DBing against OW...?????

[westcoastfella]

Man, im a mess this morning...dreading going to the house, shakey and having a hard time catching my breath...im always like this before i have to spend any time with him and he is sooo calm, which makes it worse.

I understand this all over. I was an emotional wreck for a long time, and I can't say that I'm 100% better, either. Any time I would have any contact with my W, my heart would pound and my breath would catch in my throat. It gets easier with time and detachment. Right now, just let yourself feel what you feel. You'll get better when it's time.

Also, I hear the bit about your H being insanely calm. My W was beside herself with guilt and inner struggle during the first week of her A, but after a while, she became weirdly calm, cold, and cruel to me. I read this as a defense mechanism. It's easier for them to deal with their own pain about the matter.

[Huh]

Me too!

Strangely I recognized some time ago. Long before the discovery of an A, that I began to feel uncomfortable when I was about to see her. Especially if we had been apart for a few days. Never could figure out why.

The reason for the recent discomfort is a bit more obvious though. I don't think I'll be ready to see her for awhile.

Chin up and I hope you get through it without too much difficulty

[imthemom]

packing the house was horrible...He did not acknowledge me in any way and acted like he was irritated that I was there...after talking at least 2 times over the last week about going threw the last of the stuff and cleaning out the house he acted like I was just in the way and couldnt get me out of there fast enough, He had text me "good morning, could you bring the ladder when you come" and then didnt even say hello when I walked in with S14.
I proceeded to get the rooms cleaned out while he was in the garage and watched me lug several heavy items and boxs back and forth to my truck and didnt even make an attempt to help me.
I found our S14s box of baby things we had saved and found the sonogram pics in there which just made me a mess...I had to go out side on the side of the house and cry...It was more painfull then expected and ended up just getting out of there as soon as i could. Now will prob have to go back since I really didnt finish getting everything...or just leave it for him.
I dont understand the nice pleasant person who will text me happy thanksgiving and such and then when he sees me is so completely rude, mean and just dismissive, wont even look at me as I drive away.....the whole time I was there I felt so bad about myself, ugly and unimportant and unwanted...brought me right back to why I originally left in the first place..I was so lonely and felt so unimportant to him then and it hasnt changed at all except he was never just plain mean to me like he is now.

[seeking answers]

ITM,

He may not be able to face you because of the guilt he feels. That's why email or texts are safe. He doesn't have to look at you while communicating in this way.

If you feel he's doing it as a way to 'punish' you, take that power right out of his hands. Whenever you see him you have your best PMA on. You should always display this regardless. Do not let him see you breakdown. Save that for the privacy of your own place.

This is tough stuff. Keep working at it until it becomes natural to you. I know this can be done because I do it all the time. My H sounds much like yours...

[westcoastfella]

Don't take his behavior personally. It probably has less to do with you and way more to do with him. I can relate to this, and I'm sure many others on the forums can, too. A WAS begins to convince themselves that YOU are the problem and the enemy to their happiness, so they treat you like scum. It's so bizarre to see them act so cold & cruel in the midst of your tears even though YOU'RE the one who's being obliterated...and even though they were once so warm & loving...

Seeking's advice is a great one. He's doing what he's doing to lash out at you. If he sees that his nastiness isn't rubbing off onto your positive attitude, maybe he'll get confused and cut it out in the long run.

Hang in there -- it does get better!

[imthemom]

I had to make another trip to the house tonight and thought he was done and gone...
When i pulled up he was there...with her...in my freaken house packen my things...!!!!!!!
I was an adult and just pulled around the corner and text him that i was waiting for him to leave and how long would it be....he just said "we" will be leaving in a minute.. no reaction that I had just pulled up to our house and he is there with OW...nothing...after a few minutes he pulled out and drove right buy me with her in my spot in his truck....I was devistated...this has been the longest weekend of my life..

[Abbey]

Stupid man. Stupid, stupid man.

Just remember, it's not about you. It's them living so far into their own heads that they don't care who they hurt, or what their actions do.

[mishka422]

Oh ITM, that bites. It's typical behavior though. The only thing you can do at this point is ignore him completely and pretend none of what he does affects you in any way. As long as he feels the power of the pain he is causing you, he holds all the cards and will continue to do it. I sometimes wonder if these people have any clue what being stabbed in the heart feels like. Hmmm......

Be your wonderful self and live your life as if he doesn't exist. The more you can do that, the more it will become reality. Let him live in the mess he has created and after some time he may come to realize it. Trust me......I've lived it!

[imthemom]

I know that this thing with her has NOTHING to do with me, but the complete lack of sensetivity regarding my feelings is so foriegn for him...it is so painfull, i feel like ive slid right back to the day i caught them in our bed...he kept texting me last night asking if I needed anything else from the house and if I had gotten everthing...i never answered him and he finally sent me a text "are you having a moment?"......I swear I thought my head was going to burst....the utter disregard is staggering...
I have never felt this way about him before..the thought of seeing him or speaking to him makes me feel sick...which will make going completley dark all that much easier. I will not contact him unless S141 is in ER or bleeding profusely...Im over being his punching bag.
Now i just have to sit through yet another joke of a Co Parenting session this week, but i will sit there and listen and not say a word unless asked...
lots of tears this weekend...i swear i am so sick of it, i can hardly stand myself..

[Abbey]

*hugs* ITM. You're going to feel better going dark. Seriously. It's hard, but you will get a very good sense of self and peace once you do.

Next time he asks if you're having a moment. Send him back a text with only these words: Are you?

If he sends anything back... send: Busy now, can't talk. TTYL. (and don't send anything back until the next time he texts).

And yes... the look of them after a while makes you want to ralph. Normal. You'll go through times where you'll want to cling to them like a small child and other times where you want to paste them in the face with a full sized shovel.