A year later, struggling to move forward

[hope2011]

I haven't been here in a while. Back story:

- Married to DH 3 years, together 4 and a half
- 2 16-yr-old stepsons, I have no living children
- H's temper showed up right after we got married and moved in together. He's done a 180 on that in the past year and a half. Proud of him.
- Before that, we spent the first 2 years of our marriage miserable. Fighting all the time. MC was horrible.
- Last year it got worse. I b!tched constantly, he didn't try in the marriage, he only cared about money, I was lonely, etc. He joined a dating site last October. Things came to a head on January 1st when he ditched a wedding and left me stuck in a broken vehicle overnight. In January. Days later, I found out about the dating site. Everything blew up. I found panties. Blew up again. But somehow in all this we actually had the first conversations we'd had since we got married. He claims he never physically cheated, I still don't believe him. But I chose to put it in the past and try. Or at least try.
- From February to October, things have been a lot better. It's not been overnight but we both have been trying. He's been more attentive, took me to New Orleans for my birthday (I'd wanted to go there my whole life - I'm a huge history buff). We've laughed a lot, spent more time together, jobs better, life is better. He listened to me more but we never talked about last year, never worked it through.

Now, here we are. The boys got their driver's licenses last month, their mom bought them brand new sports cars. Their grades are horrible, they are lazy, they don't have jobs, they are disrespectful. Every other week when they are at our house, it's horrible. H doesn't stick to discipline, believes their excuses, coddles them, gives them gas money and money to go out with friends, lets them disrespect both of us and basically kisses their a$$es to try to keep the peace. It doesn't work. Last week we all 4 blew up and H and I were thankfully on the same side. We both let the boys have it. Now of course they want to live with their mom full-time and it's somehow my fault because if I wasn't here, H could let them get away with murder without me standing up.

Then yesterday, I walked in on H looking at porn on his computer. I lost it. All the stuff from last year came flooding back... the sites, the women, the hiding stuff on his computer, the defensiveness. He blamed it on pop ups from e-mails one of his friends sends him. I knew this friend was sending him porn, I'm not even anti-porn. I'm just hurt from all the reminders of last year when he broke my heart and I don't trust him. What hurt more yesterday is that he wouldn't talk about it, got defensive, blamed someone else, wouldn't tell his friend not to e-mail him that stuff. I'm just supposed to overlook anything and move on and not be upset and instantly forgive.... like he does with the kids. But I'm not built that way.

We barely talked yesterday, I slept in the guestroom last night. I tried to talk to him this morning but as usual, he "had to work" (but it was ok to work out this morning, he had time for that). When he did "listen", he was too busy looking at his computer, rolling eyes, etc. I was trying not to complain, I just wanted to talk things through, resolve this. It ended up another fight with him telling me that things are back to bad as they were last year. I asked if that meant he was going to go back to the dating sites. He said no. But still, it's a knife in my heart. We went from great back to horrible in a month. And he hangs divorce over my head... not in words but tone. Why can't we just be adults and talk?

I know I'm not helping his situation with the boys. I know I embarrassed him yesterday. I can't seem to stop myself from complaining, criticizing, nagging, being negative. I wouldn't want to be with me either. I just want to feel safe, loved. And I can't even talk to him about any of this.

[Cadet]

Just my .02 but your story is not really piecing.

Stop

I can't seem to stop myself from complaining, criticizing, nagging, being negative.

doing this.

Maybe you would get more help in newcomers or MLC.

You might want to include the circumstance of your husbands first marriage, why did he split with his first wife?
At least your side of it. Or maybe his?

Sorry you are back again and sorry no one is posting here to you.

[MynameisMZ]

Hope2011,

I agree with Cadet; this is not piecing. Piecing is when you both want the M and both work towards making changes.

You will get a lot of support from a lot of really great people here. Newcomers is like Grand Central, so you will get some good support there, but you'll be competing with a lot of people! MLC is good as is Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy. Skip around and do some reading, then choose.

We can help because we have all been there, done that!

<<<HUGS>>>

MZ