Too little, Too late.

[adinva]

My H too is overseas. He's been gone 10 days in August, then again over Thanksgiving, and again the week before Christmas, all gearing up to potentially a whole year over there. He wanted us to be legally separated before he left, but we put the brakes on that by working on making peace in the house. I think when things didn't seem so dire to him he didn't feel so motivated to get the legal wheels turning. Also I told him, for the kids, why not be separated by work - get the space and time you need - and then D later if you need to. Why D and then go overseas? Let the kids think our family's intact for a while longer. He has seemed to agree to do that.

He hasn't tried skyping with us yet, though he has looked up our college age former au pair who skyped with her mom and friends in her home country while she lived with us. So I know he's exploring skype. I'm hoping we can use it to keep in touch if he goes away for longer. For the 10-day trips he hasn't really communicated with me or the kids while gone. The bomb dropped in June, so all three trips have been a chance for a 180 where I didn't bug him and get upset that he didn't communicate with us. The time change probably makes it difficult anyway, though he could text or email.

I will read DestinyUnknown's threads too. My H is a contractor rather than military, which I think makes it more complicated. My H seems more WAH than MLC, though there's a touch of MLC he is very rational, consistent, determined, definitely NOT crazy like the MLC'ers in the MLC forum.

I'll keep you in my thoughts too, perseverance. Take Care!

[purgatory]

DU- thanks for responding to my post on your thread. I logically know that GAL would be the best step to take towards detaching and 'moving on'. Because of the kids, it makes certain activities (that I enjoy) a challenge to coordinate.... but enough excuses- I've got to do it for my mental and physical health!

advina- I'm sorry you're in this too I think we should start a new forum: DB while your spouse is deployed. could be a good way to connect with others who are dealing this very unusual batch of emotions: being a LBS AND worrying about their safety. Even though my H is only 31, I think he's having a MLC (partially) because he just keeps saying: "I need to find my happiness"
I have tried to ask my H not to sign Separation papers before he leaves. He's not completely against it, He really wants to get financial decisions and kids on paper... he thinks that I might try to take them away (which I never would!) I like your idea of 'letting the kids think we are a family a while longer' for their sake. Since they already have so much to stress about with their dad being gone- any legal steps would add to that stress.

Thanks for the support ladies!! I really need it

[adinva]

I asked my H for the reason for hurrying too and his were more tied to what if something happens to him. Sounded more like something a will should be for, and I said that. I don't think he's made any concrete steps in that direction either, but it helped reduce some of his urgency to D.

I also think my complete acceptance of his situation made a difference. It was like he was gearing up for a blow-up and all I did was say, I'm sorry you've been miserable. Thank you for telling me, it's no worse just because you told me, and it could even get better now that we can talk. That took the pressure off too.

Yeah, a forum for deployed WAS's is a good idea. There's a deployed LBS here too.

[brenalim]

Purg - remember, paper is just paper. The separation is not a divorce and considering the history, give him the peace of mind he needs before he is deployed. You still have time to SHOW him there is nothing to worry about!!!

You are doing great!!

[ericmsant2]

Again, please don't make the mistake I did and fizzle on the GAL'g. It is the one things that helps you and possibly your M. Stay strong!!

And I would only add....detach...detach...detach...

Make this about YOU not him. Focus on YOU.

That said, let me ask you a question Purgatory....what does focus on you mean to YOU?

Eric

[purgatory]

eric- wow. I hadn't asked myself that before: "what does focus on ME look like"...

I haven't done that in a long time. I put my career on hold to follow H around the country for his naval career and I raised 2 kids the whole time. So now, I'm left to start a career...and I'm really nervous about getting back into the workforce (not sure why, just am.) My kids take up most of my focus and energy- not any different from any other mom. I don't have any help to watch them and I don't have a babysitter, so GAL is a challenge.
The things I HAVE been doing to 'focus on me' are:
- planning on a job. researching availabilities/openings
- going to the gym daily (the YMCA has a daycare for the kids while I work out) Even though I can't to intensive stuff, it's nice to get out of the house and read a book while on the treadmill (I only read my 'fun' books, no R books during this time)

that' about all I have been doing.... not much. I'm not sure what else I should be doing.

