Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

Today is weird. I'm not sad, not happy, not mad...just kinda blah.

My BIL came in town last night and he gave me a great big hug (it felt so good to be hugged). He knows everything that's been going on. In fact, he got mad at his brother for 'giving up' a few months ago- a fight which my H wouldn't talk about. My BIL is on 'team kid'. He knows that us staying together is the best for the boys, but he also wants to support his brother. It's nice to have another face in the house and someone else to talk to- kind of a distraction for both of us.

The weather isn't helping my mood... overcast, drizzly I've also realized that our separate vacations are quickly approaching (they leave the day after Xmas), which also means that my H is going to move out soon- since he said he would towards the middle of January. I really hope that him getting away from me and the house will help him find some peace and start to move beyond the past. I know that I will still have to see him a few times a week when he gets the boys, but it's going to be odd not seeing him everyday in some form or another.

We haven't discussed our mini-separation (for the deployment) papers anymore, although I know that conversation is coming up and I really don't like talking about that stuff.

Just needed to get a few thoughts out of my head....
Hope everyone is prepared for this holiday weekend!

[purgatory]

I had a date tonight... with myself I went to a movie- with NO love story in it! I was also able to do some Xmas shopping without a time crunch and no kids whining or running around the store (all the mom's can relate!) The hardest part was listening to the Xmas music in the store. Why does almost EVERY song have to be about missing someone, I'll be home, all I want is you... it bums me out.

Tomorrow is another day for me to be my awesome-self I haven't cried in 4 days, and I'm proud of that because it means that I am coping better. Not gonna lie- I am still devastated, but I have accepted that I cannot dwell on things that I can't change.

[labug]

Pur, I have a huge collection of Christmas music of all kinds. I love it! We used to start playing the day after T-giving. Not this year! I've only listened to it a bit on the the car radio.

I've been going to movies by myself and I like it. The first time was weird but I now I enjoy it. In fact when S22 asked what he could get me for Christmas, I told him a movie gift card.

What movie did you see?

[brenalim]

Concentrate on the now.. not the soon to be. When he is gone on his holiday trip, don't bug him with phone calls or texts. This is a little mini taste of what life will be like without you and the kiddos. You are not done yet! Positive self talk is a must!! As long as you are willing to keep trying, there is still hope! My office at work was covered with post it notes with positive quotes on them to keep me going. when i woke up in the morning, i read a new quote from an inspiration book I bought.

Take care of yourself!!! It is okay to cry every once in a while (bravo on the four day stretch!!). Just pick yourself back up and start again! You also need to work on forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is a choice - you may have to choose it several times a day - but it's still a choice.

Have a wonderful holiday pur... for you and for your boys!!

[sunshine76]

Hey Purg, just checking in on you. Congratulations on going to the movies by yourself and not crying for the past 4 days!!! Well done!

As for the christmas songs, today I would personally like to hear a song about my W getting run over by a reindeer (sorry I have a very twisted sense of humor).

[purgatory]

God must have known that I needed some support today- I'm so blessed to come here and see that I have encouraging words from y'all.... thank you so much!

First off:
labug: I saw the new Mission Impossible. No love story, action kept going from the first minute and some good eye candy (Tom cruise is a little crazy off screen, but he's easy on the eyes)
bren: I am slowly working on forgiving myself. The hardest part to accept is that I don't remember everything because of my fugue state. The more things I find out (from friends and family, not just my H), the more I realize how out of control I really was- a hard truth to swallow. I like your idea of the sticky notes, I might have to borrow that one
sun: " like to hear a song about my W getting run over by a reindeer"... this made me laugh, and I really needed a laugh today!

