Carefully moving forward from H's mlc - ctflor

[Ctflor]

This is my last thread in case anyone is interested
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2189980#Post2189980

I wanted to start a new thread to update in since things have changed so much.

Update:

It appears we are officially moving forward and piecing our marriage together. H and I had an interesting talk about MLC that I wanted to share with the forum. We were talking the other night and he said the following:

"I felt so depressed, I felt as if all of our problems were so far gone that I couldn't fix them, and so I felt the only way out of my sadness was to start over with a clean slate"

"Sometimes I felt so crazy, as if every single feeling was coming out of me at once like a volcano, and nothing could stop it."

"Whenever I saw you doing more things around the house, or making changes, or being gone more, I kept thinking, ' No no no, that's not the problem. I just want to be free. What you are doing will not fix this'. I was angry because I didn't want you to do anything to try and change, and I didn't want my mind to be changed, but the entire time you WERE doing these things, my mind was slowly changing".

"Deep down inside, part of me didn't want to leave, but I felt that leaving was the only way to fix my sadness. Something was missing and I wanted it back. I wanted to get back to who I was in 1995, and it took me time to see this".

"I felt as if I had given part of myself up when we got married, some of my free time and hobbies. I stopped doing some things I enjoyed, even though you encouraged me, I just stopped. I thought I had to leave you in order to do these things again, but I was wrong, I realized that I can integrate some of my needs with our relationship, I just can't let that part of myself go".

"Whenever I saw how scared you were sometimes, when I was acting crazy, I started to feel horrible that I was putting you through hell. But I couldn't stop the feelings that were pouring out of me."

"I looked up midlife crisis online one day and I was surprised by some of the things I read. At first I said, 'that can't be me', but I realized that some of those things did fit what I was feeling. I still wanted to deny it though cause midlife crisis makes you think of guys who go buy corvettes and dye their gray hair and go to strip clubs, all of which were things I didn't want to do!"

"I don't remember some days when I was going through this. I just wanted to sleep".

These are some of the things he shared with me...

It seems we are growing closer again, and the storm has calmed down a little. Ok, HIS storm has calmed down, but mine has just really begun.

He's been happy, I mean... like his old self almost, but I feel extremely angry inside some days. Only one time did we sit down and talk about my anger and he responded with tears, and felt bad at what he put me through.

My anger is directly focused on OW, what he did, and his lies. Sometimes the anger is consuming... I want to break something.

I think, this could have been avoided.... only if he had... (fill in the blank) But I realize after listening to him talk about what he was feeling last summer that he was on a bullet train heading quickly away ....a crazy train, that is.

But I'm still furious. I bounce back with feeling joy that he has woke up, to feeling anger that he has done this. I try to focus on what I'm grateful for.

I know I am going to have to stop thinking of ow, and stop being angry and resentful with h. I know that my behavior could ruin things.

I'm so weary... but all in all I'm so happy he is here, and that he is so willing to piece back our marriage again.

I have to say one of the positives that came out of this is... we talk so much more easily now and state our needs, and ..... our intimate life has improved greatly.

I see the smile on his face again and the peace in his eyes...

The other night I did say, "Some men kind of go back through this again" and he said, "Please don't tell me that. If I start to feel that way again I'm going to get myself some help and not wait".

As of now , we are not in therapy... but we are planning to go to retrouvaille. He seems to be interested in this... and hope to go when we settle in our new home.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Cyrena, it sounds like you are in a good place.
If you need help in dealing with that anger and are unable to forgive, I respectfully suggest you get some.
It's not easy to let go of that (as you saw it) betrayal. It's not easy not to take this as a direct slap against everything you are, and sometimes you need someone to clear the alternate path a little.
I'm happy for you, and wish you the best.

[angel61]

HI CTflor,

I am so happy for you. YOur H has so much insight....and its just natural that you feel that way. Try your best to control your anger and resentment, just pray when it comes to you.

Me and my H just went trhough retrouvaille, just last weekend. See my posts on how we fared....

I am glad you are going to.... I am sure it will be so good for you. You are on the right path.

Take care, and just remember, things happen for a reason. God will take care of you and your H.

[Ctflor]

Thank you Queen & Angel.

