Need HOPE & Advice

[PERSEVERANCE]

I apologize if this is a bit rambling or if it's posted in the incorrect area- My head is spinning.I'm in the Guard/Reserves-currently deployed to Afghanistan. My wife of 17 years, whom I love & adore, has just announced that she wants a divorce. Our marriage was beautiful until the last few years. I supported her through postgrad school & business ventures. Finance issues & frequent seperations have caused a strain. I said things that I regret...thinking about it, I probably suffer from depression/anxiety issues. She felt unappreciated and I'm sure that I hurt her self-esteem. Unfortunaely-I took out my own frustrations on the ones that I love. I regret all of it.
I'll be home soon& have an appt ...maybe I need meds for anxiety/depression. I suggested couples counceling when I return, but she said that its too late (she had suggested it for 2 yrs- but I was in denial, and refused to go). I believe her when she tells me that there isn't another man. She said that she loves me- she has been crying,but can't return to the way we were. I just started to learn the 180 rules...it is so hard. I love and adore my wife and children. I want to save our family. I need help- Is it possible to save my marriage? I hope that I'm not too late. Thanks everyone

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi there-

Yes, it is possible to save your M, but it won't happen overnight.
It's good that you acknowledge what your role was in the demise of your marriage, but the question is, what are you going to do about it?

I know it's probably hard to work on your M while you are in afghanistan (Thank You for serving our country)
Does the depression/anxiety stem from dealing with your deployment?
Counseling is a good step, and I would encourage you to go regardless if your W does or not.

There are a lot of great people on this site that will be able to help you. Just jeep posting.

[Accuray]

Broken,

One thing to be aware of is that you are on moderation so your posts won't show up until the moderator approves them. This is temporary, but often throws newcomers for a loop.

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, although you do have 2 big positives, one is that there is no OM and the other is that your W still believes she loves you.

Please read Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy as soon as you can, they will help. Also, it may be useful to make it clear to your wife that you don't want your old relationship back either. Often our spouses think that staying with us is going back to how things were.

For most people, it's a bad idea to talk about the relationship at all at this point, but for you, it may be helpful to explain what you want going forward, what you've realized about yourself, and how you plan to change. Make it clear you're not looking for an agreement or a discussion from W at this point, tell her you will demonstrate any changes you make with action.

You can save your marriage, but it will be a lot of work, and you need to be prepared to do all of it, without expectations. You are in for a marathon, not a sprint, so set your frame of mind appropriately.

Welcome to the board!

Accuray

[25yearsmlc]

I apologize if this is a bit rambling or if it's posted in the incorrect area- My head is spinning.I'm in the Guard/Reserves-currently deployed to Afghanistan.

Thanks for your service. I'm a veteran (JAG Corps) b/c my h was active duty in the Med Corp). Now he's a reservist also getting deployed. NOT FUN...and a terrible time for her to tell you all this. Can she "wait" til you return to file papers? It's hard to get a divorce and you CAN stop it from happening while you are deployed, it's called the Sailor's & Soldier's Civl Relief Act. No judgements can be entered against you while activated. It may buy you time...

Then get home and see about real counseling or other ways to slow the train down some more. Use whatever excuse you can if need be.

Later, like when you get home,

you can DEMONSTRATE CHANGE in YOU b/c after all,

the only way she'll stay married to you is if

SHE believes that marriage to you can change/improve.

So you need to, for now, contrast the negative images she has, with positive ones. If she says you are late--you become Mr Punctual, if she says you are a downer, then all you talk about now are UPBEAT positive mental attitude things. NOT Easy but not complicated. These are called "180s."


Get the Divorce Remedy or Div Busting book(s) as soon as you can and read it. It forms the basis of this site's approach.