So here's what happened today:
I had another appointment with a new pulmonology specialist. I was hoping to get a second opinion, but this one agreed with the first one about what my condition could possibly be. He ordered about 6 procedures and 4 blood tests and then the final one will be a heart catheter to officially diagnose... I'm really bummed. **If the diagnosis is what he suspects, there is no cure- only medicine and therapy to prolong the life expectancy of 10-20 years... kinda scary**
So I called H on the way home and told him what the doctor said. All I got in response was: "Ok. So we have a game plan." I was stunned that was all he had to say. We talked about the kids schedule today, and then I couldn't help myself. I asked him what he felt when I told him the news. He said that it sounds scary and he felt bad for me. I was starting to tear up so I made up and excuse and got off the phone. I had about a 45 minute drive home- not easy to do with tears causing my mascara to run in my eyes. H called me about 30 minutes later, and simply said: "How are holding up?" (I was surprised and wondered what changed in him) I couldn't hold it in, I said: "I'm really not ok. I just got new that is very scary, I have procedures to go through that are scary and I really need someone to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be ok, and you can't do that right now. So I don't have a choice, I have to work through this on my own and deal with it." I quickly got off the phone.
When I walked in the door, H was right there and grabbed me into a hug (I cried into his shoulder) He said "I'm still your friend and I care about you." We sat on the couch and we talked about what the doctor said and I gave him details about the procedures I have to do. He offered to come to any of them, if I wanted him there. I simply told him that I appreciate that and would think about it. We talked about what the diagnosis would mean for the family... he started talking about possibly getting me an extra insurance plan- because after the D, I would loose my military insurance, and another company might not give me coverage with a serious pre-existing condition. I was really upset that he was talking about the D while I was already upset, and I asked him if we could discuss this later- he apologized.
He and his brother had plans to go out after I got back from the H.... His brother came in from the other room and said he heard a little about what was going on, I filled in a few details (started tearing up) and he gave me a big hug. [I haven't had a hug from H in over a month, and today I got one from him and his brother.. lucky me!] H saw this, and announced that they weren't going out anymore, his brother agreed. They said that I shouldn't be alone right now. I knew how much my H had been looking forward to hanging out with his brother alone, I told them they could go anyways. They both kinda yelled at me for being silly and said they weren't going anywhere. We all watched a movie and ate cupcakes (that I made yesterday cause I'm awesome!] I thanked them both for staying with me and giving me a great distraction.

Here's my emotional problem, I don't want to get excited that my H showed concern when he called me the second time nor when he cancelled his plans to stay at home with me.... but it does make me feel good. I've been telling myself 'have no expectations!!' then there's that little voice in the back of my head that says: 'see, he still cares. we still have a chance."

I need his support to get through this, but how do I tell my heart that it's not going to change anything?

[labug]

(((Pur))) Difficult news. Meds and therapy is good news and things change all the time as far as treatment options.
Scream, cry and stomp your feet for awhile. Then figure out what you need to do for you.

As far as H seeming a little unconcerned initially, I think most men process differently than most women. They have to think about things and then when it's nothing they can fix, they don't know what to do. I believe they also keep their emotions in check because they need to appear strong and in control. Don't read too much into any of it.

"Here's my emotional problem, I don't want to get excited that my H showed concern when he called me the second time nor when he cancelled his plans to stay at home with me.... but it does make me feel good. I've been telling myself 'have no expectations!!' then there's that little voice in the back of my head that says: 'see, he still cares. we still have a chance.' "

Don't worry to much about this right now. Take whatever support he's willing to give.

Take care of yourself and Merry Christmas!

[Rick1963]

Labug men really are different. We either want to fix it or have sex with It. We a re really primitive machines unlike females who are brighter and more complex.

[labug]

Rick, I think we're all complex, just in different ways. Neither is all right or all wrong. We get in trouble when we expect others to react or respond in the same way we might and take the differences personally.

[purgatory]

"Labug men really are different. We either want to fix it or have sex with It. We a re really primitive machines unlike females who are brighter and more complex"

Rick- I really love how you threw a compliment in there for us women

The rest of the day/night went off without too much trouble. We all went out to dinner and my 18mth old decided that he DID NOT want anything to do with sitting and/or eating dinner... I spent most of the meal in the car with him until he passed out, then my H relieved me so I could eat something. We (H, me and my BIL) watched another movie together and had pina coladas- I hardly ever drink but I figured I deserved one after the news I got today at the doctors. I went up to go to bed first, but I found myself on this board checking in one a few friends.
**A 180 from my H: He came up to go to bed, but he checked on me first. He said that he knew I would be focusing on this new issue for a while and he was able to calm me down and give me some positive focus. I saw this is a 180 because in the past month, he has never reached out to me out of concern** We talked a little more and he opened up to me about some things that were bothering him about his brother. **My 180- I just listened and didn't interject, give advice or ask questions. I just tried to validate/acknowledge his feelings. This is a 180 for me because he's always complained that he never gets to 'vent' because I would always direct the conversation to a solution or more information** He left my room with a nice: "good night." I felt really good about this simple conversation. Even though it felt like something friends would talk about - I'll take it! I told another DBer that we should work on rebuilding the friendship first before rebuilding the lover relationship... I guess I'll have to take my own advice on this one. BUT it really hard not to get excited and think that it means anything more than that.

Happy Holidays to Everyone!! Hope you find a friend or family member to spend it with!