This place is so comforting, thank you everyone for your responses!
I've actually already left my husband. Leaving him was the hardest day of my life, and it wasn't easy. He kept me up all night, telling me he wouldn't let me leave, and when I told him I'd call the police, he just started bawling and then he went to work. He is very unstable. I'm just taking the boys to see him for Thanksgiving. We are over 1000 miles apart.
I come from a very christian community. My church here is very supportive, and I have a counselor here who tells me my marriage is DONE short of a total transformation that only God can work in H.
Then I have a christian friend "there" who tells me to just try harder to respect and submit to him. So it gets tricky.
QS, my H is definitely guilty of a lot of those. A lot. I know, when I read those lists, it is kind of like a slap in the face, like...do I not see this for what it is? I'm beginning to, I think. It just takes strength (not to brag, I guess) that sometimes I don't have to say "no. enough is enough." His spiritual abuse is probably the worst of all, given that the only times he talks about God is when he is telling me I need to submit more or that God will never bless me in another marriage! I don't know where the second came from but he said it to me in one of his tirades.
I'm stressed about going to see him, but I foolishly said I would, and if I reneged, it would just completely enrage him and I'm afraid he'd try to force me and the kids back to where he is with an emergency custody order or whatever they're called. I've talked to a lawyer friend there. SO. I'm taking steps to protect myself while I'm there, and we won't be staying together. So hopefully it goes well.
I'm so glad this is here, and that everyone in this thread is so supportive! It helps me to not go obsess over his phone records and wish wish wish he would just change and be what I need him to be. Well, not need, anymore, right?
KM, I'm glad to hear that you have distanced yourself from that abusive environment. It's a huge step. Yay!
The feelings you have are normal. My w could be emotionally abusive and there were times when I would go from being completely sure that it was abuse to the other side of thinking "maybe abuse is too strong of a word".
I'd go from thinking "why do I even want this woman" to desperately wanting her to change.
Overtime.. these thoughts will subside. Overtime you will change. You will get stronger and you will fear less.
This will not come w/o tears or w/o work.. The road will be long and hard, but you will be a better person because you chose it. Because you chose a better life for you and your children.
Have you hear the serenity prayer. I found and continue to find it very helpful. Especially the 1st part.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
Hang in the KM (((())))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
OK so I am here in H's state with kids for Thanksgiving. I was feeling really strong and confident in the changes I need to see from him and was just going to try to be strong in it. We had schedule a marriage intensive counseling week in January but 3 weeks ago he told me he didn't want to go anymore and would be filing for divorce.
So we just saw each other for the first time since all that went down. It was a terrible, painful, awkward lunch. No relationship talk at all. Then I leave and get a call 15 minutes later that on Wednesday he'd like to meet with me and the chaplain and talk about things. I asked to what end, and the chaplain asked to speak to me.
I'm very nervous about such a meeting! I will come across like "him him him him him!" and I don't want to do that. I don't even know this man, but H does. How should I approach it? Should I even go?????
A chaplain is a minister or priest (or rabbi or Iman) in the military. They serve and comfort and guide the soldiers and familes.
They bear no arms, but they go into combat with our troops to strengthen, inspire, or to comfort the injured and dying, including giving last rites on the battlefield.
I never met one I didn't like. And yes, I'm a veteran. H is too, and btw, he's getting deployed in the spring. That's a shock to us. Thought the war was over...
sorry for the hijack
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That day I DID try to say my piece and walk away. I went and took a shower. He followed me into the shower (the door has no lock) and opened the curtain while I asked him to leave. He refused and stood there with the curtain open. My sister and her friends were in the room outside the bathroom. I was mortified.
I do fear my own role in everything. But various sources say that's not healthy for me to do. I don't really know what's true. But I am afraid of him. I'm going to visit for Thanksgiving with the kids. I asked him to get the guns out of the house and that makes him angry. He said something like..."you're starting to make me believe I would be capable of killing you."
