So, now what?

[tnmom66]

Never marrieed, so technically not "divorcebusting", but still trying to keep a relationship together since we have a child.

He says he's tried, but he is keeping a wall up. Not willing to have any cmotional intimacy. Says he isn't physically attracted to me and he can't help the way he feels...he has no feelings for me and feelings come from the inside and there is nothing he nor I can do to make him have "feelings" for me.

He tells me to go find someone else, but when I do, he starts being unkind to me--I can either maintain the status quo or if I choose to date other men, it will cost me as far as our co-parenting relationship goes.

I have tried dating but have tremendous anxiety be3cause it seems like everyone expects to have sex before establishing a committed relationship--I really don't want to expose myself sexually to someone who does not intend to marry me. I sabotage my own efforts by writing a profile to scare people off and when it doesn't stop them, I beg my ex to try to work on our relationship and not force me into another man's bed.

It is really driving me crazy and I'm getting therapy on a weekly basis, but I am in utter turmoil.

I can't get over feeling that I should be with the father of my child. I think it is best for everyone. he thinks I should be respecting his feelings.

There is no other woman and no desire for another woman..He knows that he can't be a good husband because of his commitment phobia, but I'm not asking him to marry me or live with me or even have sex with me. I am just wanting a little quality time, a little affection.

There are so many things that are right, but I can't live without emotional intimacy any more than I can live without plenty of oxygen.

I keep trying to tell myself that if I date, I might find someone I connect with and everything will be okay, but it feels morally wrong.

I have done all I can do. I told him it is like he has built a brick wall between us and I am not asking him to knock it down, just to take a few bricks out and reach out and hold my hand every once in a while.

I asked him what he needed or wanted from me that he is not getting and he said, "Are you stupid? How old are you?" and I said, "I am obviously ignorant about your needs,so you should tell me what they ." And he said, "Nothing". He made a similar statement a couple of months ago when I thought we were going to work on the relationship together. I said, "I can't make you love me." and He said, "How do you know?" and when i asked him what I could do and he said, "You should know, at your age" or something like that.

My therapist is encouraging me to date, but it is so hard. For one thing, I have my own intimacy/commitment issues and my ex and I should be able to work things out....our first 3 months before I got pregnant were mutually satisfying. Why can't we recapture that?

I am so utterly miserable.

[kml]

our first 3 months before I got pregnant were mutually satisfying. Why can't we recapture that?

Oh, Lydia, Lydia - it was THREE MONTHS! And it was okay because it wasn't REAL LIFE. And when REAL LIFE intervened in the form of your unintended pregnancy, exBF SHOWED YOU WHO HE WAS.

You have to stop trying to make him into something he isn't. And you have to figure out why YOU are willing to settle for such pitiful crumbs. YOU DESERVE A REAL MAN WHO LOVES YOU. Holding on to this totally unobtainable guy is STUNTING your emotional development.

And, FWIW, you are never going to win a guy by telling him :Just throw me a little crumb and I'll be happy with that". Very unattractive. You need to read a book like Why Men Love Bitches.

And as for your moral qualms about sleeping with a guy before he marries you - it didn't stop you from being with ExBF, why are you so worried about it now? I suspect ALL of this is really your way to avoid a genuine relationship with someone - what are you so afraid of??

[25yearsmlc]

Never marrieed, so technically not "divorcebusting", but still trying to keep a relationship together since we have a child.


Then have a co parenting relationship. Just that. It's all he wants, at most. And it seems to me that he has been clear about this. You were "together" for 3 months and that ended awhile ago now...at least a year??

Accept that he rejects what you want, as we all have accepted rejection in the past. I don't know if you thought the child would permanently tie him to you, but it doesn't and it hasn't...



He says he's tried, but he is keeping a wall up. Not willing to have any cmotional intimacy. Says he isn't physically attracted to me


that sure sounds clear and resolute of him...I'm confused about why you don't accept that? Seriously

what is it that is unclear to you or confusing you? He sounds like he wants NO relationship with you other than whatever is required of two people who have a child together...not easy to face maybe, But not complex.

AND why would you want to be with someone who isn't atracted to you?

And why do you want someone with walls up, why do you want to have to "climb a wall", when so many men don't have any walls for you to try and leap over?? It's not supposed to be this hard and when it is, that's a sign.......


and he can't help the way he feels...he has no feelings for me and feelings come from the inside and there is nothing he nor I can do to make him have "feelings" for me.

