Here we go... again!

[Abbey]

My sig explains some of the sitch.

My husband began an affair with a manipulative gold digger in 07. Unfortunately, they conceived a child together. The child is now 2.5 years.

When we started the process of getting back together in Sept 08 when she was 8 weeks pregnant. He came to me and asked me to raise this child. I actually said I would. I meant it then, I mean it now.

After a few false starts we got back together on April 1st 09. OW told H that the kid wasn't his. NOW, she's back saying it his. I do think it is his. Paternity test is now done. The problem is he thinks he's in love with her. (Of course I think it's babymama syndrome) but he wants a relationship with her.

Whilst of course still wanting me. We have a biz together and he still wants to work together with me, even if we split and he's in a relationship with her. He's called me his best friend, his only friend. (Yeah, most people would KILL to have a marriage to their best friend, wouldn't they?)

Anyway, He and I have both admitted we're not "in love" with each other right now. We do love each other, but when we got back together, we didn't get a chance to do the work needed to make our marriage strong again. The trust issue wasn't there because I knew the day would come when the golddigger would pop back into his life and that there was unfinished business between them. And he's falling for her shenanigans like a house of cards.

She's had 5 kids with her husband, she's had multiple unproductive pregnancies, and unfortunately fertile Myrtle got knocked up with my H which she did carry to term. She's now of course, using the kid to manipulate him. (which of course he doesn't see because he wants to be with his child so much). She's also claiming poverty. They've been back into each others' lives for less than 2 months, and already she's pulling the sympathy crap on him about being broke, that her husband (who she still lives with, BTW)... doesn't contribute and that she's working 80 hours a week and will need to take another job to make ends meet. (Keeping her knees shut should have been an option.)

She see my H as her ticket to financial security. She's still got the pipe dream of living with my H and ALL her kids. H has said repeatedly that will never happen. At this point, I dunno. He's so under the spell of a child and her dangling the carrot... who knows.

All the while, when I left the first time, I was financially secure, now, I'm not as much. We had to make up for the mess he made of our financial sitch, (he bought a failing bar) that took us forever to get rid of. He's MLC, in-amoured of his child, and is seeing the babymama with rose colored glasses.

What I have done: I have given him a "hall pass". I know from previous experience with he and her, that he's going to follow her around like a puppy dog, lead by the nose until she either destroys him or he wises up. I can't fight it, so I've basically just "became" his friend again. It's hard to have to go back to GAL, Faking it til you make it, and basically acting as if, EVERYTHING he's doing is ok with me. I know I have to let go. Right now, the whole thing just feels like emotional abuse. My heart aches and if I had the money, I'd be out the door so fast my underwear would have to catch the next bus.

I have to "let" him get burned big time by her. What I've found out about her over the years is that she's a first class bed jumper, and while my H isn't sure it's his kid, he's confused, and anxious and drawn into her web again. She's a first class manipulate AND a nut job. But,... I'll give her this much, she's good at duping people.

I go from wanting to DB to wanting to run for the hills. The moments I do want to DB again, I'm thankful that the house will take a while to sell, and it will give me time to DB. We still hug, kiss, he tells me he loves me when he leaves or we are on the phone etc. He wants his cake and eat it too. On the other hand, I know if I had my own place,... I could get out of the way, and I know that will be her "opportunity" to screw herself royally again. Which she will. She WILL revert back to her old ways once she figures I'm out of the picture.

Some background on her: She's verbally abusive to my H. She's mentally abusive, lies like crazy, she told my H she terminated the pregnancy to get her way. When he refused to let her move into MY house, she broke in and refused to leave. H called the cops on her, and she started screaming that he was hitting her. She's a FRUIT CAKE! Of course right now, he's candy coating all that stuff ... saying it was her pregnancy and hormones etc.

What I know is that they're already fighting. I know he's already lying to her.

Do I DB this, or just go numb, smile til it hurts and pray for a quick sale?

Abbey

[kml]

Wow - how long will it take for the paternity test to come back?

Can you imagine your H living with her and her five kids? AND dealing with her H (who probably isn't going to be that happy about it all either?).

[kml]

As for the other stuff - why is he still living in your home? Boot him out if he's seeing her. He can go crash on some friend's couch or she can boot her husband and he can live there. Really, he needs some reality to smack him in the face, as long as you make nice with him, you're enabling him.

As for the financial side - I hope you've gotten some good legal/financial advice before you sell the home? Have you filed? I wouldn't sell the home until you have some kind of legal agreement. For example - let's say a divorce settlement includes him owing you, say, $20,000. If you haven't sold the house yet, it can come out of the proceeds of the house sale. But if you've already sold the house and split the proceeds, and he's spent all his proceeds already - good luck getting that $20 k out of him! No valuable asset should be sold unless you have some legal agreement about who gets the money from it.

And is selling the house what is best for you? Could you afford to stay in the house if you had a room mate? Do you want to stay in the house? Will you be able to buy another house?

I agreed to sell our house early on because my ex was so anxious to buy the property he was renting. I knew I couldn't afford to buy him out of the house, so I agreed.

But what I didn't realize was, I couldn't qualify for a loan on a new house until my divorce was final, because I needed to have my alimony counted in my income. And my divorce negotiations dragged on for another year and a half. Luckily, the housing market in our area didn't go up too much in that time - but it did go up, I did lose some money.

So don't sell your house yet unless you KNOW you can buy another one on your own, or you don't have any plans to buy again.

