What do I do next? Part 2

[luvhurts49]

Welcome to part 2 of What do I do next? You can read the first part HERE

To quickly recap, my W dropped the bomb and moved out on 8/18/11. She filed for D on 10/20/11 and recently found out about OM on 11/5/11.

During this time she has been blaming me for everything and she continues to lie not only to me, but our friends, family, and out kids. Before finding out about OM, she was constantly giving me the roller coaster ride of a lifetime and now I am ready to confront her regarding the OM.

Special thanks goes out to Accuray, Rick1963, Grace_O, and everyone else who has stuck by me during these difficult times and have given me the greatest of advice.

So let's be done with all the pleasantries and let's get on to the real issues here, my problems, HaHa. And let the games begin.....

[luvhurts49]

Ajay:

If you are committed to putting the tin hat on it, then go ahead, vent on her. If there is a tiny part of you that wants to reconcile, then BUTTON IT. Trying to get her to admit her guilt, apologise or anything else will give her another reason to justify her behaviour.

You must accept the advice of the veterans and be sweetness and light. Be her best friend and do not criticise, condemn nor complain. You have to forgive her or this will fester inside you forever, destroying any chance of a good relationship, should it repair.

That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm taking the advice of the veterans, namely Accuray. He took great care in creating a speech that not only let's me say what I want to say, but also does so without placing blame on her and making her feel defensive.

[luvhurts49]

Ok, so tonight I have a IC meeting--so much has happened since the last time we spoke. I'm going to talk to IC about discovering the OM and how I'm going to deal with it and what I'm going to do afterwards (go dark/dim the best I can).

Every now and then I find myself going along and then BAM!!!, thoughts of my W and OM jump into my head. That really makes the day drag on. I want to get the day over with so I can go home and think in private and not have to worry about holding it together in front on my coworkers and such.

Speaking of which, why is it that you have to go to the court house to apply for a marriage license and the license is upheld by the state (thus essentially making it a contract), when one party does not uphold their end of the contract, how come there isn't any laws that can be used to punish the guilty party? For example, my W had an A, thus she is guilty of infidelity and should be punished by the law.

I think that if there were laws in place for breaking of marriage commitments, that there would be a lot less D in this country and maybe, just maybe, people would actually try working on their M instead of just taking the easy way out and walking away.

Maybe I think about this stuff too much, but it seems to me that things should be a little bit different than they are now. And the same goes for custody and CS--the W shouldn't automatically get the benefit of the doubt and be declared the custodian over 90% of the time just because they gave birth to the kid. If I'm a good dad, let me be a good dad and let me support my kid(s) without having to live in the poorhouse. Just my opinion.

[NYCPeter]

I think that if there were laws in place for breaking of marriage commitments, that there would be a lot less D in this country and maybe, just maybe, people would actually try working on their M instead of just taking the easy way out and walking away.

luvhurts49 - I think the "No Fault" divorce laws have a lot to do with the high level of "D". So you want to break your contract - Why, then give me a reason and then you can do so. I also think there should be a mandatory waiting period - especially when children are involved.

[luvhurts49]

I also think there should be a mandatory waiting period - especially when children are involved.

I couldn't agree more. I've stated this on some other thread before, but I think that before you are allowed to get married, both people need to take a marriage class that is no less than 12 weeks long (and pass it) before a marriage license can be given. Hopefully, then each person will know what they are getting into and what it takes to make M work for the long haul and not "learning on the job" as it were.

Bottom line, it takes 30 minutes to get married, yet it can take months or even years to get D--maybe we need to reverse that. Just a thought.

[Accuray]

My W interestingly enough suggested that there should be *no* marriage contract. Her point was that the marriage contract encourages complacency and taking the relationship for granted. It gives you a false sense of security that you are "locked in" for the long haul.

If the assumption between you was that either of you could wake up any morning and freely walk away, you'd probably both regard the situation differently from the beginning and not get into these messes!

I certainly see the virtue in that line of thinking, it just gets more complicated when children are involved, she didn't have a good answer for that.

[luvhurts49]

Ok, got home last night after IC and get a text from W telling me to watch what I say around our youngest S. Apparently, my S said "I hate mommy", for which I immediately told her that I do not know where he got that from because I would never say that. She then says that maybe she should cut down my visitation rights. Can she do that when we are still M?

Bottom line is I don't know where he got it from, but it wasn't from me or anybody around me. I only ever say good things about my W because I still love her and I want her back. Some people might say I'm a little crazy to think that because of what she has done, but it's how I feel.

I have since printed out the texts so I can take them to my L just in case. I don't want there to be any kind of "misunderstanding" if this happens to come up during our D.

Just what in the heck is going on in my W head? I would pay good money (if I had any) to get an answer to that.

[Accuray]

Luvhurts,

I'll say it again, the DB Coach could help, in my opinion it was more helpful than IC. The IC deals with all kinds of issues and will tend to focus on you versus the dynamics of your relationship. The DB coaches do nothing but troubled relationships 24x7, so they are specialists while the IC is a generalist.

When your W accuses you of things like that, the key is to calmly say that it didn't come from you and don't apologize, don't get defensive. Answer the question and move on.

WRT cutting down on your visitation rights, there is no structure for visitation rights right now because you're not divorced. She can certainly try to limit your access to the children, that's what your visitation rights would prevent. Because they are with her, she can control your access to them right now.

I would tell her that you intend to continue to be a good father to your children, and speaking poorly of their mother would not be good parenting. I would also explain that since you are doing your best to work through this difficult time with her, you don't appreciate being threatened. Regardless of what happens between the two of you, you will be parents together forever. Your involvement will continue to be important to the children, and you intend to make your time together constructive.

Then I would politely end the conversation.

Accuray

[Telemark]

Accuray, I think you should be a DB coach.

[luvhurts49]

I would probably agree that a DB coach could help, but it comes down to cost--I simply can't afford it. Heck, the only reason I can even go to a IC is because my W insurance covers 100% for the first 20 visits, then 90% for the next 10.

As far as my W accusing me, I simply responded (via text--that all we do) by saying that I didn't know where he picked that up from, but it wasn't from me or anybody around me. I have never said a bad thing about my W to anyone, ever. Why would I want her back so badly if I thought badly of her?

Since we are currently splitting time with our kids 50/50, if she decides to limit my access to them, what are my options? How can I prevent her from doing that since we are still M?