I remember coming to this site 7 years ago, at the time my name was wishingitwasover.. After 7 years of dealing with my husbands midlife crisis I have learned many things and yes I am still Married to him..
when he first left I thought my life was over, I was heart broken I thought how do I get over this? How do I move on in life?? will he ever come back or will we be divorced??
After learning about this site and all the wonderful people on it I got I guess you could say stronger, I got some great tools here how to deal with him, and how to deal with all my crazy emotions and trust me I had many....
We never got back together but we are still married, he went 4 years ago and got himself a new house, and I was the one that picked the house for him...you see we are like best friends now, he calls me everyday and I call him a few times a week, we have children together of course they are now both over 18 and he is apart of the kids lives.(Thank God) I have learned how to deal with him, and yes in my eyes he is coming to the end of his crisis he is still in it, but I do see the change in him The old him..People tell me all the time that he still loves me, And I know he does but he is Not IN LOVE with me and right now in my life I am fine with that.
Once I understood I could not change him back to who he was, Once I understood I had to let him go through the crisis is when my life became better, I let go and acted AS IF and moved on with MY life, I had been a stay at home mom from the age of 18 I never worked in 27 years, I had no skills I had no college education, I was pretty much starting over in life, I started out small working in retail, I learned all about how to run a store and what it took, I took notes I watched people in the company and moved up very fast and became a manager. I grew in my Job and for the first time in a very long time grew as a person.. There was no more time to invest in my husband I had a life of my own now, I had dead lines to meet, I had a home to run, I had a son to care for at the time, I had filled my life with so many things I had no time for him or his drama..
Now with all these new things in my Life including a new man My Husband started seeing the change in me, he would ask me about my job, he would ask me about little things, and then before I knew it he was calling more and more, telling me about his day, telling me about things going on in his life, BUT he NEVER tells me about anybody he is dating, he will not touch that subject with me to this day... this is how I know he is still in his crisis..
When the phone calls started I did not look to much into it, then he started paying taxes on the property that is still in both of our names, then he would come pick up our son like 4 times a week take him out and buy him things go to the movies with him, out to eat,,, then it went to him wanting to fix the house up and he paid for somethings to get done,, this has been going on for the past 2 years... He never talks about us, he Never touches on what happen, He never says I am sorry for the hell you went through, and guess what I am fine with that, he has suffered and he has lost so much, he has been in his own Hell for seven long years, he no longer wants a divorce he wants to take care of me even though I am living with someone else, he has told me over the past 2 years that I was a amazing woman, that I have earned my wings, that he has never met anyone like me and never will... I believe he misses what was but in his mind he can not go back, in his mind he has caused to much damage, Our cars, home, insurance is still in both of our names we still file taxes together, we just live in different homes, I teased him the other day and said he was the most perfect husband a woman could have, I told him I do not have to do your laundry, I do not have to cook your meals, I do Not have to listen to you when you are moody, I said this is a great marriage.. He laughed he said your crazy and I said yes yes I am but you love me,..
So my lesson was LET GO, Act as if, show them that you will be okay, Do not let them see you hurting or hear your complaints because when they are in the crisis they do NOT have the tools to deal with it..when they start to see the change in you they start to think...
This is not something I would want anyone in life to deal with, this was the roller coaster ride from hell, but in my case I got off the ride and moved on in hopes that I could move on and be happy, and I am..
Hang in there all of you, life does get better when dealing with a crisis like this.
This just made me cry.. Great post, glad you're doing good.
Me: 28 H: 40 Together: 10yrs Married: 6 yrs OW, ILYBNIL: june15/ 2011 I moved out/ ow moved in: nov 2nd/2011 H and ow no longer live together: may 1/2012
Thanks for the update. It's nice to hear that those who suffered so much, actually got through it and flourished. I've been at this for about the same amount of time, and I see that my H is still in his crisis. I don't expect him to come out for awhile and I am, at last, starting to let the M go. Not that I want to get D'ed. I'd be happy with your type of sitch, and I can see that happening for me too. All my kids are past the 18 year mark, and have survived the whole MLC with me. My H still "lives" at home, which means he has a room at our house, but travels often for work. He's more in hotels than at home. He is putting me through university (or, I should say 'we are' - still our money). My daughter too. So, life goes on, and I don't feel much for him anymore ... not emotionally anyway. I do love him, but when I say 'love', it's more a mental thing, not of the heart.
Gah! Going on too much. Glad to see you're doing so well.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Wishing, It's been a long time and I was very happy to come here today and see that you had posted. I'm very happy to read that you are doing well.
As for your h, he knows he screwed up and now he's trying to find a way to make things right. He never realized what he had until he lost it.
As we all know...in the end, it's really up to us as to where we want our journey to take us and whether or not we want them back.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much I learned so much from YOU and everyone else here, at the time when you would try and help me I could not see past my own emotions, I thought I don't get how does someone act AS IF?? How does someone in so much pain let go?
And I remember one thing you told me...worry about YOU and YOUR Son. and that is what I did, and it was the BEST advice you could have given me, Of course it took some time to sink into my head, I was fighting my heart, I was fighting my brain I was fighting his crisis.. But once I stopped and thought about what you said is when it clicked with me, Let him have his crisis and while he is doing that TAKE CARE of ME and My son..
I sometimes still sit and think about all of it and wonder why? but I do not think about it to long It gets you now where..I have been working with some people over the years that have bee n on this roller coaster ride and told everyone of them to Join this site and read all of the stories here, Talk to everyone here, you will fine the most Loving Caring Understanding people you will Never feel alone when dealing with your H/W's crisis..
Not only has it changed my way of feeling and dealing with the crisis it changed me as a person, my Heart is more open to people, I no longer judge anyone because I have not walked in that persons shoes.... I have opened my home to people that have tough times in life, I have given back to many charities, it has opened my eyes to a world I knew nothing about,,, and found that Life is to short for me to sit around and cry over all I lost, I now sit around when I have time, and think of all the good things I have in my life..this is not only a crisis for the one that walked away it is crisis for the family..
My main goal when I started on MY road to recovery was to make sure Our son was okay, I started him in therapy, I watched him like a hawk, and yes I may have even babied him a little more then I should have.. My son struggled with the loss of his father, was angry at him, was hurt.. I had to push my own feelings aside and tell him, Your father loves you more then life itself, Your father will always be there for you, Please understand this had nothing to do with you, Your Dad needs sometime to figure things out, and if you ever need him he will be there. It did take time and it was a lot of work to keep him on track but Thank God my son let go of his anger and hurt and is now very happy to be in his fathers life and Thank god they do have a great relationship when ever he hangs up the phone I hear him say I LOVE YOU DAD...my son went from a 297 pound 15 year old who was depressed to a 187 pound 19 year old who is now a power lifter setting world records I am please and proud to say he survived the crisis and came out the other end a happy well adjusted young man....
And I know this is the place that saved US,,, so Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Wishing, The crisis has a way of opening our eyes to the world around us, once we can detach from the drama. Opportunities are there just waiting to knock on your door. People seem to appear out of nowhere to assist you when you are down or need a hand. People, from all walks of life, are placed in our paths for a reason....we only need to open our hearts to better understand why they are there.
I'm very happy to read that your son is doing so well. It's all in how you worked with him and showed him how to have unconditional love for your xh.
I can only wish you and your son all of the best...you both are success stories.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
