Kids just came back from being with their mum for 4 nights.
W again was asking D14
- why is dad so calm and happy - what is dad doing which she is not
And confirmed to D14 what I had thought, she is doing this stuff through solicitors as I won't speak to her.
Why should I be her friend, my friends do not treat me the way she is currently, and have told her this directly.
W has also told them that I.have said I'm going for full custody (which I am not and have told her this many times) and that if that happens she will move away.(looking for an excuse to do so, then be able to blame me IMHO)
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I have not communicated to W for approaching 6 weeks now, but yesterday I emailed her about 4pm asking for her to have the kids over a couple of dates, which were in exchange for additional dates I had them earlier in the year. I also asked W about having the kids over the Christmas period.
W replied (which was immediate) stating that she had arranged to work that weekend, and then basically said she only wanted the kids on Dec 23, and then collect on 28 which is her usual day, so not wanting to see the kids on Christmas or Boxing Day!!!!
Kids are upset, but happy they will be at home with me.
I got another 2 1 line replies last night about the dates I wanted.
W called D14 last night, and told her I had emailed her, and then said again "dad won't speak to me"
This morning I noticed a message on my other cell phone, left yesterday lunchtime by W (before my email). D14 must have told W that I had deleted W off my main cell, that is why she contacted me on the other one (work cell) which she hasn't text to for over a year.
The message W left was "would you consider meeting up to talk please"
I sent W a letter through my solicitor last week basically saying file for divorce by the end of last week, otherwise I would, and I have received NOTHING back. D14 said W sounded upset when she spoke to W last Thursday.
I am not reading anything into this.
After everything which has happened, even the craziness, I am in a good place atm. I am OK with however this turns out and know I will be more than OK.. I am back to my old self, happy and content with things, and have liked the distance n/c has generated.
Ohh, what to do!!!!
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
GAL Man, what is your goal in this? Do you want your marriage to be saved? If not, then carry on with what you're doing.
Having a face to face meeting with your W would give you a chance to validate and listen to her. She's asking it of you. Do you not want to hear what she has to say?
I agree with Seeking. How I wish my X would have taken the opportunity to talk about the situation and act like an adult, rather than push everything under the carpet and rewrite history.
I decided to take some time away again to think.......
I emailed W after her text, asking what she would like to discuss, but no reply..........more games
I received another solicitor's letter from her the same day, stating she could not go through with the D as she has no money, and had tried to sell jewellery to cover it, but was not offered enough. In the same letter she basically invited me to file (and pick up all the costs), then her solicitor finished the letter with "we are concerned over the financial position of our client and have strongly advised her to consider returning to the matrimonial home"
W has mentioned this, about returning due to having no money for the last 3 months, WTH
W opened communications to me on Friday last week regarding the kids. I replied "professionally" regarding the matters at hand, even though she still had a dig regarding me being the main carer.....
W went on that I didn't communicate with her, or even she her face to face, so I clearly stated that I had made a decision that if her communications were blame projecting, anger, lies or demands I would not respond, but would always communicate over any matter if her coms were nice and non-demanding. And that all this did was push the kids away. W replied quoting what I had said, then stated that she no longer wanted to do that, so admitted she was doing it.
I have a long meeting with my solicitor over all this and about me filing for D. However I decided in the end, as I have spent £3k so far on nothing but stupid stuff from W's solicitors, that
1 - I am not going to file the D and give her what she thinks she wants 2 - I am not going to pay for the D she wants 3 - I have removed the financial settlement offer made in October from the table 4 - Stated that as I and the children live in the house, it is not in the interest of the kids for W to just move back, just because she has no money
I will review the position in the new year.
I also need to decide if I request child maintenance from W. My solicitor has stated I should, as have friends. January will be 5 months the kids have been with me full-time (10 out of 14 days) and I am paying all the house bills (including her half of the mortgage and endowment policy) as I always have, but also supplying the kids dinner money and pocket money, plus the cost of clothes and food.
I always stated I wouldn't as I am on a higher salary, but this should have no bearing as W has an legal duty to financially support them. I also put a boundary down stating that if W wanted more money then I would have no choice but to process a claim, and W has refused my settlement offer (very fair) even after agreeing it 5 times via email!
Some of you will also recall that W actually filed a CSA child maintenance claim against me in late September!!!!!
