The last couple of days I have been feeling down. I really miss my husband. I want to write him a letter telling him that I love him, but I don't because then that would be pursuing him. And I don't want him to think that and move further away from me.
Agreed, definitely write the letter Hopeful, get it out, just don't send it to him. Call a friend who you trust and enjoy and have a heart-to-heart conversation about how you're feeling. You need to spill it, you will want to spill it on H, but that will not help. Find someone else to absorb it for you.
When you are feeling this way, you are vulnerable. Recognize that. Write yourself a note not to initiate contact and to end conversations first. Write it on your hand if you need to. If he reaches out, do not escalate! You ARE making progress, and it's been hard won. Even small backsliding can wipe out lots of gains, because H will not believe that your changes are for real -- he needs to be *convinced* of that, so consistency is the most important thing for you right now.
Be strong, this is very, very hard. You have shown great strength so far, you should feel great about that -- it's so hard to do! If it helps to take your mind off things, I posted an update on my sich on the SSM forum, would love your thoughts.
--Accuray
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Good news! That will be a challenge for you however -- you'll be looking for signs that everything will be ok, you'll be looking for even slight affection, you'll be doing a lot of work to prepare the meal and will feel like you are owed some gratitude.
You will be tempted to slip in little comments like "I wish you could be here for dinner every night" if you feel things are going well.
Resist the urge! You've started a pursuit here -- be nice, be happy, be supportive, but don't be needy and don't have expectations. Think through what you're going to do if he gets mean or disrespectful. Remember you want to build him up, but you also want to give him the chance to pursue, so don't be too easy to get. Create some mystery if you can.
Most importantly, have fun and feel good about yourself!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray----It's going okay. Taking it one day at a time. And trying to be patient. H emailed me several times on Monday regarding our D. And called me twice Monday evening regarding our D. Small talk really. Sent me an email this morning regarding our D. But I did not reply back. That's about it.
Much more challenged than I thought I would be. W and I are piecing back together. W is generally not happy with herself and struggles not to be sad all the time. It's hard not to take that as a reflection on me.
I'm also haunted by the ghost of OM. I know how happy my W was in her relationship with OM and I'm just not able to deliver that level of happiness, no matter what I do, and I'm trying!
Overall I have a ton to be thankful for, and I am. Still healing though, and sometimes it's hard!
Glad you asked?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I am still haunted by my H's EA with his co-worker. But trying real hard not think about it.
When my H and were together, I was not happy with myself. I had a hard time losing weight after the baby was born. Not that I was fat, but I weighed more than I was used to. But now, I have lost 25 lbs and I just love it. I catch myself looking in the mirror and smiling. My H thought it was a reflection him as well. But it wasn't.