HE IS RIGHT....PLEASE...PLEASE...BELIEVE THIS^^^^^^.....BELIEVE HIM, HE"S NOT LYING.... MOVE ON...you cannot change his feelings and he can't/won't.


He tells me to go find someone else, but when I do, he starts being unkind to me--I can either maintain the status quo or if I choose to date other men, it will cost me as far as our co-parenting relationship goes.

how does it "Cost you"?

So Don't tell him about OMs.... How would HE even know or find out?

You don't live together, so how does he learn of this? And what is his visitation?

Are you dangling the dates with OM around him to get him jealous? Are you thinking that his mean behavior towards you is somehow symbolic of how much he secretly cares? Don't confuse possessivenes w/love, And don't confuse the

feelings of an egomaniac who wants all women to want HIM and ONLY HIM, even women he does NOT want,

with something like love. It's not. That's like saying "but when I'm tossed out on the street and some other guy looks my way, he gets mad" SO IT MUST MEAN HE CARES FOR ME...no, it means he's a jerk

OR you are grossly misreading his reaction OR both...

To me you sound a lot like what battered women sound like.



I have tried dating but have tremendous anxiety be3cause it seems like everyone expects to have sex before establishing a committed relationship--I really don't want to expose myself sexually to someone who does not intend to marry me.

then avoid intercourse until you are at least in a monogamous relationship and THEN take it in steps from there.
My girlfriends tell me the guys they "feel something real" with, are mostly into that as well. In other words, if they meet a special guy who might be the one, both seem to want a monogamous r within a few weeks or months and then they get intimate and see where the R goes.

As the wife of a military man (and a veteran myself) i have seen many women re-enter the single life as widows or divorcees. Two of my sisters were deserted by their h's after long marriages. Both have remarried happily now, although one took MUCH longer to heal b/c she stubbornly held onto a man who did not want her and even after their divorce she sabotaged herself for a long long time.

You don't have to have every single thing or move planned out now, and don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Stay in the moment for now.... If you meet a nice guy, then talk and discuss and don't worry or project your fears onto him...

But fwiw. most men, and most women I know, won't marry someone without knowing they are sexually compatible first...however that gets discovered...I know I would not marry a man that I was not sure I could be physically satisfied with, and with whom I could share a healthy sex life. I'd want to know that we "got" each other as it relates to the bedroom. I didn't say that when I was 20, but I do now.
.


I sabotage my own efforts by writing a profile to scare people off and when it doesn't stop them, I beg my ex to try to work on our relationship and not force me into another man's bed.

I don't even know what to say to this^^^>...don't ever BEG a man for anything, and NO one has forced you into anyone's bed.

This is so wacky I don't know where to begin.

First, just stop being a victim b/c this is self inflicted so you are victimizing yourself. So stop it.

Date a normal guy by writing a normal profile about yourself.

I don't know if you hate men but think you NEED one or have some "dad abandonment issues" or whatever....but I have 5 brothers and 3 of them are really very good h's, 1 is decent and the other is mediocre but trying. None of them have cheated or hit or gone nuts...or been as insulting as the father of your child has.

NOR do ANY of them "only want sex" from a woman they have respect for. They get lonely and want friendship and intelligence and companionship in their lives too, like we do. And God if they can get it in their marriages, THEY ARE GRATEFUL...

My son is 25 and he's a good man. So is my h. Good men exist. If you have chosen poorly, then make different choices.

Do so for your chilld, whom I have heard precious little about.

How do you feel about your mothering? How about making your child THE priority, and

NOT your need for a man's approval? What's up with that?

It is really driving me crazy and I'm getting therapy on a weekly basis, but I am in utter turmoil.


Certainly keep seeing the T and consider medication for your obsessing and depression. There's NO shame in that, been there, done that.


I can't get over feeling that I should be with the father of my child. I think it is best for everyone. he thinks I should be respecting his feelings.

Yes you can get over the feeling/opinion/WANT of yours and besides,

No it is not "best for everyone" to have a r with a man that isn't going to be a marriage, b/c you "don't deserve it" and he doesn't want it with you so at best you'd be rooming together in a weird cruel relationship with a life time of you pursuing him and him rejecting you and THAT
You do not have a choice in this matter. HE has chosen Not to be with you. He really is being clear and honest.

I know it hurts but there are widows and divorcees all over the world who share this problem with you. You are NOT alone. But like them, You have to adapt to reality.

