I apologize for my lengthy story. I am new here and hope to benefit from your collective wisdom. Brief History Married 11 years; known each other for 20+ years (have known each other since elementary school; started seriously dating in College) -Me: 35 Husband: 36 -Had what I thought was a fairly good marriage with normal ups and downs. Got along well; did lots together. I now see that we were both conflict avoiders and made lots of marriage 101 mistakes that have led to our current situation. -No children
Chain of Events
Dec 2010- Had miscarriage after several years of trying to get pregnant and undergoing several rounds of infertility treatment. We are both in mourning and devastated by our loss
Jan/Feb 2011 - Husband begins to show signs of depression. He sleeps a lot, even during the day. Is always tired. When I express my concern he dismisses it. Says he is not depressed and doesn't know what's wrong. I urge him to seek medical treatment. Everything turns out ok except for mild sleep condition which he gets treatment for.
Mar-May 2011 - He becomes for withdrawn and distant. Starts working long hours and seeks weekend assignments. Gets home late. Acts indifferently towards me and begins to act more distant with my family members and starts avoiding family visits, etc. My heart tells me something is wrong, but I am in denial and rationalize thinking that he is just stressed out from work because of all the long hours. When I ask, he says nothing is wrong, just tired.
June 2011- Husband begins avoiding sex with me. On one ocassion becoming impotent for the very first time in our marriage. After a couple of weeks of wondering if he is having an affair, I ask him. He denies it, but begins sobbing uncontrollably. Says he doesn't want to hurt me or my family. Says I was the best thing that happened in his life, but he doesn't love me anymore. That he should never have married me. That he has been unhappy for a long time and kept hoping things would get better. I asked why am I hearing this now? He says after 11 years of marriage I should know him well enough something is wrong. He says he was never in love with me. Says he doesn't know what he wants. I reiterate my love and desire to make things better. I suggest counseling and he agrees.A week later he packs his bags without warning and says he needs "space". Says he is going to his mother's house and doesn't know when he will be back.
July 2011- Returns a week and a half later saying he wants to do counseling and try to reconnect with me. We begin going to counseling. He hates it. During the sessions I learn that he feels we are not compatible, that I am boring, etc.
August 2011- He announces he is moving out again this time with another relative. Says he needs a break and space from me. We agree to see each other twice a week (one for counseling and one to do things together). I begin suspecting an affair. I snoop and find evidence of affair with co-worker. I confront him and he admits to affair. I am willing to forgive and ask him what he wants. Says he wants to do the right thing and will break it off with OW and come back home. Is home only 4 days when he announces he can't do this anymore and needs to be with OW who meets his emotinoal needs. Moves back out with relative. I break off non-essential contact with him.
Sept 2011- He gets apartment with OW. People at his work find out about affair (she is also married). Rumors are rampant. Due to type of job, boss demotes him due to lack of ethical behavior. He becomes further depressed.
Oct 2011- He breaks it off with OW. Gets his own apartment. Begings living like bachelor. Gets several tattoos, goes out to clubs, bars. Gets drunk a lot. Begins to hang out with lots of female friends and starts casually dating one of them. He begins to seek me out. We begin talking once more and meet a few times. Says he is confused and doesn't know what he wants.
Nov 2011- Continues to date new person. We continue to talk and do things, but with no R talks. He is hot/cold with me, sometimes alternating between both in a matter of hours. OW reaches out to him saying she is miserable without him and that they still have a chance to have a happy ending to their love story. He is "hooked" once again and they are is constant contact. He becomes more distant from me and begins avoiding me.
So that is the summary. I had a DB coaching session today and was told to begin a mild LRT (less frequent contact) and to GAL. I have a few questions. Does this situation sound like an MLC?
Also, I know I need to GAL because up to this point most of my life has revolved around my husband. When he left for the OW, and I had limited contact I began GALing. I started going to the gym more frequently, took swimming and dance lessons, got a new wardrobe, etc. However, once he broke it off with OW, I became obsessed with him again and stopped doing all these things because I just wanted to be with him. Now that the OW spark has been reawakened, I know I need to GAL again and this time be consistent with it no matter what he says or does.
This is my dilemma. I plan to take up the dance classes again (swimming lessons were only for several weeks) and go to the gym more. However, i don't know what else to do to fill up my time. I don't have many friends other than relatives who know about our separation and are very hurt by my husband's actions. Every day I struggle with what I can do to get out of the house. I tend to be introverted by nature, so it is hard for me to make friends. I would appreciate your advice on my situation as well as GAL for someone like me.
Thank you so much!
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
Welcome to the DB community. I'm sure the coach encouraged you to get Divorce Remedy to read. You may want to pull up some information about co-dependency, also.
Have you thought about taking some classes at the local college? I just bet you might find you're not the only introvert out there.
Most places have things going on in the community and will announce them in the local newspaper's society page. Once you make yourself get out and start attending public things, then it won't be quite as hard. I do believe men are better at attending things alone, more than women are. We women don't even go to the bathroom alone if there's another female around.
