So I went to see a lawyer today to see about child support. H is only giving me money for 1/2 of daycare and since I have the kids 6 days a week he should be helping me with more. I thought I could just file for child support but I guess it doesn't work like that. The lawyer was really great and made me feel better.
I feel really stupid though because I don't want to file for D. I just can't keep going on with things the way they are now. I don't know I feel really conflicted. I am not sure I did the right thing.
I think that when you come from a place of doing what is best for the children, you can't go wrong. If you are struggling financially, then your children are struggling as well and your H needs to step up. If he won't do it willingly, then it is your obligation to take action.
So stop beating yourself up for this. Maybe it is the wake-up call your H needs to get his rear end in gear.
Hang in there!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Oh and he is going away Dec 28- Jan 4. I didn't ask where but I am sure it is to see OW. If he has money for all these trips than he should have money to give his children. He is going to lose it when he realizes he has to split the debts we have. He thought he could just "give" me the house and since the credit cards are in my name he could walk away from all of that. Suprise Suprise He has to pay 1/2....
So I went to see a lawyer today to see about child support. H is only giving me money for 1/2 of daycare and half of the food? And half the utilities? And half the mortgage? And the car payment for a car that's probably a tad bigger, & "gassier" than you would have if you were single, and what else? JUST HALF The daycare? Do you earn the same salaries?
Wow, that's just delusional of him...AND I don't know what state you are in, but SOME states do allow you to get a court ordered support payment without a divorce filing...it's "interim support" or "separation" and some states allow for it.
What about alimony? I don't know how long you've been m but in many states, at 10 years the "long term marriage" is implied/crossed. BTW, while Nicole Kidman planned her 10th anniversary party for her husband Tom Cruise, he went to see a L and filed a month before the anniversary. I don't hate the guy but that pattern of behavior and planning, ALL WITHOUT her knowing, are troubling. I like to think he's a different man now.... ..
and since I have the kids 6 days a week he should be helping me with more. I thought I could just file for child support but I guess it doesn't work like that. The lawyer was really great and made me feel better.
this ^^^ is a big deal, and a good one. If they seem competent AND make you feel better, savor that. Interview a few but remember how this one made you feel. It matters...so does "winning", whatever that means, but mainly just feeling comfortable enough to pick up the phone and ask questions is a big deal. Not as common as one would hope.
I feel really stupid though because I don't want to file for D. I just can't keep going on with things the way they are now. I don't know I feel really conflicted. I am not sure I did the right thing. You did the ONLY thing you could do, IF you were telling the truth earlier:
You SAID your children were suffering financially in a way that threatens their life style (not saying "No Ipods this Christmas" but)
more like "NO text books", or "no new clothes for high school", or " no contributions to the college fund this year" (WHAT college fund?) or "gee I wish we could pay the mortgage AND the electric bill, but I can't..."
IF that's the type of loss you were facing, the types of choices,
then your hand was forced. It's NOT complicated.
It's simple. If your analysis was accurate, then you did what you had to do. Period. Stay on message. Are you really just worrying that YOU have now irritated him and he wont' return to YOU?
Is the financial security of your children, worth taking that risk? I sure hope you said "yes".
Don't let him or your guilt or your enabling or co-dependence or whatever....derail you.
Stay on course and Stay on message.
NO GUILT FOR THIS...maybe your other issues or flaws or contributions to the marital issues-feel bad about THOSE...but not for doing what you had to do to save yourself and the kids.
If that's the truth, then so be it. You have paid the price.
Must your children pay the price for your fears of rocking the boat? I say no.
Here's what I mean, by way of example.
I knew an older woman who raised her 4-5 kids on her own, in squalor. Their trailer had little insulation and they often ate rice and or beans for a meal b/c that is all they afford.
The kids were in a lousy area of town and crappy schools were there, as were gangs. Only 2-3 finished high school, 1 of whom began college but didn't finish. He enlisted in the Air Force. He is her shining light.
The others today are unemployed, addicted to drugs, alcoholics, or married to men like that,
I had attributed it to the area and style they grew up with until one day
the mother said to me, "I raised those kids ALL on my own", to which I said,
"why didn't their biological father help out?" And she said, with great pride and zero insight...
"B/C I did it all on my own and I didn't take one penny from him-didn't NEED it, and he never got to see the kids!"
She never thought twice that her pride was the priority instead of her children.
AND she failed to see that the money SHE turned down was NOT HERS to turn down; it was the children's money they were entitled to from their father as the "natural objects of his bounty"
(that's the legal theory underlying child support. It's not about the mom's needs, but the kids.)
She preferred having her kids "survive" a life in squalor and filth and at great risk to themselves, and with suffering,
than getting a decent safe place to live BUT having to put her false pride aside and beinggrateful, or, God forbid, admit she needed help.
Hope this makes the point...It's not really YOUR money to turn down. It's what THEY are entitled to and you have to advocate for them. He's not!
