Has anyone ever recovered from a sitch this bad?

[gonnawinherback]

Thanks for the interst, Accuray. Here are the answers to ur questions.

1) I was the pursuer. No question.

2) we had several issues. Communication was a constant problem - I can talk stuff to death, and she hates to discuss issues or feelings. Both physical and emotional inimacy were lacking, there were trust issues, and there was the lingering effects of the EA I've just recently acknowledged. Our D2 was an infant and the pressures of life were wearing on us and we lacked the skills to pull ourselves out of it. W just didn't want to work on M, too busy with life.

3) sex was both infrequent and often unsatisfactory. She was the one less interested in sex.

4) I was angry that W wouldn't engage me in what I thought were constructive conversations about issues we faced as a couple. When angry I would sometimes raise my voice, or criticize her unwillingness to engage. I frequently insinuated that there was something wrong with her approach to life and if she would only do things my way our problems would go away, or at least improve. I was also angry about the lack of physical and emotional intimacy in our marriage and blamed her for those deficiencies. W's response was to shut down. She would often hear my complaints in silence and simply never respond. It was weird.

5) I have no idea. W may have had more contact with incomp C, may have been discussions I was unaware of. C was in 70's and thrice divorced. Not a DB poster child.

6) I always considered that relationship 2 b an innocent friendship, but w/in last few weeks I understand that I used OW to replace the emotional intimacy missing from my M. Started when W was pregnant w/D2. W became jealous, questioned me about PA, never really believed there wasn't a PA. This was where the trust issues really erupted. OW's H was unconcerned at time - we all considered it a friendship between all 3 of us. I eventually partially disengaged from the couple in deference to W, but never acknowledged wrongdoing until very recently. Stayed friendly with other couple on a reduced level. After separation, W went to OW and said something to poison my relationship with them. We no longer talk.

7) I'm honestly not sure what I did. Maybe because I backed off for a while. No idea why she did that.

I'll think more about your other questions.

[gonnawinherback]

Heading into court Tuesday to get custody of the kids. W wants to move them out of family home and in with OM, been dating since October 31 and not someone the kids or I ever knew. Actually, W already moved them in with OM, without proper legal notice. Kids (6 and 2) are noticeably unsettled by the upheaval.

DBing and court are a tough mixture.

Been thinking about the feedback I've received - more than one suggested I think about what I did to get positive response from W. I have an idea, but it is so odd that I fear telling it. It's only happened twice, so I ran an experiment and did it again - will reveal it if it works.

Question - do you tell your S that you aren't interested in reconciliation? Even if you are? I try to be nice, mostly right now to help us co-parent our kids, then she beats me up in court docs that I want to reconcile and can't accept reality.

Question 2 - can agreeing to a divorce be considered a 180? Not sure what other 180's I can do. And we can always reconcile later.

[antlers]

Relationships work best when they are based on mutual feelings of love, respect and kindness. The kids and their well being are not a priority with her.
Expect anything from anyone, the devil was once an angel.
Put your time and energy into investing in your own personal growth instead of investing in a relationship that she is ending.There is no return on the investment in the relationship that she is ending. In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in you.
The only thing you can do anything about right now is yourself. I know it hurts and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[Rick1963]

"4) I was angry that W wouldn't engage me in what I thought were constructive conversations about issues we faced as a couple. When angry I would sometimes raise my voice, or criticize her unwillingness to engage. I frequently insinuated that there was something wrong with her approach to life and if she would only do things my way our problems would go away, or at least improve. I was also angry about the lack of physical and emotional intimacy in our marriage and blamed her for those deficiencies. W's response was to shut down. She would often hear my complaints in silence and simply never respond. It was weird."

This ^^^^is similar to my convos with W. My W would shut down and just stare if I brought up an issue. The more she retreated the angrier I got. She said that I criticized her about everything. Me telling her that she was 2miles over in her oil in her car to her was a criticizim. When that is not what I intended.

[antlers]

One of the worst things we do in situations like these are to blame and beat ourselves up miserably. Being honest with self-reflection and learning from our mistakes are one thing...kicking ourselves in the balls constantly and taking all of the blame is another. And they are certainly willing to let us take all of the blame. "I do" means "I will". Period. They didn't. Do not fuel her negative images of you. Every positive action counts ten times more than any mistake we ever made. Don't beat yourselves up, especially now. If you make a mistake from here on out, acknowledge that you messed up and get back on track.

[gonnawinherback]

In the one constructive conversations I've had with W since the S, she acknowledged that we both contributed to the failure of the M (her words). And that's so true. The problem is that when the M is falling apart, we all have a tendency to focus on what our partner could/should do to fix things. Which is counterproductive, because we have no control over our spouse's behavior, only our own. DB is about flipping that dynamic around and taking care of our own business. My 2 cents

[gonnawinherback]

This situation with the W moving the kids in with her boyfreind of a month has really destroyed my trust in her, even more than her PA. Not sure I even want her back now, which is weird after 6 months of wanting nothing else.

[BklynMom]

What your W is doing is not right. Would your kids want you to forgive her? Dont shut the door yet. Hang in there.

[gonnawinherback]

Thx, BkM. I need to hear that. But there is such a loss of trust right now. I was prepared to forgive the PA, but uprooting the kids is a whole new level. I'm sure I'm like a lot of us here who want to excuse the WAS's behavior as a visceral, almost involuntary response to extreme emotional distress - either pain or fear, or both. Because somehow that makes it more forgivable. The alternative is that they are incredibly selfish, and that usually doesn't mesh with our idea of the person we fell in love with.

My problem now is, regardless of why she is doing it, how can I ever trust her again? If her decision making is so flawed that she is willing to expose our children to these kinds of emotional upheavals and possible physical danger, where is her moral compass? Where is her bottom line? What wont she do?

If its meant to be, I'm sure I'll find some way to forgive her. I just don't know how right now.

[gonnawinherback]

Lost in court today. Judge (actually a commissioner in this county) said that switching the parenting plan will be too disruptive. Apparently uprooting the kids from the only home they have ever known and into a house with what is essentially a stranger isn't too disruptive. Had an aquaintence in court on his own matter, told me I was brilliant (representing myself for financial reasons) and simple couldn't understand the judge's order. Wouldn't even give me a guardian ad litem!?

I know this stuff isn't really DB related, but I am absolutely despondent. I've done everything the court has asked and I can't get another minute of time with my kids. The W seems to be able to do what she wishes without consequence. I've lost the desire to even think about DB, just want to do whatever it takes to beat her now.

I just don't understand that in this country, a loving father can lose access to his kids for 90% of the time just because of gender, and the courts are completely complicit in it. It's like living in a third world country.