Has anyone ever recovered from a sitch this bad?

[gonnawinherback]

Hi, newbie here. I'vd read DR and have worked with a DB coach, but new to the forum.

My sitch: W & I met 9 yrs ago, friends first, then dated for several months before buying a house together. Proposed, unplanned pregnancy, eventually married, then second kid. So, T8, M5, D6 (son) and D2 (daughter). Last two years of M distant - I blamed pregnancy & brstfeeding at the time but now know I was huge part of problem.

W is westcoast stoic - practical, unemotional (repressed), pass/agress, w/ unhealthy dependence on family of origin. Her parents in a long term disfunctional M. W HATES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS. Very non-verbal. Avoids conflict at all costs. Loves the silent treatment and withholding affections as means of control.

Me - eastcoast loud, agressive, emotional, sentimental. Love to talk everything to death. Can be reactionary. Have a very hard time leaving anything alone - want to fix it NOW. Extremely comfortable with conflict. (How else do you fix stuff, right? Parents divorce when I was 12 - worst time of my life til now. Believe there is no such thing as too much love.

M was coming apart a year ago, but we made it to spring. W shut down to me - hardly spoke except for logistics, and sex was lacking. I got angry and demanding. Tried C, but incomp we saw started recommending D by 3rd visit - seriously.

Should probably back up. When W pregnant w/second D, I struck up a friendship w/neighbors. Developed into an EA w/ the wife, but I didn't recognize until just few days ago. W did, complained, but I protested my innocence because it wasn't a PA so must be OK, right? Know better now. So she shut down and I complained.

Incomp C made me so depressed at possibility of ever having a good M that I blurted out the D-word in May. Took it back a week later, but too late. Mid June W gives me an entire divoce packet ready to go. Had a lawyer and everything. Had to take me to court to kick me out two weeks later.

Cried, begged, pleaded for second chance for a few weeks. W severely restricted my access to my kids, who are my world, and that pain/anger mixed in with the rest. W wouldnt speak to me, made me go through lawyer. Mid-August I finally backed off. Early Sept W finally does something nice - invites me to family home for pics before D6 first day of Kindergarten. W wore very special dress she knew I liked and did her hair up same as wedding. Wanted to say something, but had just started going dim and didn't. Thanked her for letting me be part of the day.

October went badly. Finally had to respond to legal paperwork. Except for first day of school, W was inflexible and limited my access to our kids as means to hurt me. I attacked W's mental and emotional stabilty in legal docs, which I now know may have sealed the D.

Halloween - W posts on FB that she is in a relationship w/OM. Never heard of him before. His FB profile is pic of him w/my wife!! His interests are women and beer, and post of pics of them in bars. W looks smashed in most.

Tell W she 'broke my heart' w/ FB post. Seems to generate positive feedback. Conversationsa get friendlier. Best was over an hour on phone, best talk we've had in yrs.

Then the worst. I've been living like a troll the past 5 mo, in a friends spare room. Kids and I all together. Finally found ideal rental close to family home. Tell W, and next day she announces she's moving in w/OM! In 2 weeks - 10 days before Xmas! With our 2 young kkds, w/ a guy she barely knows! And I get the family home.

Went to court yesterday to try to stop it. Judge denied emergency order, set hearing for 13th. W will have move done by then. I made sure to focus on situation, didnt attack her. But she is shut down, making me go through lawyer again.

Monday night I called W before the court stuff started to get it out there before things went sideways (which I knew they would when we went back to court.) I acknowledged the EA and apologized. I told her how good she looked on the first day of school. And I told her that the long conversation we had in October reminded me of the girl I fell in love with. I told her I missed that girl and hadnt seen her in a longtime, but I would move mountains for her. I know all this may have not been DB smart, but its something I felt I had to do

Any stories about successful reconcilliations from a situation this bad? Would love to hear them. Could use a reason to be optimistic.

[Cadet]

I know all this may have not been DB smart, but its something I felt I had to do

Any stories about successful reconcilliations from a situation this bad?

Look about this description of your wife.

Very non-verbal. Avoids conflict at all costs. Loves the silent treatment and withholding affections as means of control.

What part do you play in this?
Maybe you need to 180 whatever your part in this is.
She wants to control you,
you let her or not?

Control is a sign of depression.
And it takes two, a controller and a controlee.
I already know she is the controller.
All you can do is to shut down your side of it.

Keep posting and learning

[antlers]

Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

There's another man, and she's started the legal proceedings for divorce. I know it hurts.

The only thing you can do anything about is you. Make a conscious decision now to not beg or plead anymore. She already knows how you feel. Start taking better care of yourself right now, eat right, get as much sleep as you can, exercise regularly. Do not try to change her mind. I know it hurts, and I know it's hard. You must do this, no matter what. You gotta do it for things to work out, and you gotta do it if things don't. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by investing in yourself and your growth and development.

