The title of my new thread was chosen specifically to make a point. I am a big fan of the Lewis and Clark Expedition in 1803-05. Back in 1999, my w and I took a three week cross country trip and followed the route of the expedition from Louiville ky to Fort Clatsop. We had a great trip, and gathered a life time of memories.
If you know anything about the expedition, from the time they left St. Louis, until the time they returned, they were traveling through uncharted territory, most never before seen by western man. One of most quoted lines from their diaries was "WE PROCEEDED ON"
In many ways, this is how I feel about my sitch. Each day is another step into uncharted territory. It is a journey, one which I would never have imagined that I would be taking. It is a journey of Discovery, much as the Lewis And Clark expedition was known as thevoyage of discovery.
I am learning may many things about myself that I have not been willing to admit. I became codependent during my m, and have been so since I was child. I have probably suffered from a low grade depression since I was a child, but it was greatly exacerbated when I was mobilized for service in 2003, at the beginning of the Iraqui Operation. From then on I I am now aware that I slowly began to withdraw from many relationships, I became more serious, less fun loving, more intent on trying to control the future, and a bit more angry.
In 2006 I had a short term physical ailment, which, for me never having been sick a day in my life, sent me into a pretty deep funk that probably affected my m more than I realized at the time.
In 2010, I was coming back from welcome home party for my old unit that had just been deployed. I had too much to drink, and was pulled over and arrested for DUI. First time in my life, and the thing is, I rarely drink, and rarely go out. Lost my license for 3 months, which again, sent me into a major funk. I became very dependent on my w to get me to the bus station in the morning to get to work. I think this is when my w started to become disenchanted.
I have been reading a good book called "Half Empty Heart" recommended by someone on this board. It talks about the prevalence of Low grade deepression in our society and how insiious it can be. I believe both mysrlf and s have suffered with it for years, w because of abuse issues from early on, me from highly dysfunctional family.
So, today, W is gone, having moved back to her home town with sister. We are still in touch, but I fear she is gone for good. Am doing my best to accept this. Am concentrating on what issues I brough to the demise of our m, and am determined to work on them. So, I continue on my voyage of discovery. I would like to thank all on here who have helped me along, and I look forward to helping each other in the future.
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Hi Gunny. Interesting how one learns about one self when in this sitch. I think becoming co dependent is normal after so many years together.
I have been screwing up 3 back slides so far including last night. Had a D talk requested some forms that W keeps and we had a R talk. Couldn't control myself. Not angry or yelling just asking. I laughed a few times to some of her responses. Instead of listening, will have to do better next time. I just could not believe that she was denying certaing things to my face. I laughed in the past I would have gotten angry.
Hope we can continue to make changes so we can have happier and better lives in the future. Have a great one buddy.
PS: 25 degrees this morning.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
From then on I I am now aware that I slowly began to withdraw from many relationships, I became more serious, less fun loving, more intent on trying to control the future, and a bit more angry.
This describes my H of the past year or two to a T, since his job changed to a secret military-type function. Would anything on your W's part have helped you, in retrospect?
Since the bomb and since I've been DBing he seems happier and less angry. But he's still withdrawing from relationships.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I have probably suffered from a low grade depression since I was a child, but it was greatly exacerbated when I was mobilized for service in 2003, at the beginning of the Iraqui Operation.
Gunny - just be aware, concussions (which many deployed have suffered) increase your risk of depression. Also, hormonal factors (low thyroid, low testosterone, etc) can cause depression - and some head injuries will affect the pituitary control of these hormones. Make sure you ask to have these things checked.
Hey Gunny. I read your post and I feel compelled to respond and hope you'll consider what I am about to write.
As you know, I've been following your sitch for some time now and have posted several comments on your various threads as have you on mine. What strikes me about this latest post of yours is that you seem to have come to an awareness about yourself that may not have been evident before, at least to me.
You seem to be resolved that your M to your W is over and that there is likely no turning back. The fact that your W moved several hundred miles away makes the finality of it all seem so much more certain. And for this I am truly sorry.
Your latest post contains some pretty tough realizations on your part that in the context of your sitch, really helps to brings your troubles into sharp focus.
Considering where you find yourself today, have you given any thought to writing down all that you have learned over the course of your journey and share it with your W as a sort of final apology/forgiveness type letter? I'm thinking of this in terms of the letter that Dr. James Dobson writes about in his book, Love Must Be Tough.
In his book, the letter is intended to free the offending spouse to pursue whatever they feel like they need in life while at the same time freeing the offended spouse of the guilt and remorse of the failed marriage.
I don't think this is necessarily a DB technique but considering your circumstances, maybe a carefully worded letter where you lay out on the table all of your past transgressions, your regrets, your new awareness, things that you are doing or have done to change and what I think we talked about a week or so ago, the idea that you would be willing to make a move to live near your W if a R were possible. All those things, spelled out in great detail, may at least give you the peace of knowing that you have truly done everything possible to save your M.
At least on paper your W would then have it all before her, and maybe, just maybe she will consider what she is leaving behind and think about what you two could continue to share if she were to reconsider her decision.
I'm not suggesting a letter that comes across as a plea for one last chance. Instead, just a heartfelt letter containing all the honesty that you have shared on this forum over the past few months.
This may not be something you want to even consider and others on this forum may completely disagree with my idea. That's ok. I just think that your situation is unique enough and has progressed to a point where something like this as a last resort type effort may be helpful.
Think about it. Perhaps share the idea with your DB coach or IC. But know that whatever path you take, we will continue to be here to support you.
Wishing you all the best!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hello Advina, Thank you for posting. In my sitch, it was like I was outside my r watching things slowly move out of my grasp. If my w had been constitutionaly capable of sitting me down and in a nonconfrontational manner letting me know that she was not happy with the way things were going and that if I didnt make some changes our marriage was in danger, I would have acted. Men, in general, need concrete communication, with definate boundries and consequences. These can all be delivered in a very loving way.
When she did tell me in Jan of this year that she wanted to go to MC, I immediately ageed. She gave me a concrete subject to deal with, and I acted on it. We went for seven times, and she told me we were doing better, we were allright.
Well, no matter how my sithc has turned out, concrete comm was very helpful.
Hope this helps!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Hello 2, First off, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post in such a thoughtful manner, I really appreciate the time you took!
I have pondered long and hard over whether at some point I will send an apology letter. My instincts tell me that at some point sending one is definatley appropriate, I just dont know when that point will be. I have discussed this with my DB coach and she also agrees that at some point a letter would be a good idea.
As I have been discovering along the way, low grade depression i a very very insidious thing. It can creep up on you over many years without you being aware. As I understand it, often times it just takes some type of trigger to get it to rea its ugly head. Over the years, you learn to develop very effective coping skills that allow you function pretty well in everyday life. But, along the way, alot of the joy out of life starts to slowly evaporate.
This has been one of my w's biggest complaints, that we didnt have fun anymore. I am not putting all or anywhere near all of the responsibility for my sitch on myself, but my unhappiness with life in general(not my m, I was very, very happy with it)could not but have affected my w. Maybe it is too late, i dont know.
In the meantime, I am out there plugging away and lerning more about myself everyday. Thanks again 2
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
