Did I do the right thing?

[waiting4thedawn]

This is my first post. I have been "lurking" here for about 3 weeks or so trying to decide if I had a WAS. My husband has left me 3 times in the past. This last time has been for good. Each time he left, he plotted before leaving. The 1st time was about 6-7 years ago-- he rented an apt and was slowly taking things from the house. This last time, he BOUGHT a house and left. That was in April 2011.

He told me he didn't want the marriage, he wasn't happy, etc. He told me over the phone that he wasn't coming back and three days later he dropped another bomb that he was buying a house and wanted me to sign an agreement saying I wouldn't ask for alimony. He started dating immediately and I also found out through snooping that he had been e-mailing a woman from his high school. The e-mails were almost a year old and it didn't sound like they had met, but it did kind of sound like an EA. I really don't know if he had any PA's through our 9 year marriage.

After begging, pleading, blowing up his phone, I finally got it. So, I filed for divorce and it has probably already been granted, but just hasn't come in the mail yet. I am only waiting for the judge to sign it and he's had it on his desk for three weeks, so it's just a matter of days before it's official at this point.

Without realizing it, I have GAL'ed and I went dark for about 2 months. The last time I saw him in Oct., He needed me to sign some papers so he could get insurance money for his car (he had hit a deer and the car was totaled). As he was leaving the house, he cried. I reached my hand out to him and when I touched him, he reached around and hugged me. This threw me for a loop and I tried to get him to stay and reverted to past behaviors by demanding that he stay for a few minutes and talk. He was visablly upset by my pursuit so I immediately sent him a text apologizing for losing my mind. Then I went dark. I even ignored a nasty text he sent a few days later. I knew that being mad and texting back a rude text wouldn't do me any good and I couldn't stand the pain so I ignored it.

I didn't hear from him for almost 2 months I thought it was totally over. He has signed every divorce paper without any contact so I thought we would probably never see or speak ever again. (We don't have any children so we have no ties.)

Then yesterday, out of the clear blue, I see that he has texted me. he wants to put me as his beneficiary for his life insurance. Then he asked about my Christmas plans and if anything was new with me or the family. I texted him back later that evening and tried to do what I normally wouldn't do which was to accept this generous olive branch. In the past,I would have said no thanks and that would have been it. Instead I told him that he had taken very good care of me in the past and it meant a great deal to me that he would list me as beneficiary. I didn't answer what was new or what I was doing for Christmas. Our texts stopped after I ask if the change in insurance was due to the new job he had applied for. He told me he didn't get it and I told him I was sorry about that but then he told me he had gotten a nice raise and that was why. So I said congrats and he didn't text back anymore....neither did I.

Is this simply an olive branch or could this lead to something? Anyone have any advice for me. Did I do the right thing? Should I have continued to go dark and not answer? What do I do now. I truly love him and I realize my mistakes however he has some issues too that must be worked on before I'd ever take him back, but is this a good start?

[Cadet]

Let him control the contact.
Treat him like a friend you would meet on the street.
I have no idea if this will lead to something further but I urge you to proceed cautiosly.
Let him lead and do not pursue him.
Hopefully you have learned your lessons and can continue to remain detached with NO EXPECTATIONS.

Keep us Posted

[waiting4thedawn]

Thanks Cadet for responding to me....since it was my first post I wasn't sure if anyone would respond or not. You're right. I'll let him take the lead. I have learned that lesson! I haven't heard from him since and I probably won't. I think I'm just now waking up and I'm becoming able to see what really went on in our marriage even though people have tried to tell me for months. I simply wasn't ready to accept hearing things until now.

I guess the big one is that he probably was having an affair. I've had about 3 guy friends tell me that the probability he was having an affair is extraordinarily likely. They simply don't believe he would have left simply to go figure himself out. They feel he was leaving to go TO someone. Since they are guys, they're opinion seems to matter to me because they're telling me what it would take for them to leave a marriage the way my husband did, and they all agree it had to be for someone else. I am just now beginning to process this. In the past, I ignored it because I don't think I was ready to hear it, but now I am. And I believe they're right. That has put a whole new spin on how I feel about trying to work this out.

I always felt that an extra-marital affair was a deal breaker. I guess I have more processing to do now. I honestly don't think I'll ever find someone that fit me as well as he did. We were perfect (or so I thought) in everyway. We were best friends, enjoyed much of the same things and had chemistry. But if that wasn't enough for him, then would I ever be willing to trust him again? I'm just not sure. I do know one thing....The past 8 months have been a walk through Hades, and I know I can't make that trip again. I honestly don't know how I made it out, but I have.

Any words of advice or thoughts on this are greatly appreciated as I keep working through this. Thanks!!!

[Cadet]

Well affair or not, you will need to forgive him.
More for YOU than for him.
The ball is still very much in his court and there is not much
right now YOU can DO to get it back.
I guess continuing to get on with your life and living it to the fullest is the best you can do right now.
This is YOUR journey and you must heal to be able to have a new relationship in the future whether that be with your husband or someone else.
No matter what, your old relationship is DEAD, I really don't know who you will have a new one with.
I would say for now, you need one with YOURSELF.

[waiting4thedawn]

Again, Cadet, you are right! I do need a relationship with myself. My counselor is guiding me down that path right now. When I told her about my ex listing me as beneficiary, I began asking her what did she think he meant by doing this. She wisely said to me, "It doesn't matter what he means by it. We'll never know. We can spend a lot of time trying to figure that out and still not have an answer. However, the better question is what are you going to doing about this?" Wow! it hit me that I live my life worried about what others think...I mean I worry excessively about that, especially with my ex.

A whole new world has been opened to me. As soon as I realize I'm waiting on figuring out another person, I stop/shake myself and ask myself what do I want and how do I want to handle things without regard to their intentions. I weigh what feels right inside of me. That has been refreshing lately. I am no longer dependent on approval from another person. Am I free from this need yet??? Of course not, but boy have I gotten a brain flip in the past 2 weeks!

The advice given here is excellent! It's so helpful as I navigate through the next phase of all of this.

Thank you for responding to me!!!! Have a Merry Christmas, everyone!

[Cadet]

I am no longer dependent on approval from another person. Am I free from this need yet??? Of course not, but boy have I gotten a brain flip in the past 2 weeks!

You make changes for YOU.
The person to please is YOU.

Yes small baby steps at first but
as TIME goes along it will get better.

Glad you are starting down a good path.

[forward]

I have changed quite a bit--in the past I would

In your situation, your X has overridden your feelings 3 times now and then shows up when he feels like it. I would call that abusive and cruel. Have you figured out why you would even consider going back to such a person?

I did a lot of work to figure out what drew me to my X. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there is still some pull there. But I am standing taller and more proudly as I realize that I deserve better than his cheating and screaming and narcissism. I know that there are certain issues that I have that I needed to work on, and I see him as a real

So what if he listed you as his life insurance beneficiary? So what if he asks about your family? That's not a real sacrifice on his part. What he DOES is not worth it.

I guess with some of the cheaters, I am less sympathetic, particularly with serial cheating. I'm not saying don't forgive, but I am saying that it makes sense not to allow them to continue hurting you.

You can do it on your own and you don't need his ever-so-gracious minor guilt-ridden gestures.

And yeah, stay dark. Not for him, and not for trying to get him back, but because it is good for YOU. When you are ready to stop being dark, you may see him in a very different way.