H is going to lose his mind...
if he has a brain tumor then you ought to consider helping him out, "in sickness and in health" and all that...but
if he's just being himself at his worst, or changing into someone even worse, then you have to play the cards you were dealt, as best you can.
I think that's what you did. Keep working on YOUR ISSUES for YOUR SAKE and the sake of the next man in your life, way down the road. Maybe it'll be your h...
How are YOUR GAL activities going? And the 180s?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 I was waiting for you and hoping you would respond!
Our circumstances aren't that dire I am managing to pay the bills but am running out of money toward the end of the 2 weeks. My mom is giving me money if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be able to make everything. We can still have Christmas and the kids haven't noticed anything different. I am ok. I just can't expect my mother to make up the difference that my children's father should be. He left me with all the bills credit cards, mortgage everything. He just walked out to start his life over.
We do earn about the same amount and to be honest I have no idea why he thinks I should have to pay for everything. He does pay for 1/2 of their stuff, karate basketball and 1/2 of their medical bills. But clothes food shelter all me. She did say I should ask for alimony when I said I didn't she said you don't play all your cards at once that we could use it as a bargaining chip. We were married 10 years in Oct. I don't want to take his money for me, I don't want him to be broke but I don't think I should be either.
We are in Florida. Not sure she did say there was something I could file can't remember what but basically why would I do that sort of thing.
yes I do think I am afraid that I will make him mad and he will never come back. I know that is stupid. Logically I do know that. I think that is why I haven't said anything about money before and I am sort of embarrassed how in debt with cc I am or we are. We lived paycheck to paycheck and sometimes on cc. I did the bills and I feel like I did a crap job, when I did the best I could with what money I had. Sometimes I think I should just file bankruptcy and start over but that is a whole other problem.
I am doing ok with GAL, mostly with the kids cause I have the all the time. I am ok with myself I am liking who I am now and I know I am a good person. I know what I did wrong and I know what not to do when I have another relationship. I just never thought I would be here, but who does. Seeing a divorce is a Huge 180. So was not losing it when he told me about his next vaca. I haven't been calling or texting him and not really even talking to him much when he is around.
I think it will really hurt my feelings if he is thrilled I filed not about the money part but the D part. I would love to see some emotion about this M ending. We have been together for 12 years and he is so ready to just walk away. I am just feeling very conflicted today.
paige40 you have to think of the welfare of your children and not about H reaction. I'm sorry that he has put you in this position but believe me when I say you are the mature one here.
Keep your head up and moving forward for your children's sake.
M 38 W 50 S 9, D 6 T 12 M 10 W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront W's 2nd EA 6/2010 Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010 MC 2/2011 - 3/2011 W bomb dropped 4/2011 Nothing filed or done
Your going to make him mad regardless, and you have to not worry about that. This is the reality of D. He can't expect to walk away from his family and not share any of the responsibility.
Don't feel guilty. You are not doing this out of spite, you are doing what is best for your kids. That is what a good, responsible parent does.
I'm here for ya girl.....
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
after I read your whole post I still don't get it. Your fear of "Losing him"
(as if you still have him), seems to be bothering you more than his dumping the kids and most of their bills on you... Besides, if you two divorce, it will not happen b/c you filed, but b/c it was going to happen anyhow.
and Remember, it's Not your money to give away; it's theirs. Don't take it from your mom.
As for alimony, you'd be surprised how much you may need it. You can always return it if you want, but your L is right, get leverage.
And stop feeling guilty if the only way to get the FULL benefits to which YOUR CHILDREN are entitled, was to file.
Was there another way or not?
Let's say for the sake of argument that there wasn't...then no more guilt and no more second guessing or it'll mean your "need" for him outweighs the kids' real needs. NOT Fair to them.
And if there was another way to get the money without filing for div
then tell the L to do THAT and retract the div petition....
there, no more conflict.
I'm saying, put the kids FIRST and you should have no regrets...no healthy ones anyhow...
there...no more confli
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess I have to let go of the dream of the whole family picture. I think that is the problem I am having. I wanted my kids to grow up with both parents. I know I am not the one that walked out. I guess I was hoping that if I gave him enough time and space he would come back. don't we all....
I know I don't have him anymore so how can I be afraid of losing him more. He is gone. deep down I was hoping he would change his mind I think that is why I am so upset today. I have lost that last bit of hope. I don't really know why i even want him back he isn't even the person I married anymore. I need to remember that he is showing me the person he is now and the kids and I deserve better than him. I don't have a M now it is just in name only. so I need to buck up and get on with it. Hard work being a grownup.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Thanks for all the replies it really means alot to me. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't of found this website. I never feel like I give very good advice but I sure get a lot.
Check out a book called The Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn, and go to www.daveramsey.com and listen to archives of the Friday radio shows. You'll hear people who have paid off huge credit card debts, and the books will give you creative ideas about how to save money while still providing for your kids.
And don't feel like you have to be "nice" to H in the divorce or he won't come back. Trust me, being a doormat never won anybody back. He left, let him feel the pinch NOW, you are. No way should you be taking money from your mom for responsibilities HE should be paying.