You are NOT "meant to be with" this man, or he would be treating you much better.

Perhaps you were simply meant to create a child together
and or,

to have & raise it in a way that is "mutually satisfying."

FWIW, since that was the time when your r with him was at its' best, that was the most luke warm description of a new r that I've ever read.

You deserved more then...and more now and more in the future. Stop selling yourself short.



There is no other woman and no desire for another woman


1) you don't KNOW that....I'm betting that if there were, he would not tell you b/c it sounds like something you would not handle well, AND

2) it is NOT relevant, b/c what matters is that he does Not want a r with YOU at this time.

3) IF there is ever to be a time when that could change, it would be by you NOT being available to him...read the books on this site about GAL= getting A Life and
doing the 180s (the opposite of what you did that annoyed him) b/c I see you doing what turns him off, repeatedly. We all make mistakes but as they say,

while "mistakes are not tragedies, please God, let us learn from them!"

So don't make the SAME ones again and again. Boring....


..He knows that he can't be a good husband because of his commitment phobia, but I'm not asking him to marry me or live with me or even have sex with me. I am just wanting a little quality time, a little affection.



But Evidently HE is NOT interested and or capable of giving you those things either...does that matter to you?


and btw, no offense but why would he be? I ask that b/c Who gives someone they are not interested in romantically, some "quality time or a little affection"?? No one...

He's just not that into you so of course he's not going to spend energy and time with you, let alone "quality time" and let alone "affection"...what?? That's an odd request you are making.

I'm confused. You also said you are not interested in sex with someone who won't marry you BUT....

but you are willing to have sex with him KNOWING he doesn't love you, or even want to be with you, and he INSULTS you for being stupid and not "Getting" that he's just not that into you"....??


Oh honey i wish you knew how that makes MEN Feel..like you are NOT worthy of them!

So then they are so NOT interested!! Men like to hunt, and I don't care if that sounds old fashioned.

Any woman who openly says in effect, "don't bother hunting for me b/c I am 100% available and you do not have to make any effort towards a normal or decent r w/me, just BE in the room with me"...um, THAT Woman will be left alone.

And you seem surprised that this sad approach doesn't work. Has it worked for you in the past for any length of time?


There are so many things that are right,

like what? Other than how he is as a father, which you have NOT even mentioned...what are the "so many things that are right" with this one sided r?


but I can't live without emotional intimacy any more than I can live without plenty of oxygen.

And you cannot live without water either. So don't go to a dry well for water. He's a dry well. He does not want intimacy with you. He may not be capable of it but he SAYS CLEARLY and ACTS LIKE he does not want it with you.

Why NOT accept and adapt to that? IT's what mature people have to do.


I keep trying to tell myself that if I date, I might find someone I connect with and everything will be okay, but it feels morally wrong.


Why MUST you be with a man NOW? I've been married 30 years now. Well over half my life. I love my h and he feels like a part of me even though, God knows, we've had our trials and tribulations.

He's getting deployed to the Middle East, unexpectedly. If he does not come home, I will grieve and mourn. I love him deeply and with great passion.

But I know I will not shrivel up and die without him....and it would be a long
time before I'd want to put the energy into a healthy loving r with another man...though someday I think I would...but I would have NO fear about the future...

b/c I Know I will love and laugh again. Do you fear that this won't happen for you? Why not?

I KNOW I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward b/c life is for the living.

And LIKE YOU, I have children to model LIVING WELL, for. They will face setbacks and grief too.

I would show them that my pain is real but not fatal and that it is deep but not eternal.

What are you showing your child by stubbornly hanging onto a r that was, at it's best, "mutually satisfying"?

You are not showing them healthy exciting love. And you are not having it and you want it. But you are willing to settle for SO MUCH LESS

that you will stop yourself from getting the real thing by wasting your time and energy on a man who "just isn't that into you."

As wacky as this sounds, you need to try and NOT take his rejection so personally. He has his issues and You have yours.

Work on yours so when you meet a healthy, kind man who is open hearted to you, you will actually be healthy enough to respond to that man.

And he'll be a good step father for your child, probaby end up being the "real dad" if my hunch is accurate.


I have done all I can do.

THEN LET HIM GO...it's not easy but it's NOT complicated.


I told him it is like he has built a brick wall between us and I am not asking him to knock it down, just to take a few bricks out and reach out and hold my hand every once in a while.