As for the marriage - I first came here when my H had his second affair (first was in the first year of our marriage, second was after 23 years of marriage). We reconciled through DBing, had several good years, then he went downhill again and wanted to separate. I realized at that point that, EVEN IF he came back later wanting to reconcile again, that there was NOTHING he would be able to do that would make me trust him again. I'd been able to forgive and feel safe twice - but I knew I would never feel safe with him again now, and I didn't want to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

At that point I knew I was DONE. And FWIW, I have had the sweetest sexiest handsomest men in my life since my divorce There IS life after their craziness, and it can be sweet.

[kml]

(Correction - his second affair was after 16 years of marriage, he left after 23 years)

[Abbey]

kml, unfortunately, the house we live in, is too big and expensive to buy each other out, or to upkeep on it's own. Believe me, if I had a choice, I'd be gone.

I really have no choice at this point but to "play nice". Qualifying for a mortgage at this point is my goal. That is going to take six months. The matrimonial laws are pretty clear in the state where I am. Legally, no matter what I'll be able to nab him, because of what kind of money he can make.

And you're right, in my heart, I know I'm done. I've had enough of the lies, the bs. She can have him. After what went on with them during their history, a big dose of reality is going to slam him in the face, HARD.

BTW, the test came back positive yesterday afternoon. Last night, he held my hand most of the night. He was clingy. Frankly, up to this point, I think he was trying to make deals with god, that if it wasn't his, he could be a better man and finally shut the door on her. Foolish pipe dream on his part, the fact that he didn't emotionally realize it was his LONG before this point (considering the history between them)shows how devoid of reality he is at this point. He wants his cake, and to eat it too.

She's already emotionally abusing him and verbally abusing him at this point. But he'll put up with it, because he's "in luuuvvv". *gag*

[Abbey]

And yeah, the trust factor... I realized after reconciling that the trust simply wasn't there. Hard to work on the marriage when he didn't do his side of the work. The trust isn't about other women, it's simply about "her".

She's a narcissistic psycho. Who will NOT be able to live on her own, and certainly won't leave her husband unless my H takes on her and her brats. Good luck with that. That'll last about 15 minutes. When she realizes her little fantasy world of playing house and he realizes his little fantasy world of everyone playing "nice" crumbles to pieces... I will be LONG gone.

Stupid thing is, we actually still care about one another on some perverse level, and I suspect that the longer it takes to sell this house, the more reality will set in for him anyway. He doesn't want me to go "too far". This was the same thing from last time. Doesn't know what he wants and so wants the world to stand still and behave until his brain figures it out.

We actually have a business together too. All tied to each other unfortunately. The next six months is going to take all my strength and brains to get

I have to get REAL busy. REAL BUSY making a crap load of money.

[Abbey]

Ooops... all my strength and brains to get through the next six months.

[cat03]

What I have done: I have given him a "hall pass". I know from previous experience with he and her, that he's going to follow her around like a puppy dog, lead by the nose until she either destroys him or he wises up. I can't fight it, so I've basically just "became" his friend again. It's hard to have to go back to GAL, Faking it til you make it, and basically acting as if, EVERYTHING he's doing is ok with me. I know I have to let go. Right now, the whole thing just feels like emotional abuse. My heart aches and if I had the money, I'd be out the door so fast my underwear would have to catch the next bus.


I go from wanting to DB to wanting to run for the hills. The moments I do want to DB again, I'm thankful that the house will take a while to sell, and it will give me time to DB. We still hug, kiss, he tells me he loves me when he leaves or we are on the phone etc. He wants his cake and eat it too. On the other hand, I know if I had my own place,... I could get out of the way, and I know that will be her "opportunity" to screw herself royally again. Which she will. She WILL revert back to her old ways once she figures I'm out of the picture.

Hon, please keep in mind I have been in your same shoes (then-H hooked up with a manipulative coniving horrible money-sucker woman who brain washed him, him unable to leave her and for a time having his cake and eating it too)
The disrespect has got to stop, he has no regard for your feelings, so enthralled is he with ow that he is unable to make a clean break and be the h you deserve. She will do this and that and he won't care, not until he moves in with her and the magic of the forbidden love dissapears that he will see her for who she is. Once my ex moved out, I told him to leave if he could not break it with her, she drove him nuts, he even ended up asking MY advice about how to rid of her, it was ugly. The thing is, he wont' come to his senses now, and you don't need a man like that. I know you want him in your life, Lord knows I wanted my ex even after he left me and we started separation papers and he lived with crazy woman. But I'm telling you now, you are just hurting yourself allowing this mess to go on.

Don't let this blind man hurt you and treat you like this, you deserve a better life, he has no spine now. Do what you can to put distance between you two, if he truly wants to be with you he will ditch her, be truly sorry and work his tail off to get you back, he has to want to do it, othewise it is totally useless. I DBed for so long, given ex so many "hall passes" as he was unable to break with gf, all I got was misery, hurt and betrayal.
Do yourself a favor and let him go, do the LRT and if it fails you have a new life ahead of you which will be wonderful and free from his misery.

[Abbey]

Cat, the LRT is exactly where I'm at. Actually, ambivalence is more like it. Need to really work my tail off, get the money I require to qualify for the house I want to purchase, get this shack sold. Working is my new love now. I will throw myself into my work and just move in the direction that I need to be happy. To be honest, I'm looking forward to the peace of being alone again. No more craziness. (I'm even going to suggest that they SHOULD live together. They need to make a go and make it work. *grin*)

He won't do anything until she puts him between a rock and a hard place. I knew this the minute it became evident they were in contact. She has to burn him, he has to get her out of his system. If/when that happens, who can say.

As for the lack of spine and respect, yeah I'm aware of what all it means. I'm working hard at hardening my heart. That's taking time. A lot less time than I expected, if I'm being honest, but it's still hard to let go. I'm already trying to figure out a way where he can buy me out. We'll see. I can be gone in 4 weeks if he offers it.