If you have but one friend who will go to a few things, that would beat staying home by yourself.
I think you need to really get your forcus off your H, and try to just develop your own life, for now. It sounds as if he's really confused and it might take a very long time before he is able to settle down and be stable. While he's not being very stable in his life.....don't you think it would be best for you if you got more out of life? I'm not telling you to give up on a future with him (if that's what you want), but I hate to see you put everything on hold while he's jumping back & forth with this OW. And, she obvioulsy is not his only problem. If he heard tonight that you were going to move in with another man, he'd be all over you trying to make you believe how much he loves you! Why? B/c that's where he is mentally/emotionally. The minute he knew he still had your heart, he'd lose interest again.
Can you share what you took away from your DB coaching session? Did your coach think your H is in MLC? Let me ask you this.....if he is, would it affect your decision in what to do about your future? If so, how & why?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I definitely agree, that as a woman it is very hard for me to do things alone. I've always done everything with my husband. I especially get nervous going out at night by myself. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable. When I did GAL initially, I actually went to the beach and to a local amusement park by myself. I like your idea about checking out the local newspaper events section. I need to get the guts to get out more on my own.
I want to save my marriage more than anything in the world, but I know that I don't have any control when it comes to my husband's actions. Over the past several months I have read many books and e-books (some good, some lousy). I have read Divorce Remedy several times and have basically highlighted every paragraph! I've done Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness program. I have read Chapman's 5 Love Languages, Not Just Friends, Close Calls, Getting Back Together, Fall in Love/Stay in Love and Surviving an Affair by Harley, and many, many, others. Do you have any suggested books on co-dependency that are worth a read?
My DB Coach said it sounded like an MLC due to all the confusion my husband has demonstrated so far. I don't really know. For me, knowing whether it is an MLC doesn't make a difference in terms of affecting my decision, but I think that it would help me understand what my husband is going through better.
My DB Coach also said that my approach of being kind and creating good will with him, initiating contact, etc. has yielded some good results, but I was overdoing it. I need to scale back and create more mystery, get a life, and become more unpredicatable. Also, learn to say no sometimes if my husband invites me to do something and not be so quick to return his text messages or phone calls.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I look forward to interacting with the great people on this forum.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
Hi- Welcome, I am new to posting as well and learning how to navigate these new waters. I am reading a great book right now called The Solo Partner by Phil DeLuca. Basically states that change has to come from within, because you are the only one that you can change. I would highly recommend it- it gives how tos on things to change. It has a great section on the pursuer/distancer realtionship, which is my husband and I. I pursue, he distances. He has no need to change, because I will keep pursuing. It's only when I can stop pursuing and make changes in me, that he will see the need for him to change as well. Pray often- God has a plan in all of this. He will reveal it in his time, not ours.
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
"Codependent No More" is a great read. I often warn people that if you are co-dependent.. DBing can be a little tricky because we have trained ourselves to "love" a certain way. For example.. being kind and creating good... sometimes we think it is love motivated, but it can also be motivated by fear.
It takes alot of patience and digging deep to tell the difference.
On the flip side - Codependent No More can easily get you to focus ONLY on you which isn't good all the time either.
So you really need a balance of the two.
I feel I truly love my w better now because of that balance.
Just my .02
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Today is my first day of trying my new approach (less contact) and I am so scared that I will lose my husband forever if I make a mistake. My husband's confusion, confuses me. Sometimes I think things are improving and then next he is stone cold again and shuts me out completely and turns to the OW and the woman he is dating.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
and I am so scared that I will lose my husband forever if I make a mistake.
(((Some Day)))
I don't have time right now b/c I'll be late for work, but I will come back. Don't give your H the impression that you are mad about something or sulled. Pulling back doesn't mean for him to think you're playing some new game with him. But it means that you just stop. (As for pursuing him.) If he wants to move in a little closer to you, that's great, but you've stopped moving either way for now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Checking out the newspaper for events is good and depending on where you are, there are sites like "Meetup" for finding activities in a grouplike walking, dancing, dog, dinner and a movie groups, just to name a few.
Hi SD, Welcome to the message board. Sorry to hear about your situation but I think you'll be glad you found us. You'll find a lot of support here.
Your H's reaction of going through the cycle of coming closer and pulling back is very familiar to a lot of us here. He's in a state of confusion right. Just be prepared for the cycle.
I think you have a good start on GAL'ing and you're getting good suggestions. Look for things that are going to put that extra spring in your step. There's not a one size fits all recipe to GAL'ing. For some people it means curling up with a good book, for others it may mean going skydiving. Look at it as an opportunity to try new things. Once you are able to brainstorm, I think you'll find it will build on itself and start to snowball. Concentrate on healthy activities.
Welcome Some Day! You have already gotten some very good advice, and I think that you will find that reading other situations may be helpful to you. Post as much as you need to, it will be therapeutic just to get it out. It has been for me.
I'm sorry that you are here, but glad you found us.