1) why on earth would THAT be enough for any woman?

and

2) we both know you want a lot more than that. And he knows it too.

I rarely say this but please, LET HIM GO....if and I mean IF there is a chance for this r to somehow morph into something healthy

then it's NOT by doing the same thing over and over again. It's by letting him go....give him something to miss. Go be with OMs OR NOT if you are not ready for that.

But you don't have to tell him what you are doing. Be a bit mysterious and DETACH from what he's doing/thinking/feeling/saying...

It's none of his business who you are with or what you are doing as long as the baby is fine. How old is the baby?

Have you read any of the divorce busting or divorce remedy books?
You need to read them no matter what THIS r does...b/c you need some r skills you lack now. Also I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" but not for HIM/ but for YOU and your future r's with healthy men.

And read "Co Dependent No More"....asap.



I asked him what he needed or wanted from me that he is not getting and he said, "Are you stupid? How old are you?" and I said, "I am obviously ignorant about your needs,so you should tell me what they ."


No he should not tell you, AGAIN, b/c he HAS ALREADY told you, more than once...and how much clearer can he be? Seriously. (He's also rude, but that's not my main point.)

Have you heard of the book "He's just Not that Into You"? It's VERY helpful answering these types of questions single women have.




And he said, "Nothing". He made a similar statement a couple of months ago when I thought we were going to work on the relationship together. I said, "I can't make you love me." and He said, "How do you know?" and when i asked him what I could do and he said, "You should know, at your age" or something like that.

IS this ^^^ confusing sentence the straw you are holding onto? Is this what makes you think that the other 50+ statements he has made, and his consistently UNinterested and UNcommitted behavior,

are all hogwash and that secretly he wishes you just intuitively guessed what he wanted AND
THAT would solve all this and then you two would again have that..."mutually satisfying r"?

(Sorry to harp on that phrase but it really hit me that your expectations of relationships are among the lowest I have read here.)

Don't be confused by his misstatement, assuming you heard it right. He said enough other clear things about NOT wanting a Relationship with you. He's about as clear as any man can be, to a woman who is offering herself to him.

Meaning, he knows he can have anything he wants with you - so on occcasion he may toss you a crumb like many men and women would...especially around their lonely times. BUT THIS GUY is being as clear as they come, and I kind of admire his forthrightness.

I once told a man I had "dated" (I always felt we were just "buddies" b/c he made me laugh, but apparently he felt more for me than I did for him, romantically speaking.)

The time came when I HAD to tell him I just didn't feel it, and I told him we would always be friends, I hoped.

Between us, I can tell YOU that i was sincerely NOT attracted to him, never had been, and knew i never would be. Sometimes you do know...but I said I wanted to be "friends" and he went on and on about wanting more. Like he was almost forcing me to be mean to him. As if it was something to negotiate.


Finally I said, "I don't think I'll ever want more than friendship" and he got angry at me and asked "how can you be so forthright about this?"

Frankly, I was so forthright b/c I KNEW I found him rather UNattractive, even after a few glasses of wine... (but he was funny as hell) and I had dated enough guys to know I could meet someone funny AND cute...so I wasn't going to settle.

He did not take it well. I still recall his anger and wonder why he pushed me so hard to SPELL IT OUT for him, when I was being VERY clear...I'm sorry but you remind me a little of him. BTW, after he finally woke up and got it, he wrote my sister a letter about how deeply I had hurt him....man we were SO not on the same page.!

Don't be offended by my next question but, were you raised in an abusive home? You say things that battered women say.

I have experience as a c for battered women so that's why I ask.

Your "Bf" or "ex bf" Or more aptly put, the "father of your child" mistreats you and yet you are posting here asking to save a relationship that sounds like it never was a good one to begin with...

b/c you had sex w/him, that resulted in the birth of a child. NOT b/c you once had a wonderful passionate loving relationship or a long lasting romance...

but a short lived fling that created a child. ANd that YOU describe as "mutually satisfying" which I believe I've made clear is NOT enough to build on for most people.

He wants more than that from a committed R and in reality, don't you?


Can you see why your other comments about intimacy and marriage, strike me as confusing?


My therapist is encouraging me to date, but it is so hard. For one thing, I have my own intimacy/commitment issues


These^^^ are great things to work with your therapist on! Are you?

If you are not making SOME progress after 6 sessions, according to modern therapy methods, you should find another therapist.

