my initial thread is called "my story" and it's long and complicated situation that i'm in so if you're really keen to know please read that thread.
my son awoke at 430am crying out when he has to to potty (he'll be 5 on Dec 30) and my W and i ended up in the room together but she was startled i was there. i was, at that very moment, having a massive panic attack wondering if there was OM involved. i had that thought because of a) my own previous actions which would amount to something like heavy petting and b)i know she has a connection with him in a visceral way.
i'm still quite panicked about it actually however i think there may have been a breakthrough today. i DIDN'T ask her there at 430am knowing she had a job interview at 9am. when she got home we had the best conversation that we've had, honest, without anyone getting angry or crying...just connecting like we had not done in a long time. though the conversation was difficult (i'm a disabled vet) so a lot of our conversation centered around me being complacent with disability income when i could probably get a fast food job or something part time to get an extra $300-400 a month which would help out tremendously. she feels anxious about her interview and sort of dumped her angst on me saying that because in the IT field (my former profession) changing jobs often isn't viewed in a negative manner that such things were far more common than they used to be. she blamed me for her thinking that was correct and that, in fact, why she hadn't been hired was due to having only been in jobs for a few years before moving on to another.
in any case... long story short... it was a very good communication session and i hope a portent of our being able to fix our relationship and keep our family whole.
our conversations since that last one have all been indicative of two people staying together even though she hasn't explicitly said so. i don't know if this is the second chance or not...i feel that it may be.
i know i need to do something to get a few extra dollars coming in and i just can't get a freakin' break with that disability crap. *sigh* i suppose that i'll have to start over in something...i may even have to go back to fastfood... the last time i did that was about 18 years ago or so and the standing will be difficult but i can handle it.
the real issue for me, in this interplay, has been her decision to demand sole physical custody and then only allow me to interact with my son at her discretion. that isn't ok with me. if that is how it is going to be then i'm moving to where i actually want to live instead of staying here. i've stayed in MD for relationship after relationship and have never managed to get out West. perhaps this is the time to do so.
so much undecided and unknown. it's hard to do anything and i feel paralyzed.