I would like to try and sort this out locally if I decide to go this route, and not directly through the CSA which will be an official demand from the government straight to her without notice.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
W finally collected the bloody Christmas tree which had been waiting in the hall for the last two weeks. W text me Thursday saying she would be round tonight with S12 to collect it, I replied a few hours later when I saw the text saying it wasn't convenient tonight, so she collected it the following evening.
The kids returned on Sunday after being with their mum for the usual 4 nights every two weeks, and told me the usual stuff....
So even after my communications with her via email on Friday, she is still doing the same stuff (just not directly to me atm)
Kids said W had been saying......
W hasn't been happy now for the entire 16 years we had been together (married 12, kids 14 & 12!!!!), so that went 2,3,5, 15 and now finally to the maximum 16years LOL Not to talk about the old house (we moved from 6 years ago) as she had no happy memories from there (even though she always said that house felt like a proper home) That as I purchased a new PS3 (for the one she took) I obviously had money, so was going to take me for more.
She still cannot see that she is still alienating the kids
Then D14 told me that on Thursday evening after they went shopping, W told them she had to drop something off at the house across from me (she never has before, or even used to speak to them). W drove round, stopped to see if my car was on the drive (at the back of the house) then drove past very slowly not even stopping, or looking at the house on the left, but continued to look at my house on the right to try and see what I was up to and to see if there was a car parked out the front!!!!!!!
D14 also told me that W had spent loads of money at a clothes show, and that they both had their nail professionally done. Then told me W has now got the complete Sky HD TV package......... and she goes on about having no money.
W text me Thur evening out the blue, just to tell me that a mutual friend fb account had been hacked!!!!
D14 has been texting W again, asking to see her Christmas day, but W keeps saying no. And she goes on about the kids not wanting to be with her!!!!
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
GAL still going well (with and without kids) Bowling this week was very good (got my second highest score ever, 181, and had 6 strikes and 2 spares LOL)
House is spotless, with no junk or washing lying around.
Discussions with the kids have been excellent, and we all say how relaxed thing are at home, no arguing, shouting, just fun times.
I must admit, the place is a completely different atmosphere since W left, so calm and happy.
I am no longer walking on eggshells or having W shout at me or the kids, its so relaxed.
Kids have requested that we have Christmas dinner at home together, just the 3 of us, and to have a great fun day (I am going to come up with a game for the kids to find extra presents LOL, which they are really excited about) as we were invited to my mums.
I just don't know if I will even consider their being an US again, if that option materialises!
I will not go back to how it was, no matter what happens at the end of this chapter of my life.
I am happy with who I am, and what I have. I know what I want long term from a partner (when the time is right)
I have learnt so much already, with more still to learn.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
GAL man, Oh yes...... I hear ya. This is the most frustrating and infuriating behavior with an MLCer. All rationality seems to fly out the window and is replaced with nothing but sheer selfishness. Then a glimmer of rationality and sanity shows up only to fly out the window again with spewing, head spinning, and re writing of history.
Yes, I've been demonized by my stbx. He secretly got a large inheritence, saved it and used it to leave, after I had used mine to get our bills caught up and out of the red financially. Furnished himself two new apartments (now one is with OW) purchased the HD TV, X box, new computers for the kids (2), shopping trips, movies, school clothes for the kids, nice b day party for my daughter, expensive b day gifts, brand new camping exquipment for camping, overnights in another town for big shopping.... etc. Yet according to him he will need to get a second or 3rd job and go to the food bank in order to just survive! Well at this rate, he just might have to!
Yes the years of unhappiness really varies doesn't it? Mine went from 6 years, down to 2 - 3 years, then back up to 15. Then it went from we chose to get married down to me insisting we get married because I didn't like the idea my grandparents thought we were living in sin..... LOL, now that one was hilarious.
If you allow yourself to dwell on it too much, as I did for a while, you will feel as crazy as they're acting, and will question your own sanity and if you're having your own MLC! However I think if you're questioning your own sanity, that's a sign you are sane!
Just breathe. Remember she made these choices and there are consequences to her actions. MLCers just don't seem to "get" that. Remember their mental and emotional age is a young child that's strong willed and wants their way. When a consequence arises that they don't like ( and they don't like anything) they're going to point the finger at you and make it your fault, just as a child would.
My advice is do your best to see this for what it is and the big picture, and only react accordingly. If you over react, hey you're human!but you can always get back on track. I've reacted in ways I wish I hadn't but I also know that given my own emotions and circumstance, it was only normal for me to act that way. And i forgive myself!
