.
Bea, Your posting is spot on. I couldn't agree w/you more.
You are not alone...there must be an island for those stuck in mlc...my xh is still there as well.
Have a great day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello. I don't post much anymore. I admire all those that share and you have all helped me so much...helped me to see this is beyond my control and to step away and detach. DivorceCare (mentioned here by a few) has been such a blessing to me too.
Yesterday I was looking through some things and a card kept coming into view. It had a scripture on it that I have decided needs to be my new motto:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
I will probably never understand his choices...I know why it's happening but the things he's said...like "No one will ever love me just for me the way you did" and "We were a team. I'll never have that with anyone else again" and "Your're the most wonderful person I'll probably ever know" and he's marrying the OW in a month. He's running so fast and I feel like he's doing it to prove what he did to me was necessary for him to find happiness...to remove an unhappiness he never said he had until he dropped the bomb. There I go trying to understand again.
I trust that God has a plan for me...and I don't need to understand anyone else's choices but my own. I need to let go and let God.
Very well said, Beatrice, very timely, and it sums up a lot.
For me, one of my greatest fears is that my XH is actually himself BETTER OFF without me...that he'll go on to live a fruitful happy life with OW, that he will marry her, get coerced into kids with her when he firmly was against ever having them along with me, that a whole lot of great things will happen as a result of him NOT being with me. And what's weird is that in many ways that has already happened with me...that there are ways I've been freer to deal with things on my own and become a happier, more integrated personw without him in my life. So all that comes down to, my fear, is my own ego being crushed.
If I could take my ego, put it in a box, and ship it to deep space, I think I would. It's the one thing that stands in my way :-)
Thanks for posting this; I have a feeling I'll be reading it often.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia, I see you are heading way beyond greatness in your thinking
B.
Quote:
Which brings me to the final point - our longing for another relactionship, to fill the gaps in our life, and help us to feel better about ourselves.
While there are some aspects of that in our desire to have a relationship, if you ask me I would say that I don't want a relationship until I have something to give. I've tried it other ways. Don't like it. Until I have more than enough in my own life and want to share it with somebody else, I don't want a relationship. It wouldn't work too well would it?
I get what you're saying though. We did not ask for his. They do seem to be happy/unhappy with the other people in their lives for a while. I for one hope it works out for my ex. I always have and likely will, wish her the best. I wanted her to be happy and fulfilled in her life. I still do.
I also wish she would leave me alone, but that's just an annoyance at this point.
Merry Christmas. Or, if you are a Diamondhead, apparently the term is Cherry Cherry Christmas (not even sure what he meant, but whatever - I read too much...)
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Which brings me to the final point - our longing for another relactionship, to fill the gaps in our life, and help us to feel better about ourselves.
While there are some aspects of that in our desire to have a relationship, if you ask me I would say that I don't want a relationship until I have something to give. I've tried it other ways. Don't like it. Until I have more than enough in my own life and want to share it with somebody else, I don't want a relationship. It wouldn't work too well would it?
Merry Christmas. Or, if you are a Diamondhead, apparently the term is Cherry Cherry Christmas (not even sure what he meant, but whatever - I read too much...)
Peace, AJ
I think that was what I was trying to say - that our longing for a relationship to fill the void isn't healthy -that it isn't until we can be alone, and until we have something to give that we are in any way ready.
AJ you just totally fed my ego with that comment. Stop that? Ha ha.
I agree with you about not wanting to be in a relationship until you know that you have something to give. I think that's really healthy.
The issue for me is not being sure if I have something to give or not. I mean, I seem to have a lot to give to my friends or family members. I seem to have a lot of availability for them emotionally/physically. I also know that I walk around my house doing nothing quite often, watching episodes of The Office (British version, that was this week's escapism...) or movies...staring out at my yard, reading book after book, some of which have nothing to do with my research but just for passing the time. And then I think, well, I could be doing something else. I could be hanging out with someone else.
Don't get me wrong, I ask women to socialize often. I asked 3 people to get together for dinner last week. I'm still waiting on them all to "check their schedules." Methinks I will not hear from them again, or if I do, it'll be the whole "Oh yeah, we need to get together soon."
So the point you raised for me, AJ, was how do you know when the time you're devoting to "nothing" in particular should be/could be something you could give to the right person?
I guess the only answer I can come up with is, "you'll know when the right person comes along", LOL :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I honestly believe that as long as we yearn for a relationship we aren't ready for one.
After Christmas I am going to learn tap dancing, as well as redo my garden [house is on-going project] I am also going to go out and do something new every week. I have had 4 surgeries in the past 18 months, [developed a great r with surgeon and staff though!] and am just getting back on my feet physically.
It is in my soul I feel a profound change. I am at ease with myself again. I don't mind being alone, don't feel the lack, the emptiness that I had been experiencing. And that wasn't simply lack of xh it was a disturbance in the Force, no doubt about it.
When I was married I was happy alone. It wasn't until my xh left that it became a burden, because I became a burden to myself.
I do have a lot of free time, but I love reading. Just finishing 'Aunt Julia and the Scriptwriter' by M V Llosa and in a different genre discovered Jo Nesbo.
Incidentally Antonia, i think one of the things we deal with during MLC is the issue of our ego. I don't think your xh will actually be happier with OW, but that isn't the point. He is on his journey and for now it is mainly still the crazy train
If i thought that my xh would have a happier and more fulfilled life, I have reached the point at which I would be cheering him from the sidelines. Yes, there would be some regrets, but I really and truly wish him well. Even though he does stupid and mean things to me whenever he gets the chance [Sigh!] I don't think he would if he were happy. I am becoming me, and that me is trying to be a big enough person to give others their space, and to wish them well. I want to thrive and I want others to do so.