This is BAD NEWS....it's wildly inappropriate AND scary... Call the MPs if you are frightened again but for the record I'd report THAT comment above....it's controlling, mean and frankly it's a nutty thing to say.
If you are in the mlitary, as I suspect (or maybe you are European?) why not see a JAG Corp officer, the lawyer (and yes they are real lawyers, who are also in the military). As his wife you are entitled to free legal counsel for advice.
Now I feel like I shouldn't have asked him to remove the guns! I'm not even sure he'll be taking them out! But I'm afraid to not go visit because he'll get angry and I don't want him to be angry. Your fears are controlling you. Try to realize that when you operate in fear, you are not operating in Faith...and this man is an angry man no matter what you do. Period. He's an angry person.
do you want to spend the rest of your life afraid and walking on egg shells? What are your children learning?
So tangled and difficult.
well, the good news is that even though this IS difficult, it's NOT complicated.
Your minister in your hometown has it going on. Pay no attention to people who wish you well but project their own beliefs, or insecurities about what THEY have in THEIR marriages, onto you and yours.
The whole "Submit to your h" statement sure leaves out the part about loving your w as Christ loved the Church, putting HER above HIM (you know, like dying on the cross and all)... Interesting that your h knows THAT quote but lives none of the bible. The hypocrisy is tiresome and galling.
Your h sounds like he needs medication and intense psychiatric help. That is NOT your job.
if he were simply sick we'd say "in sickness and in healthy" but to risk your life and or your liberty (locked in a room? seriously? That's just nuts)
or to put your son at risk b/c at BEST, your son is learning horrible things from your h.
Your son TRIED to hide in his game but he's learning to detach from his feelings until maybe HE explodes to... are there ANY problem solving approaches going on or just conflict-escalation and then retreat?
Not healthy...get out of it....save yourself and your son.
If there's anything YOU CAN DO that can get your h to change, it is not what you've done, which is putting up with it.
and you simply cannot afford to tolerate this type of insanity. At some level you become a participant in it.
Just 2nd guessing yourself about the guns is crazy. IDEALLY you'd ask a friend to remove the weapons from the home b/c a violent man is there
OR IDEALLY he would do anything he could to make you feel safe.
Hey, I did criminal defense work. And I did it in the military.
I know men who killed their wives and kids. Sometimes then they killed themselves, sometimes not. Nearly ALL of them had made threats like your h has, before doing it.
So yeah, I'm concerned for your safety. That has to come first.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was going to ask if your husband is military, but 25 made most of my points.
All I have to add is this:
the chaplain is there for you as much as he is for the troops, most are very pro marriage, but even more anti spousal abuse. You can ask to meet with him alone if you want. Most have vows of confidentiality and will keep most things to themselves if you ask them too.
IMO, your h sounds as if he needs help. Did you say he was already back from a deployment?
Has he ever been seen for post traumatic stress?
The military is truly trying hard to address the multi dimensional aspects of it, including YOU and your son.
Get some help for YOU - and maybe your h will for him.
You only control you and you must watch out for your son.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
IMO, your h sounds as if he needs help. Did you say he was already back from a deployment?
Has he ever been seen for post traumatic stress?
The military is truly trying hard to address the multi dimensional aspects of it, including YOU and your son.
Get some help for YOU - and maybe your h will for him.
You only control you and you must watch out for your son.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well the meeting with the chaplain was pretty much unfruitful. He suggested that H possibly needs PTSD treatment as well. But he won't seek it.
Visiting him at Thanksgiving only made my emotions worse. I didn't stay with him, but our boys did. I hated the untogetherness of being physically together. At the same time, I saw so many of the reasons I have to be separated from him right now. It's so painful. Wish it wasn't this way.
No relationship talk at all. Then I leave and get a call 15 minutes later that on Wednesday he'd like to meet with me and the chaplain and talk about things. I asked to what end, and the chaplain asked to speak to me.