Does anyone know where I can find this man's threads? He said at the end of the article that he used to come here to vent when he was feeling really down.
His story and method of dealing with the WAW inspired me greatly (and when I implemented it, was successful) when my H and I began the process of getting back together in 2009. I really need that inspiration again. I'm implementing the concept he used again, and it IS being successful. I could sure use the extra inspiration his threads may offer though.
(BTW My sis in law told me that my H is talking up my praises to the family, as late as this past Sunday afternoon and he called me his "angel" last night.) So knowing my sitch, and how confused and torn my H is right now, I'd sure like to find those threads.
Thanks Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I've never been able to find them, Abbey, and unfortunately -- after years of posting here -- I've never personally seen that method work. It is a VERY rare bird, indeed, who can withstand that kind of emotional abuse and keep a smile on their face.
Not saying it's impossible; just saying I've never personally seen it work, nor does it strike me even as within the mainstream of the DB catechism.
It actually *did* work with my H in 2009. The relapse happened because he happened to impregnate the OW in early 2008. Being the type of predator that she is, is now using that baby to spend as much time with him, (and try to mess with the our marriage) as she can. She's lied to him about the paternity for 2 and a half years. (whilst btw, trying to use every back door to get it to him that it's his - he had initially issued a restraining order against her). My H is a mess, he's in love with the baby.
FWIW we started out as best friends 22 years ago. I don't know *what* or *where* this thing will lead. Or how I'll feel once the whole thing plays out. But I know what kind of sleaze I'm dealing with, with her, and the "being a friend" so far has got me from "I think I'm still in love with her", to "You're my best friend, an angel (which he called me again last night) to telling me he loves me". We had another little "talk" today, with him asking me if something she pulled last night made me angry. It didn't. I expected the games to start with her, so I told him: It's actually not as bad as I expected so far. I then just said, I told you, you need a friend right now, and I'm OK with you doing what you need to do.
He thanked me, told me what he hoped to accomplish by "playing" nice to her... and hugged me.
I do realize he's a mess so one minute, I'm sure he loves her, then he loves me, then he feels guilty etc etc etc. But the friend thing and another recent thread on the board talked about Road at home should be Paved and Smooth. It makes sense. I've done the "rest" of my initial 180 which he's EXTREMELY positive about. (had confirmation from a family member) I'll go rant and rave to my confidant but an instant right now: he just phoned, telling me he's on the way home and he's all proud because his daughter did some drawing for him. He ended the call with I love you.
I just made room for the drawings on fridge
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
ooops... darn thing won't let me edit: instant should read "instance".
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Just venting. Already the games have started. Stupid cow is leading him around by the nose. He was supposed to see his daughter today, and waited around and only got to see her for 5 minutes.
Of course on some level, in his mind, he'll rationalize it's my fault some how. If only I wasn't around, she would spend more time with him, and thus he would be able to see his daughter etc etc etc.
I'll see how his mood is when he comes home. I WISH he would buy me out so that I can detach completely from the sitch. The only way he's going to see her true colors is if I'm not around to conveniently "blame".
I ordered a copy of Not Just Friends yesterday. I read it when we split last time... time to really get my head wrapped around why he came to me to vent once I was out of the picture.
I said this in all my old 2008 posts. I need to have an affair with my H. That's what worked last time, I know that's exactly what will need to be done this time again. Smile, smooth paved road at home etc etc. "Just his Friend".
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Begin with a beginner's mind, Abbey. The folks who say they have never seen it work, mostly have never really applied the method...going through all the steps. They pick and choose or observe posts and think they are taking data. They mean well, they just dont know that observing posts isn't taking data.
Start all over. Pretend you have never done this before. You have data that tells you that you know what you need to do. Just do it. Take more data, adjust appropriately.
Btw--Michele and Virginia were great supporters of the late Shirley Glass. You will get excellent information from her book as well as DR. They will work together well.
I have been interested in this particular aspect of infidelity as it deals with my sitch all too well. Bond, I am intrigued that you say that you've seen the "friends" approach work many times. It seems that your advice toward LBS' in the Newcomers section points more towards creating distance and boundaries until the A "burns out." I'm very interested in hearing more about your theories. I'm dealing with my W's A now, and I'm hoping that I'm not bungling things up.
Abbey, this is my take: I guess the best plan is to observe and monitor results. If you're getting positive results -- which it most certainly seems that you are! -- then keep doing what you're doing. Couldn't hurt! However, if the WAS shows little respect for the LBS and seems to be using them in a case of cake-eating, then perhaps a tougher stance seems more appropriate.
Westcoast, yep, the problem that I've been through with this, is that mine will take time. There really is no manual for this sitch, nor a one size fits all. Sometimes it's a combo of distance, rope dropping AND a disproportionate amount of closeness, even when you'd rather throttle the WAS.
Because mine has a child with this parasite, I'm partially relying on what worked last time, and bobbing and weaving through those hurdles again.
He did a few really boneheaded things this weekend with "her". And yet, he was cuddly Sat night, we even had sex again Sunday morning. He wants his cake and eat it too. What I've found from last time is: give them the cake for a while,... then put the hammer down and pull back. In otherwords, when the other relationship hits the bricks,... there's something for them to miss.
The big caveat with this whole thing is that we as LBS, may infact drop the rope so much that when all is said and done, it's going to be US that walks away for good. It's a chance we take with the type of effort that we need to put into trying to fix things. (If we can.)
I know if I can give this thing 6 months, preferably with this house sold quickly... this thing will blow up a lot faster.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