My wife of 17 years, whom I love & adore, has just announced that she wants a divorce. Our marriage was beautiful until the last few years. I supported her through postgrad school & business ventures. Finance issues & frequent seperations have caused a strain. I said things that I regret...thinking about it, I probably suffer from depression/anxiety issues. She felt unappreciated and I'm sure that I hurt her self-esteem. Unfortunaely-I took out my own frustrations on the ones that I love. I regret all of it.
I'll be home soon& have an appt

Is this "leave" you'll be on OR are you done with the deployment?
Either way, it's your chance to show her that you are working on you.

You are the one posting here and you are the only one you can control. REmember that.

...maybe I need meds for anxiety/depression. I

no shame in that! Get them, esp if they help you detach and not pursue.

The more you challenge her choices, the more she'll defend them and the more solidifed they'll become.

suggested couples counceling when I return, but she said that its too late (she had suggested it for 2 yrs- but I was in denial, and refused to go). I believe her when she tells me that there isn't another man. She said that she loves me- she has been crying,but can't return to the way we were.

Agree with this^^^!!. You also do not want the marriage you HAD b/c you want a new better one and you are already a new, better man to be part of a new better marriage.

See if there's any way she'll attend Retrovaille with you. IT"s a retreat for marriages in crisis. IT"s very very good. I say that from experience.



I just started to learn the 180 rules...it is so hard. I love and adore my wife and children. I want to save our family. I need help- Is it possible to save my marriage? I hope that I'm not too late. Thanks everyone

YES it IS possible to save the marriage....

How many children do you have? Ages? No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father. For many of us, it's a turn on...be the best dad you can be, now more than ever.

Make these changes b/c YOU want to become the best man you can become, a man only a fool would leave.

These are not "tactics" to get your wife back, but permanent changes you are making in order to become the man you were meant to be.


Tell us exactly what your wife SAYS the issues are.

Which ones of those are valid issues YOU want to work on?


We can go from there....

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thank you so much for your concern & clear concise advice. I should be home before the holidays, and my wife has agreed not move forward with anything until after the holiday season. I recognize now that I have been dealing with depression/anxiety for my entire life.... just the stresses of the last few years made it harder to keep hidden. My wife said that she hasn't felt validated or respected - also my mood swings scared her(Please believe me-I have never ,nor ever would threaten or harm my loved ones)...The mood swings made me unpredictable. I have always been a great Dad, spending time & lavishing my two children 14,12 with attention. Even while deployed, I speak with them nearly everyday, skype, email, send packages to them. The 180 will be my new "bible". I'm 43, in fantastic shape,good-looking,educated, fairly successful... I'm going to try my best to show my wife that i CAN move forward...grad school, yoga etc Hopefully she will see this...either way, I'll be a better person. I'm terrified also by the 180- by agreeing with her, I'm afraid the divorce will move swiftly, and she will move on. I love and adore her & the loss would be unbearable.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you so much for your concern & clear concise advice. I should be home before the holidays, and my wife has agreed not move forward with anything until after the holiday season.

this is good. Slow things down without making it obvious that you are trying to do that for "slow down'"sake...


I recognize now that I have been dealing with depression/anxiety for my entire life.... just the stresses of the last few years made it harder to keep hidden.

then by all means, GET SOME HELP soldier! Come on...you're no good to anyone running on half empty. Make sense? Ain't NO shame in it!! Would you wear glasses to help you aim better? Yes you would...others are counting on you and this time it's not your camrades in arms, but your family/loved ones...oh and PS--you deserve to be happy.



My wife said that she hasn't felt validated or respected

meaning what, specifically? you don't listen? you try to "fix and shut her up" or what? Explain...the more you know, the better armed you are.


- also my mood swings scared her(Please believe me-I have never ,nor ever would threaten or harm my loved ones)...The mood swings made me unpredictable.


Sometimes these are just code words for tantrums and bullying...beware of glossing over this. And seek out some help b/c honestly, there's no excuse for it. You know you don't do it at work, so you are letting yourself treat your loved ones the worst. Not cool, agreed?



