Hello- I am fairly new to posting here and believe my husband is having a MLC.
Here is some background: We have been married for 13 years, have a D9 and a S8. He was married before and has 3 children from that marriage. About 2 years ago my H lost his business due to the economy and he went into a state of depression, although he would not admit it. He detached from the family, would come home from work (he got a new job right away) grab a beer, and zone in front of the tv for the rest of the night. In April he started working out every day and detached further. Then in September he told me he didn't know himself anymore and felt like he needed to move out to find himself. He told me he couldn't find himself living with us. Immediately he moved to the spare bedroom.
A couple weeks after he told me this he told me that he saw a lawyer, but that so many of our friends had reached out to him that he decided to try and that he was going to go to counseling (on his own.) He has a lot of unresolved issues from his past- his mom was married 5 times, he didn't meet his dad until he was 15, and his first wife had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy (he raised the child as his.) This is the abridged version- the whole story is so sad.
I have a friend who told me about DB, and my counselor (I am going on my own also) recommended DR. I have been reading all I can find on MLC. I started the techniques, GAL, not speaking to him too much. I have tried to give him the space he needs, but living in the same house is hard! He doesn't do a lot with the kids- mostly he comes home from work and goes right into his room. He won't eat anything I cook- says that he doesn't want me to perform any wifely duties, when he can't be a husband to me.
This has been going on 3 months now and he continues to tell me he wants to move out, but he hasn't. He goes through stages where he seems "normal" for a bit, but then it seems like he has to do something to push me away again. The other day he seemed so angry at me- I was the reason for all his problems- actually at that moment, all the problems in the world were my fault, and then 2 days later he is texting me, asking for sex. He continues to want to be intimate and acts completely normal during. I guess I am just wondering if this is a MLC or something else? Do I continue the intimacy, or should I stop. My concern is that if I stop he will look elsewhere for it, or feel I am rejecting him.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyone has said it is the worst roller coaster ride ever. I am trusting God in his promise that he works everything out for the good. Any advice is welcome and appreciated.
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach the single most important thing to DO. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
As I said to you on NC, and though I am no expert, your H sounds classic.
It is said around here that MLC = Confusion.
Read the resources that Cadet has given you a link to and come back and ask questions. There are a number of folks here who have dealt with having a MLCer and have also studied it. Lots of info, and advice to be gained here from some very wise and caring people.
Whether your H is or isn't MLC doesn't really matter. What matters is that you gain your footing and know that you'll be better than OK however this turns out.
Sounds to me you H is cake eating with both hands. You can't 'live your own life' by living in the spare bedroom and still having sex with your spouse. I'm not saying you should lay down an ultimatum, like get out or shut up, but the sex thing is not healthy. For you. Men could have an intimate relationship with a knot hole. NO OFFENSE GUYS!
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
That was funny!! I agree that I have to give up sex. Not only is he using me, but I have also been using it as a form of manipulation. It is the only thing between the 2 of us that I can control anymore. But I have given that control over to God. The past few weeks I have tried to give the control over, but then I take it back to try it my own way! But I deserve to be treated better than that. The last time I said no, he seemed angry for a couple days, but then he asked again!
Cadet- thank you for posting the resources. I have read them all-even printed some but will re-read them again (and again)! The pursuer/distancer got me hooked and I ordered the book The Solo Partner. I am about 1/2 way through it an I just got it yesterday. It is right on the money when it comes to how my husband and I deal with each other. I pursue, he distances. It is so much like a dance, and it has worked- until now! Has anyone else read it and tried any of the techniques?
I guess it doesn't matter about whether he is in MLC or not- I cannot change him, only me! In a conversation we had recently, he said he wanted me to give him a figure, an amount I need to live on to maintain the house, etc. I told him I wasn't going to help him leave, that if he wanted to make that decision, he was going to have to own it and do it himself. He threatened again that he was going to "take action" but hasn't done anything. I told him that if he truly did not want to be here, he should leave, as it is pretty much torture for me having him here.
I think I am doing a pretty good job GAL- I just have to work on the going dark more. Any other resources, books, etc. I would love to read them!
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
You mean I need to draw a picture? Or be more colorful?
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
So in my counseling appointment yesterday, my counselor recommended that I not make myself scarce so that he can spend time with the kids. What happened is on Thanksgiving, I made plans to go to a friends house with the kids. I wasn't going to cook and try to play happy family. He was invited, but of course did not go (he was going golfing instead.) I told him he could text me or call when he was done and I would bring the kids to him, or he could come and pick them up. At 5, he still hadn't called, so I packed the kids up (they didn't want to go) and we went home so they could spend some time with him. He was sitting on the couch, drinking beer, watching football. He didn't interact with the kids much at all. I thought maybe it was because I was there, so I went out for a run. I was gone about an hour and when I came back, he was upstairs in his room, and the kids were sitting on the couch watching a movie.
Her point was that it is almost me trying to control him spending time with the kids. He needs to know that if his choice is to move out and be single that he will ahve to work at having a relationship with them. I have been trying to give him space to spend time with the kids, but if he is not going to, I can't force it. There are times when he seems like he is trying- this weekend he planned to take them roller skating, but they were back within a couple hours. Is this normal? How much should I encourage interaction if at all?
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
