I'm not piecing anything yet so I'm not sure about a letter in this case, I know my cute alien isn't ready for a leter or she'd have a dozen. Will check back later to see to see what kind of response you get. I really admire your efforts, you're a strong person SB!
SB - I have problems with the letter as a whole. Too long, telling him too many things he's doing wrong.
I think your core issue here is similar to mine and my H's: he lied to "protect" me, but really to protect himself from my response and from his responsibility. You've been doing a great job of dealing with things - but your H will still have to make some progress on the honesty thing - it's hard at first. My H needed to realize that by not telling the truth at first, things festered to the point that they got worse - and still eventually would come out. So now he understands that, painful though it sometimes is, it's better to clear the air when things first come up.
Also, your H probably still has some ambivalence -my H, despite all the great things happening between us, is still feeling a slight pull to the romantic fantasy he had concocted. This will take time to fade.
As to the "parole officer" issue - I agree he cannot place the responsibility on you to keep him safe, but I do think it is a good thing when an ambivalent spouse tells you they don't want the temptation to sneak behind your back to be too available.
Catching up on your sitch at the moment, seems to be some major trust issues.
Just a question. Are you pushing this too far, too fast? I think the letter is putting a lot of pressure on him, he is acting out of fear , why?
I totally agree with the parole officer,mother thing, I was the "adult" in my R and I was bloody sick of it. It is not a good place to be , all the time anyway! I was then told I was controlling because I was prepared to take the resposibility!
It seems she can do OK now , why not when we were together.
Anyway this is your thread not mine.
Your H is lying to protect YOU from what? He is lying to protect himself, he does need to grow up and not make you the adult all the time here. JMHO.
By the way I have read the Eckart Tolle book, got a lot out of it!Thanks for the tip mate.
I thought about that letter a little bit, and mostly agree with Ellie. Just one thing I thought I would add to stir up some more thoughts.
On the e-mail thing. Would it hurt anything for H not to change those passwords, so that you would still know them, but you wouldnt look at them? Did that make sense? I think an open and honest relationship is the way to go. Meaning that he would always know that you have the opportunity to check if you ever wanted, but you would take the responsibility yourself not to look.
I am having a hard time putting this into words, lemme try to simplify it.
H wouldnt change passwords. In return: You wouldnt check h's e-mail (or anything else, blind trust)
That way, everything would be out in the open between you, but there wouldnt be pressure for him, or suspicions for you.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
been glancing over your thread the past couple of days...tried to get the gist of whats been going on by glancing over your older threads too.
I know it's tough a long crappy road.
some things you point out about h being contradictory...he says he wants you to be suspisious...there is a difference between being susspicious and accusatory..and currently you are being accusatory...(ie...let me see your email etc.) compiling evidence against him though you feel you are doing it to protect yourself...are you really??? seeking out and holding onto such "evidence" is not going to get you closer to h.
piecing is a difficult thing...hell just look at my threads..there are other ways of being susspisious without pressing to see e-mails and what not..simply calling him at random times or asking him to call you...keeping it light and easy.
I know there's a whole lot more that I could say that would be productive but my head just isn't there right now.
is it possible for you to just give h the benifit of the doubt...sit back and just enjoy the time you do spend together...and let it be his responsibility to stay away from ow.
As I was catching up on your posts, I started to formulate my response to what your H is doing right now but as I continued to read, I noticed that everyone already pointed out everything I wanted to say. This allowed me to go further in my thinking and maybe offer you something to mull over:
You say your H wants you to do all of this checking up on him and that you never did it in the past. Now maybe we can just assume he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions and wants you to be his mom but what happens if we don't use that assumption...
What is your H getting from you when you do this? What need of his are you fulfilling? Perhaps when you check up on him, it makes him feel that you love him and care about what he's doing? It's almost like that story you quoted from Relationship Rescue about how each person got something out of the destructive behaviour pattern. What are you getting out of this pattern? Perhaps fuel for your "fire" - the fire being your pain, anger and distrust at this point?
Maybe it would be better to dig into the deeper reasons underlying this pattern to find out the needs and then, once you've identified them (which is more than half of the battle) try to find some better ways of fulfilling them.
I think an open and honest relationship is the way to go. Meaning that he would always know that you have the opportunity to check if you ever wanted, but you would take the responsibility yourself not to look. 