Of course I suppose that depends on how complex your issues are. But do you feel your t is helping you?

Are you changing any behaviors since seeing her?

and my ex and I should be able to work things out.


says who? What? Do you "hear" yourself? HE SAYS HE DOES NOT WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT...THERE IS NOTHING TO WORK OUT. Let him go. Move on.


...our first 3 months before I got pregnant were mutually satisfying. Why can't we recapture that?


BECAUSE--

1) "mutually satisfying" ain't enough (for anyone...almost )

AND B/C

2) HE DOES NOT WANT TO recapture that! \

(Hey, Maybe it wasn't so mutually satisfying but

even if it was..even if he was ONCE thrilled by the mere thought of you, he isn't now.) People change and yes, feelings change. That's one reason why there are so many divorces.

And with the history you two have, I doubt a healthy r is possible without signficant change on YOUR end.

Since all I know is that you are here posting, and your words indicate a lot of unmet needs and loneliness, and emotional troubles, all i can advise is therapy and looking into meds. I again say, "NO SHAME IN THAT"...

and there isn't any. But repeating the same unhealthy behaviors but expecting different results IS insane, and besides, as you say, you are utterly miserable.

You have to do something different and I think your changes need to be internal and external. INternal meaning, change the internal monologue or tape you hear in your head that makes you accept crap for a r,

and external b/c you have to change your life, period.

I sincerely hope you will take the advice here or some of it please....read the books suggested, and get out and get a life and see your t, and join a club or group and get help and learn to be happy. IT IS A CHOICE...not something that lands on us like a branch falling off a tree.

Also read about "cognitive behavior" therapy b/c a lot of your thought processes are so needy and clingy, which are huge turn offs to men AND they are negative.

Like you see things negatively...the fact that I know NOTHING of your child means to me that you don't value motherhood much...and that;s SAD and frustrating for me to read.

It's a blessing you are ignoring. Of course you are miserable...but YOU can change that and ONLY YOU CAN...

I am so utterly miserable.

I'm sorry you are so sad.

I hope you will change your life and help teach your child how to be happy.

It's nearly impossible for the child of a depressed parent, to feel happy. So get help for you and if not for you, then get yourself well for your child's sake.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[25yearsmlc]

sorry if the fonts and colors were confusing. Ever since they got rid of the "edit" function

a lot of posts have gotten on the boards and been confusing.

The last line "I am so miserable" was your line...not mine.

How old are you, btw? And how old is he, and the baby?

I hope you find peace and wellness, and the same for your child.

[tnmom66]

It just makes a huge difference to me because we have a child. If I got dumped without the child, I am sure I'd have moved on to someone else easily.

I have the books "Why Men Love Bitches" and "Why Men Marry Bitches" and have reread them recently, but I still am stuck.

My moral qualms were smothered by pain and despair and rejection after my ex-husband and the father of my 2 older kids remarried. I was acting very uncharacteristically for a few months. I am being true to my moral values at this point.

I am at this point afraid of bringing another man into my children's lives who might hurt them, like my older children's stepmother did. I am afraid of being rejected myself at some point. I was very much scarred by my divorce and I didn't have a chance to heal from it before I ended up entangled with this new man and child.

My experience has taught me that I love other people more than I am loved and that even if people claim to love you, and claim to want to be spend the rest of their lives with you, you can't be sure that they will hold up their end of the bargain. This new relationship was never one of love and promises.

[tnmom66]

I am getting therapy on a weekly basis.

He dumped me 3 1/2 years ago. I didn't see him and barely spoke with him for the last half of my pregnancy.

I feel that since we have a child, we have a moral obligation to do the best we can to give her stability and to me, the most stability we can give her is to commit to have a relationship that meets most of all of our needs. I am afraid that bringing another man into the picture to meet my needs may cause more problems and complications that it may solve, especially since he really doesn't want me bringing another man into our daughter's lives.

I think most men would not want a woman like me. 45, 3 kids still at home. Very busy being a mother.

I have never experienced a relationship that wasn't hard.

[tnmom66]

I am 45, he is 40, our child is 3. My older kids are 14 and 13 and my children are my first priority. I do the best I can with them and I am very sad that their fathers would not work with me, especially my ex-husband. I was a good wife for him and his second wife only put up with him 1/10 of the time I did. My older daughter feels that she has little or no chance of staying married because her father has divorced twice, both sets of her grandparents have been divorced.