[~¤DG¤~]

The only thing you can do anything about is you. Make a conscious decision now to not beg or plead anymore. She already knows how you feel. Start taking better care of yourself right now, eat right, get as much sleep as you can, exercise regularly. Do not try to change her mind. I know it hurts, and I know it's hard. You must do this, no matter what. You gotta do it for things to work out, and you gotta do it if things don't. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by investing in yourself and your growth and development.

This x1000.

I know you want to save your M, or else you wouldn't be here. None of us would be here if we didn't want the end result to be with our spouses in a much better place.

The truth is, you will never regret taking the time to invest in yourself and become the best person you can be.

Your W is on her own journey right now, and as hard as it is, you have to let her go through it.

[antlers]

The only thing you can do anything about is you. Make a conscious decision now to not beg or plead anymore. She already knows how you feel. Start taking better care of yourself right now, eat right, get as much sleep as you can, exercise regularly. Do not try to change her mind. I know it hurts, and I know it's hard. You must do this, no matter what. You gotta do it for things to work out, and you gotta do it if things don't. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by investing in yourself and your growth and development.

This x1000.

I know you want to save your M, or else you wouldn't be here. None of us would be here if we didn't want the end result to be with our spouses in a much better place.

The truth is, you will never regret taking the time to invest in yourself and become the best person you can be.

Your W is on her own journey right now, and as hard as it is, you have to let her go through it.

And this x 1000 too.

[WenikiTiki]

[quote=gonnawinherback] Keep posting and learning

This is the most important part! Read other threads, post your progress, and learn!

For example I learned something from your post. Your description of your wife and her communication ways were a very good description of my husband. I am an artistic sort, and very verbal. BUT I often can not/do not have the right words to understand my H. And sometime it is very powerful to see what others have written. It adds clarity to your own journey. So Thanks!

[kml]

Hmmmm....if she moves out with OM and you move back into family home, won't that benefit you in the long run? I mean, it seems like it might benefit you if you want more custody of your kids. Plus she might be more amenable to certain financial issues with the divorce if she thinks she's gonna have OM taking care of her.

This is not a hopeless situation, not by a long shot - after all, she's picked an OM who is into beer and women, he's not gonna be able to compare to you in the long run now, is he? But she is on a journey and you really don't have control over that - the best thing is for you to focus on your own stuff, becoming the best you that you can, and let her see that the grass isn't greener.

[BklynMom]

What kml said is so true. Your W is a mother too, doesnt sound like this OM is much of a caretaker if his interest are beer & woman. You should be thankful she is with a loser like that. Reality will set in quick.

Be glad you are getting the house, your kids will want to be back in their home too, not in some frat boy house playing beer pong.

Breath deep. Listen to your DB coach. Do what works!

[gonnawinherback]

Thanks everyone - it feels a lot less lonely with your feeback. This past week was a black one for me, but doing better tonite. The hardest part has been accepting how limited my influence is over a situation I used to be entirely in charge of. Like where my children slept. This weekend my D6 announce happily that as of tonite they are moved in with the OM. Some loser my wife barely knows, and the OMs roommate. Talk about a sitch ripe for problems - it's like every parent's worst nightmare. But all I can do is hope they are safe, and hope the legal system actually works for me next week. I'm tapping into a level of Buddism I didn't know I had in me.

As you all can see from my screen name, I am generally hopeful for reconcilliation, to the bemusement of most of the people I've confided in. (OK, all of them.) Last week's news really dealt me a blow, but that optimism is creeping back. I know my road is long, and it starts with me investing in me. But I barely crept out of the hole this week - as bad, maybe worse, than first hearing the D-word. Thinking of my babies sleeping in that stranger's house.....

Cadet, great feedback about control, lots to digest there. Antlers, thanks for reminding me to take care of me. Easy to forget sometimes.

[Accuray]

Gonnawinherback,

There is so much going on in your post, I'd like to ask some clarifying questions:

1) When you were courting, who did the majority of the pursuing?

2) "M was coming apart a year ago, but we made it to spring." How was it coming apart? What were the signs of trouble? What was your role in this?

3) "Sex was lacking." -- in frequency, in quality, or both? Who shut who down?

4) "I got angry and demanding" How did you show your anger, and what did you demand? What was W's reaction?

5) "Tried C, but incomp we saw started recommending D by 3rd visit - seriously." Why did the C recommend D? What happened in those sessions that lead C to believe your M could not be saved?

6) "Developed into an EA w/ the wife, but I didn't recognize until just few days ago." What? Why do you now think it was an EA but didn't then? What were you doing / thinking / saying that made it an EA? Are you still talking to her? What is her husband's take on your relationship with his wife? Did your W complain about this and did you deny it?

7) "Early Sept W finally does something nice" -- why did she do that? Did you do anything before that where this was the result?

Forget OM for now. Tell us more about you, and tell us more about W. What originally brought you together? What did you like best about your M? What was always challenging about your M?

When did things first start to unravel and why?

What 180's are you doing? What have you admitted to for yourself? What difficulties did you bring to the marriage?

Why do you want her back?

You'll get more help with more detail about these things.

Accuray