In my first marriage, my h cheated a lot on me. I only caught him once, way after he had cheated multiple times and it destroyed me. I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to rebuild myself and my life, and I feel SO angry that h knew about this, and chose to cheat anyway.

I have days where I look at him and the anger fades away. Because he is genuinely putting effort in and trying. I feel it and see it. He has been more attentive, has taken more interest in my writing, and has in general been more emotionally supportive and open than ever.

Then I have days where I feel so angry that it's bubbling over. I slipped up a couple weeks ago and said something about OW. And he said, "Why can't we just forget about her? I don't even care about her or think about her".

He has lied so much that I worry he still lies. I don't know how trust is rebuilt. I couldn't rebuild it in my first marriage because I was emotionally unable to.

I think of h's lies, the things he did for OW and I want to cry or scream. I hold it in. I have gone back to look at her facebook and blog. I feel tormented inside sometimes. I don't know how to let it go, but yet I want so much for our marriage to continue.

And right now, h seems to be happier than ever and content. He is in a completely different place than I am, although he does understand my emotions right now from the fall out.

Angel I will take a look at your thread, could you please link me to it? Thanks.

[AntoniaB]

It's gratifying to read the things he is saying and he sounds like he is genuinely explaining what he felt and this helps. I am more focused on you, though, and the bubbling feelings of anger and such that you're dealing with. It's one of the reasons that I think if I were ever in your shoes I'd have real problems with letting go of things.

Right now I don't rehash the lies or deception or think about XH and OW much because he is out of my life. But I know that as jealous a person as I am inside or at least was, that if he came back, I'd be right where you are kind of making myself relive the painful stuff and all in a way to guard against future commitment, because "if he did it once will he do it again?"

This is probably a very tough part of piecing, the LBS having to let go of the resurfaced feelings of betrayal. Meanwhile he's saying "I'm ready to move forward, I don't care about her anymore". You don't want to believe that even if it's true.

The only advice I have for you is that the book my doctor has me rereading, The Four Agreements, talks about the idea of being present, and if you are fully present, none of what happened in the past with his lies or mistreatment or deception matters. You are only basing your life with him on the very immediate here and now. I think that this makes us think we are then doormats. I don't think so. We'd be doormats if we said "hey, all that stuff, ,water under the bridge, and it's ok if you're doing it to me again."

But if they are truly different now, and we let go of that anger from the past, we aren't doormats, we're just compassionate people who have learned to let the past rest and not have any grudges or preconceptions about their future behavior. I KNOW that's terribly hard.

It's because our ego gets in the way.

If he deserves or warrants your anger for something he is doing now, then have that anger at him.

But if he is acting in the present moment in a way that doesn't warrant it, try to act as if today is the last day we all have on earth. Are you going to practice peace, or are you going to go to war? (I didn't make that up; I stole it from a Buddhist reading in a book I have ;-)

I also think that what he can do is listen to everything you have been angry about when you want to let it out, and he needs to "hear" it and acknowledge your pain and apologize. But once he's done that, try not to rehash it over and over.

I know it's all easier said than done but you'll make it :-)

[Ctflor]

Thanks Antonia.. really good insight there and I like the quote "Are you going to practice peace, or are you going to go to war?"
I might have to check out the Four Agreements.

It's interesting because, when I decided to stay by his side after finding out about his EA, I never felt like a doormat. But now I do. I realize I just need to process this anger...

H was teary eyed yesterday. Something happened that caught me off guard. I was really tired and I laid down to nap and he was talking to me. I rolled over with my back to him and he stopped talking... and I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just hurting on the other side and had to switch" and he said, "Oh okay" and I said, "Please keep talking" and all the sudden he was in tears and said "I thought maybe you were mad and didn't care"

Not sure where that came from, but he is having a lot of emotions coming up to the surface.

We actually had a good R talk that he initiated. He said that at one point last summer, he just wanted to go back to his early 20's again, and that because he couldn't he felt angry ... and resentful that he was running out of time.

We talked about people who were older than him and I who have made great accomplishments in their age. I think this encouraged him somehow. I find myself having to be careful of what I say .... as he seems to take much to heart lately.

[Ctflor]

I'm sorry to complicate things by moving my topic over to this question thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2198717#Post2198717

It pretty much outlines what has been going on with me. But for now I'll try to keep everything in one thread. Sorry - moderators!