[kml]

Lydia -

First, it is not good modelling for your kids to see you desperately clinging to a guy who doesn't love you. Stop it.

Second - no, your kids do not need to be involved in your dating. really, they shouldn't meet a guy you are dating until you've been seeing him at least 6 months to a year and are POSITIVE that it is going to be a long-term relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't date - just keep it out of the kids' world. Your exBF has no grounds to complain if you are dating but the kids never meet your dates. Whether you choose to have sex or not is your decision - there are guys out there who would respect your decision.

Third - it's because you are still not over your divorce, that you need to so desperately make this work. You can't admit to yourself that you made a mistake - and somehow, if you can get this guy to pretend to be in a relationship with you, then you can fool yourself into thinking things are okay. Face up to the facts - he's not in love with you, he's a reasonably ok co-parent (according to you) - ok. Quit trying to make it something it isn't, and go find a nice man to date who can give you some of the affection and affirmation you so desperately crave.

[25yearsmlc]

too many things to say. But not in any order, here goes...

KML"s words are wise. Listen to them.

Not to quibble Kml, but I have one reservation about the word "POSITIVE" the R will be permanent. When my h & I were separated and I dated, I asked my MC, a pro marriage guy, about what to tell the kids if I dated and started to really like a guy.

He said "tell them NOTHING until if and when you get 3/4 of the way to believing it might become a committed R or marriage, AND THEN,

you introduce the kids to him AND THE KIDS have veto power..."reasonable veto power."

I believe "reasonable veto" would be based on the kids disliking the man, not getting along with the man, for whatever reason AS LONG AS the reason had some validity, wasn't them being selfish, or them being bigoted, or jealous, OR b/c they still wanted you to reconcile with their biological dad...a man who is NOT available).

The point of this is that the kids do NOT meet ALL the men you date and "audition for them"...Nor are the kids acting as casting directors looking for the father figures auditioning to be their replacment dads. So there's no "dragging" these men into their lives only to reject the kids later on.

I saw this happen with a brother who felt his d's should meet the women in order for him to see how they'd interact. But he did it too often and too soon. All his d's dress provacatively and are hyper sexualized, which is what he "looked" for in woman til he wised up.

In your sitch The kids would NOT even know of these men til you've dated a good 6 months --AND-- they don't MEET them until you've already decided it COULD turn into a marriage,

and the reason you let them meet BEFORE you are "Positive" that it's getting to be official, is so that the kids CAN VETO HIM...


(KML, the MC said this b/c if you introduce the man AFTER you decided to marry them, then it's a "done deal", a" fait accompli" and the kids feel powerless in the decision as to whom they'll have as their step dad...
[i][i]
and it's MUCH harder to reverse or affect the decision after it's been made, than while it's being mad[/i]e. [/i] Makes sense to me.

So the kids would need to meet very few men in your dating life time, and if they reasonably veto him, he's DONE.


I had a woman client once tell me she was "dating a GREAT GUY, super romantic & with a good job...EXCEPT the kids don't like him...but he's also..." AND I CUT HER OFF AND SAID

"Excuse me client, how is he a "great guy" if your kids do not like him?

She said "well they just don't get along. He has a strong personality and is strict and they..." And I stopped her again.

"They JUST don't get along"? "Ma'am, Then he's NOT a great guy for THEM/YOU so, move on and let's just say, "NEXT!! And I meant it.

That's just begging for future trouble AND in her case, she wanted a meal ticket and come company and was rationalizing letting her kids down, but not in MY office...

Since you say the kids are your priority, and I believe you, then decide this stuff now.

I'll post more later.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

I am 45, he is 40, our child is 3. My older kids are 14 and 13 and my children are my first priority. I do the best I can with them and I am very sad that their fathers would not work with me,

what does that^^^ mean? Did you want more than they can give or more than they wanted to give?

especially my ex-husband. I was a good wife for him and his second wife only put up with him 1/10 of the time I did.

did you play ANY role in the demise of your marriage? And what about THIS R?

Do you see any cause and effect between your behaviors and his choices?

IF so, that's good news! It means you are NOT powerless.

you are the only person YOU control and if there is SOMETHING YOU CAN DO to change the dynamic, do it!

My older daughter feels that she has little or no chance of staying married because her father has divorced twice, both sets of her grandparents have been divorced.

that's a hell of a lot of divorce on both sides. Why? Any commonalities?