I have always been a great Dad, spending time & lavishing my two children 14,12 with attention. Even while deployed, I speak with them nearly everyday, skype, email, send packages to them.

Sounds great, keep it up!


The 180 will be my new "bible". I'm 43, in fantastic shape,good-looking,educated, fairly successful... I'm going to try my best to show my wife that i CAN move forward...grad school, yoga etc Hopefully she will see this...either way, I'll be a better person.


absolutely true and GOOD THINKING!! and regardless of whether SHE sees it, she may not tell you or let you know that she notices...b/c she will not trust that the changes are real and permanent...only TIME and consistent change will earn her trust...


I'm terrified also by the 180- by agreeing with her, I'm afraid the divorce will move swiftly, and she will move on.

That's a lie you tell yourself to justify resisting and pursuing... What you resist, persists.

NO one said you have to agree WITH the divorce. All you are agreeing with is her decision to end the marriage you have allowed to deteriorate...THAT marriage - is gone and to that, you both say good riddance...

Now, for the new relationship you are building, (don't tell her it's the new marriage, so much as the new Relationship) you are taking it slow, trying to build rapport, creating bonding experiences that build, layer by layer...

and of course, being the great dad you are will help too.

I love and adore her & the loss would be unbearable.

You have not lost her yet. And you can bear more than you think. But be more patient...a lot more patient and for a lot longer than you expected.

This is a campaign of sorts, and they take TIME and ATTENTION so, get ready...it's a marathon, not a sprint.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thank you so much for the support. I've already made appts with behavioral health & a therapist for next month when I return home. My wife calls it "Jekyl & Hyde".... I would let stress build up and then explode (often over something small)...then go back to being pleasant again. She has been right all along...I am looking forward to getting meds/help. Today she contacted me to let me know that she spoke with a lawyer about the D. I told her that she is right, I'll sign whatever she wants, we can talk about the paperwork and finances upon my return & explain everything to the kids after NewYears. I told her that it is probably a good decision. I mentioned my appts, and that I believe that God gave me this burden to force me to make changes in my life. She cried & we ended the conversation. Shortly after, she sent an email saying "You sound much healthier emotionally and mentally and it makes me happier than you could ever know" She ended the email with Love... which is something I haven't seen in a while. I feel better...but still the loss & pain is crushing. I'm not sure what to make of the email? I'm still moving forward and will make improvements to my life... because it will eventually make me happier and anyone I am in contact with will benefit too. Thanks so much for your time and concern.

[PERSEVERANCE]

I keep re-reading the email from my wife..."You sound much healthier emotionally and mentally and it makes me happier than you could ever know" She ended the email with Love... which is something I haven't seen in a while.
What could it mean? Is she having 2nd thoughts / or is she happy because I'm agreeing with her & she thinks the divorce will be easier for her & the kids. Working on 180 n GAL & I won't ask her any R questions, giving her some space....but I would love to know what is in her heart. Any input from the DB veterans out there- Thx a ton! "When you're going through Hell, keep going" -Winston Churchill

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hi 25yearsmlc,
I've read many of your posts.... Your advice is clear & level-headed. Do you have an opinion regarding the email that my wife sent? It's all so new- I'm giving her space... I'll call the kids on Thanksgiving and maybe send a Thanksgiving e-card to all 3 of them. Does it seem to you that she is having 2nd thoughts. Either way, 180 & gal forever! Just wondering what your 2cents would be? I'll be home soon yahoo.

[BklynMom]

The email shows you are moving in the right direction. Keep doing what you are doing. Dont ask her about it, over analyze it (whatever) - Just keep doing what you are doing it is working. It may be slow but it is working.

She may believe that she is only happy because it will be easier for a D but there is no way she can see changes without some small 2nd thought just crossing her mind. Keep it up

Have you looked into Boarder Line Personality Disorder (BPD) - it may explain the Jeckal & Hyde thing. Great book on it called Walking on Eggshells, which it meant for the family of a BDP but maybe something you can idenitify with.