I need to update. I can't sleep. Having anxiety attacks.

[Ctflor]

Ever since I found out that h was looking at porn again, I feel like I snapped inside, in a bad way. As I mentioned in the other thread about this, my first marriage was with a man that was addicted to it, and it led to affairs and eventually physical abuse. When I got with my current h, he knew about this and way before we married he agreed... no porn in our lives.

I went out alone tonight, attempting to go for a drive alone. I have optic neuritis and should not be driving. But I was upset and wanted to be alone, and didn't want to call someone to come and get me. I drove down the road to a large park in the middle of the woods and sat and cried. I felt like I released a ton of stuff.. and started thinking about what I was really upset about.

Am I upset about the porn again, or am I still upset about the ow?

It's really more about the ow. I mean, I guess some casual porn looking doesn't compare to the last summer of hell. I don't know. Maybe I'm just swinging back and forth from one extreme to the other, but the porn surfacing again ... has brought on some bad anxiety attacks, and I have had moments throughout the day where I felt like I was losing it, as if everything was spinning out of control and I couldn't breathe.

I decided to go to the doctor and talk to her about medication. I can't take some anti depressants, because they may aggravate my MS symptoms, so she put me on a low dose of xanax. I have been on xanax in the past and went off of it. I didn't really want to go back on it but I can't stand going day to day feeling like I'm falling into the abyss.

How did I get through last summer without the meds? How did I do it on a day to day basis?

Strange how, now the storm is calming down... I'm falling apart.

I shouldn't be falling apart, right?

My h and I were packing boxes and we came across an old movie we had made when we first moved in together. He broke down crying, sobbing and he said, "I made such a big mistake. I can't believe I hurt you like this. What in the hell was wrong with me?" and he got on his knees and couldn't stop crying. I felt horrible seeing him in this much pain. I can't say I have been really nice to him lately.... I haven't. I've been angry inside. But the anger melted away and suddenly I wanted to take his pain away. But I knew I couldn't do that, so I sat there just listening to him.

He repeated to me a few times, how he made a fool of himself, and how he nearly lost me, and that he never realized how much I loved him until this happened. And then.. he promised me that this would never happen again, and he'd never put me through this nightmare again.

I felt numb listening to him say these things. Inside, I could feel myself recoil. I looked at h and felt as if none of this was real, and that at any moment, he'd wake up and be back in MLC land again.

Then anxiety hit and reeled on for the rest of the day.

I should be calm inside, and I should be happy... why can't I get a grip? he's with me, he's chosen to stay.... but I'm still crumbling inside. It's like he's out of the storm, but I'm still back there in it.

I don't know what to do. But he still talks about going to retrouvaille ... and he has looked up a date where it will be taking place near us when we move, and wants to go.

He also said, he wants to talk to the priest at our old church we used to go to.

Earlier last night he said, "I know you don't believe it, but I feel good again... I know I was depressed but I feel so happy inside again"

I just don't know anything. I'm trying to understand.

[Ctflor]

In addition, my h expressed his fears at my gal activities and how I have changed. he said he felt like I was punishing him by being gone a few nights a week. I'm gone no more than 2 - 3 times.

I thought that this was what he wanted, a wife that is not so clingy, a strong person who does things on her own.

As I said before, at first the GAL was hard getting used to... it was a fake it till you make it at first. But now I really enjoy getting away and doing things for me. I don't want that to end.

[irishblessings]

C -
First and foremost, I am sorry for the pain and heartache you are going through and I understand so well that as crazy as it sounds - the strength you need to STAY is often greater than the strength required to move on if the marriage falls apart.

You have to allow yourself time, space, care to heal! You cannot allow yourself to be manipulated by his manic ups and downs. You love him - I know. And I do have faith that 10 years down the road, if you are able to get through this your marriage will be stronger and you will be glad you were able to stay together. But this road is tough. Find someplace that you can go for quiet and meditation or prayer and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Do this as often as you need. Unfortunately, if you can prevent him from seeing this it is probably better as the reality is he is not yet stable.

I know this path very well. And although my X was unable to kick his habit - in hindsight and in working with counselors I know that the work I was doing while "sticking it out" was the right work.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

IB