[purgatory]

bren, thanks for reminding me that the paper doesn't mean the end... although it sure feels that way. I want H to go off with a peace of mind and not worrying what I might do while he's gone. I guess I'll have to sign something before he leaves.

advina- I think that it might help my sitch if I could take the pressure off too. I am having a really tough time accepting that this is where my life is going, but the fact is: it's going. and I need to get on board

H came home today and told me that the job has changed. He is now going to Bahrain (MUCH safer!) but that he has to leave in April... the good with the bad.
I'm happy and relieved that it's Bahrain now- he spent 3 years off and on there during our first duty station- so he's comfortable with how to live in that city. He'll be in an apartment (instead of a tent in the desert) and will have regular access to a computer... all positives. But now, he's leaving much sooner and he feels the need to rush to get the papers done. I was able to negotiate that we make a 'semi-separation' paper that just states the expectations for finances and kids, then we can do the 'long and detailed' paper when he gets back. That seemed to ease the stress of finding a lawyer and negotiating out all the details of our future- which should be done carefully and not rushed. (so maybe that was good compromise that made him feel I'm accepting it instead of fighting it?)
Unfortunately, things turned to a R discussion. He said some things, and I just took it all in:
"I don't think i can be happy with you", "I don't love you", "your long term goal should be getting used to me dating", "I didn't leave you sooner because I loved you and I thought we could work through it", "I am leaving knowing that I gave it my best effort, I gave 100% to try and make things work", "I can't wait until we can be friends again, I miss you as my friend", "I'm afraid to be nice to you right now because I think you'll take it as 'a chance'", "what we had; having fun and being happy every once and a while, is not what I think love should be", "I have the right to be loved and happy."
He was so calm, never raised his voice. He seems so certain that this is the right path for him to be on. Maybe he's not really in a MLC? I have to be honest, this takes away every little bit of hope that I had left. I only said a few things back, that affirmed his choice: "I know it must have been hard for you to be unhappy for so long."
I did slip up at one point and said: "it's really sad that you can't even conceive that you and I could fall in love again." He didn't respond, and didn't seem to get upset.
We ended the talk with his telling me that it's ok for me to ask questions or share these feelings with him- in fact, he said "don't ever keep them from me."

I feel so lost now. His confidence/calmness was convincing.

[Some Day]

Hi purgatory, I know it's hard when we hear our spouses sound so confident and calm in their choice to leave us. One thing that has been helpful for me to remember is that feelings aren't permanent. Just because your H feels this way today, doesn't mean he will feel this way days/months/years down the road. We all change our minds. It's part of being human. Accept that he feels that way right now, but don't take it as gospel and allow yourself to lose hope.

[DestinyUnknown]

Hi PUR ( I want to shorten it:))

Don't be fooled by what your H says at this point. While it may be convincing to you, it is more important that what he said is convincing to HIM. Most people in MLC tell themselves and themselves that what they are doing is the right thing without truly facing the issue - and in many cases the issue is with THEMSELVES!!!

That is why DB tells you to focus on you. We can only change ourselves and it is up to our spouses to want to change and do so.

So, I say ignore what he says..Listen, but do not place to much emphasis on it right now. Work on you. You have time to demonstrate change in you for you. If your H sees this as real and lasting, he may come along. Keep doing you.

[sunshine76]

Hey Purgatory, I'm so sorry!! My W had the exact same conversation with me. Unlike you I cried, pleaded and begged so I give you credit for handling yourself so well.

I think the worst thing for me is when she said that she wanted to date other people (can you please give me my heart back when you are through stomping on it?).

You gave me great advice when you said, "You guys were probably friends before lovers, right? So maybe there's a chance that you can be her friend to develop a new understanding of each other and ease back into the 'lover' relationship- just like in the beginning."

I know this is not the answer that either one of us wants right now, but we have to continually remind ourselves that we have a long road ahead of us and this is all going to take much more time than we would like.

Hang in there!