After several months and many discussions with folks on here, I find myself on the infidelity boards. Sad. I too fell victim to the "she would never do such a thing" state of mind until I discovered proof on her phone. I seethed for a day, the finally confronted her in our MC session on Friday.
Things went relatively well, and I didn't even have to pull out proof. I just told her I knew, and asked her to tell me about it. She was angry, felt a little bad, but did the whole "you weren't taking care of me so I went someplace else" argument. She's had a relationship with OM for over a year, and dropped the bomb on me in January telling me that the deterioration of our marriage was my fault. Now I find this.
We talked for a few hours when we got back from MC, and though emotions ran high on both sides, we kept it pretty well under control. After all that was said on both sides, however, the thing that finally sunk in for her was when I mentioned that she's hurting OM's family too. His wife and children are majorly affected by him being checked out. She was flabbergasted and had not really considered this.
Flash forward to this morning and during breakfast with our kids she tells me she wants to talk to later on. When we finally do, she gives me a sincere and heartfelt apology for hurting me. She's still sticking to her guns about divorce, because she thinks that I didn't care enough about her to see to her needs; more on that in a moment. She also told me that OM freaked out and cut it off, and that he told his wife. This I think is what really upset my wife the most, is that she lost a friend of 20 years because they had an affair. She was still thinking that this could continue and that everything would be the same after I found out about the affair. She finally has checked back into reality, and though it's a far sadder place than she was living, it has the potential for greatness.
So we are still only 1 day out from this, and still have an appointment with MC next week. I asked today if IC (with same guy who is phenomenal) would be something she'd be interested in, and she said perhaps. I think she's really starting to have a different perspective on things. That being said, her major issue with me remains the same. She feels that I don't take care of her, and I don't do that because I don't feel she's worth it. This feeling is borne of me becoming a SAHD and losing myself, and both of us not paying attention to how it was affecting our marriage. She also now recognizes that she never told me how she felt, she only gave me directions. She doesn't like to upset people she loves, and doesn't like to feel upset, so she holds it all in. Now that it's been identified, hopefully she'll be able to work on it and make some progress.
As for me, my issues are that I wasn't seeing how important certain things are to her. For example, the emotional letdown of me not taking care of things around the house while being a SAHD was huge to her, but I never thought that it was anything more than an annoyance. She also just told me today that she's upset that I haven't gotten her anything big as a present, and I didn't remind her (trying to be a better listener) that she's told me for years that she doesn't want to spend money on jewelry. Additionally, I thought I was a good listener but I see now that because she never talked about her feelings, I filled up the space with my own talking in circles and controlling behavior. She still feels that I don't really pay attention to her, and she may be right; I do have difficulty focusing sometimes.
So we are at the place where she feels hugely betrayed because she thinks I used her to live a life of leisure as a SAHD, and I feel hugely betrayed because she did in fact use me to be able to continue to have her affair while telling me that it was all my fault (she told me this today, and I stayed home with the kids while she was out screwing OM). Here's the rub for me: I have the insight enough into how she felt to understand how she may have slept with OM. I know she now realizes that, just because she/we were in a bad spot, there is no excuse for having an affair and lying to me about it. I can understand where she comes from. She, however, cannot "reconcile" (her words) my actions of seeming indifference to her and my telling her it was because I was ignorant of how she felt. She is still clinging dearly to the belief that it's been over for a long time, 5 or 6 years since I became a SAHD, and it's because I didn't care enough about her to see that she was upset over our relationship and was neglecting her.
Thankfully, we have MC sessions scheduled still, and she's still willing to go. I think for now I just need to back off, let her see that I am still hurt and upset by her affair, but not rub it in. In a few weeks, we can see where we stand and what capabilities we have toward a good relationship, whatever the legal status.
Thanks for reading my story, and I'm always happy to answer questions if clarification is needed. Any thoughts/insights/suggestions are welcomed.
Just popping in to give you some encouragement. If she's still willing to go to MC,... stress to the C that you want solution based exercises.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
