Trying to be still when I really want to scream!

[psalm46:10]

Hello,
This is my first post here, although I have been reading posts for the past couple months.
Let me start by giving the background:
My H and I have been married for 13 years, together 17. We have a D9 and a S who will be 8 in a couple weeks. I was 19 when we met, he was 25 and has 3 kids from his first marriage. We have been mostly happy throughout our M, going through minor problems along the way. About 5 years ago, I learned that H had an addiction to "adult chat sites." He was emailing thousands of women, met a few for lunch/dinner, but swore there was nothing physical (I'm not stupid). I chose to forgive, we went to counseling, and all seemed better. Two years ago his business went under due to the economy and all went downhill from there. He began detaching from myself and the kids- he had a new job, but it was working for someone else, and that was not "his dream." He would come home from work, grab a beer, and sit in front of the tv, barely speaking to anyone. About a year ago, I found out that he borrowed a large sum of money from his brother to try to keep the business open the year before. He lied about it until he couldn't lie anymore. We went to counseling again, and things seemed like they were improving. In April he began to act like a different person. He was working out every day- would get up at 5 am to workout before work. He was working later. He claimed it was because he was about to turn 44 and needed to take care of himself.
On 9/5, after returning from a family weekend at the beach, he told me that he "needed his space." He said that he didn't know himself anymore and felt that he had to move out in order to find himself. He moved into the spare bedroom and has been there ever since. He told me that he is going to counseling to work on his issues (terrible childhood, etc.) but that he does not want to be married anymore. He has cut off all communication with people from our church who care about him. He told me the other day that he wants me to come up with a "figure" that I need to live on so that he knows how much he has to get an apartment. I thought about it and told him that I would not help him leave. If he wanted to go, then he needed to do the work involved. Honestly it would probably be easier if he did leave, the tension would be gone- but that is not what I want.
I am in counseling, dealing with the issuses I have that led to this situation. I read DR, along with numerous other books. I am keeing busy with activities- I started running in the evening to give him time alone with the kids, and to allow me to clear my head.
I truly believe he is going through a mid-life crisis, and I know I just have to be patient, but some days that is just so hard! I am trying to be still, knowing that God is trying to teach me lessons through this process, but again, that is easier some days than others. Any advice? Thanks for letting me share!

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi Psalm-

I'm glad you decided to share your story with us.
Since you've been reading for a few months, you can see for yourself what a great support system we have here.

It does sound like your H is having a MLC and unfortunately all you can do is stand back and allow him to go through it.
Make sure you establish some boundaries for yourself.

The fact that you are in C for yourself and are doing things for YOU (running) is a very good thing.

Just keep posting, others will pop in and share their support as well.

[psalm46:10]

Thanks for responding DG!
I have so many questions for everyone here. Let me start with a couple. First, my H still wants to be intimate. What are everyone's thoughts on that? At first I thought it would be ok. However I feel now like it might be a mistake. Obviously the emotion for me is much different than it is for him and he is able to just turn the emotion off where I am not. I am scared if I do not continue the intimacy that he will look elsewhere (I still believe that he is not having an affair) or that he will feel that I am rejecting him.

My next question is in relation to my kids. He has pretty much detached from the kids as well. He spends the majority of his time in his room, I'm assuming it's because he doesn't want to be around me. I am trying to give him space to be with the kids without me around, but he just stays in his room. I encourage them to ask him to watch movies with them, play games, etc, but he won't. Should I stop encouraging them to reach out to him?

I know I am in for a long ride, and I am trying to do everything I need to do to make sure I am healthy at the end of this roller coaster ride.

[seeking answers]

Psalm,

I am from the MLC board. It does sound like your H may be having a MLC. He actions sound very similar to how my H started out.

The shutting himself from everyone is classic. Mine did that for two years before he left. That is not to scare you, not all MLCers leave.

There are resources at the top of the MLC board that might give you more insight to understand if MLC is what your H is going through.

It is a long haul and will require more patience than you ever thought you possessed. You can't fix this for him. He has to work it out for himself.

As far as the kids are concerned you will probably have to step up and fill in for your H with them. If he is going through MLC he is all about himself right now.

As far as intimacy, it is a way to stay connected to him and a personal choice. Again, not all MLCers have affairs, but it seems the majority do. Please make sure that if you remain intimate that he is not having an affair so that your health is not at risk.

While your H is on his journey, MLC or not, take a hard look at your M and own your part in its breakdown. This is an opportunity for you to work on yourself, and it sounds as if you have started.

Remember, you can only control you. Lay your H at the Lord's feet and let Him work on him in His time.


((( )))

[psalm46:10]

I am learning that the only one I have control over is me. That has been a source of contention in our marriage- my need to control. I know that is one of the lessons God is teaching me in this situation. I believe that not only is my husband on a journey, but I am as well. I am learning to give the control over to God, as he is the only one that can redeem my husband.

H has admitted that during counseling he has determined he has a problem with women. His mom was married 5 times. His 1st wife had an affair. He said it was like a light switch went off and all these emotions came rushing back. I read one of the resources on the MLC page about why they run- most have had traumatic childhoods, etc.

I just keep praying that he will wake up and see what he is doing to the kids and that he will not choose to throw away a 17 year relationship.

What they don't realize is that their problems go with them when they leave. I may not be a perfect wife, but then again who is? But I am willing to do what I need to do to change my faults that led to this. I just wish there was a way to get him to see that running from his problems is not the answer!