Beginning now...

[RLay1100]

joining a new gym. Took a spinning class yesterday morning and really liked it more than I thought. So I'm going to try these outlets for a while.

I did this and it has changed me a LOT. I not only FEEL better, I look better. In turn, my self-esteem has improved...

[ericmsant2]

IB

but I also know that I can't allow him to fall into an abyss of self-pity and self-destruction.

Be careful here...."YOU can't".....

IB, at the end of the day he is his own person and although you can show in the way you "can't" make him follow it.

Actions....not words...actions.

Show him love even when it is hard. Show him compassion. Do not let his walk over you. Anger is an acceptable emotion. It is what we do with it that really matter. It is not acceptable to do whatever you want to treat people how ever you want when you are angry. Show him this...not by words rather how you interact with him.

Peace,
Eric

[AntoniaB]

Yeah I was mainly being facetious when I said don't go to his games--I'm sure that could come off as vindictive.

However, here's the scenario that was kind of behind my thoughts on that: You go to his game, his father and OW are there with their public displays of affection, and he turns on you on the way home, or right after the game, etc., when he can't say what he really wants to say to his father. As in, is his behavior the worst right after seeing his father, like after these games (which are a serious blow to you as well), or is it just all over the place, and I think part of me was thinking you have to try to detach from when he's at his worst as a form of self-protection.

I understand completely wanting to be a supportive parent and being the bigger person and all that, but to be very frank, my mom was super supportive and I was in a ton of different band events, and I don't hold it against her (and never did) that she wasn't able to make every single event. Sometimes she just had to work or was just exhausted, and though my parents were divorced, my dad never came to much of anything, and I don't feel bad about him as a result.

I am concerned for you here because it seems like these games are so upsetting to you, and him being mean on top of it isn't helping. You don't want to AVOID everything in your path, but is there a way to lessen the number of times you have to deal with some of these things for your own emotional health?

[AntoniaB]

Sorry typo, my parents were NEVER divorced...

[irishblessings]

Again - so appreciative for your encouraging words and ideas on how to handle this rough time with my son.

These times are truly representative of the losses brought about by divorce. Obviously, I realize difficulties with teenagers occurs in all homes whether 2 parents or 1 - but having raised 2 kids already with 2 of us at home and now raising the last 1 by myself - it is a terrible, terrible shame. The inconceivable selfishness that is a permanent resident in my X has caused such a loss for my son. I know it will ultimately make him stronger but it is still not fair. And too often I feel so much guilt because (and I know this is MY problem) I stand before my son and daughters as the REASON my X is gone from the family. He didn't want ME any longer.

No 2x4s needed here because I know I am being irrational and hypersensitive - I just personalize it so much and I'm not at the point where days go by and I don't think about it. It is still too fresh. So many people still do not even know we are divorced and they send notes/emails/etc. with best wishes to X and me. We were not a couple others would have thought would be divorced. Just wasn't us.

But it is us - and it s*cks. Reality.

So today I hope to decorate for the holidays a bit. Going to take it easy and hopefully nap a bit before the work grind begins again tomorrow.

Happy Sunday to all!

[punkin]

Irish,

When our youngest daughter was 13, she was diagnosed (finally) as being bi-polar. I say finally as I knew it, but couldn't get a physician that would give a definitive diagnosis until she did something jail-worthy. She was sent to a school for bipolar teens for 6 months, and it was a terribly rough time in our life. All this to say that we did get through it. And my kids are here today saying I am the reason they made it through the tough times, although I always gave XH all the credit. Your son will see who has been there for him all the way, and are anything but the REASON their father S@@ks. That's on him.

[dl443322]

IB, your son is going through his own stages of grief. He will pass through this anger part.

My son went through it, too. I was steadfast in my actions and my boundaries. I also let him know it was ok to feel as he did. I never, ever said a word about his father. I was there for him as much as I could be, often quietly and in the background. I let him know that there was nothing he could do that would ever make me stop loving him.

I also knew that some of this was due to his hormones. Boys go through it differently than girls. It took some time, but, eventually the anger stopped.

One day he came to me and said, thank you, mom. I said for what. He said, for letting me get this out of my system, for understanding that I was hurt and lost and for always being there for me.

IB, your son knows way more than you think. And I promise you he does not blame you for his father leaving.

Trust in how you raised him. I promise you it will get better.

Hang in there, sweetie.

[irishblessings]

Punkin and Brooke - thank you. Your words help so much.

Have struggled through the last couple of days. XH called me yesterday. Haven't talked to him in a very long time. Wanted to know if everything was alright with son because he wasn't answering his texts or calls. I said, "well I really don't feel comfortable talking about this right now because the last couple of times I have reached out to you regarding son it has come back to bite me." He said - "is son angry?" "Um, yes he is angry!" "At me???" "To be honest son is almost 18 years old - your relationship is between the two of you." XH replies - "ok fine."

This happens as I pull up son's grades online and they are horrible. At my wits end! So, I finally suck it up and email his school counselor and teachers. Very professionally - no bashing - but letting them know that son has been struggling and that I am the custodial parent. This situation is made worse because these same counselors and teachers are XH's co-workers. Thankfully however, the responses I got were so supportive. Very clearly - and very professionally letting me know that they recognize how difficult this situation is on son. Everyone can see the physical and social-emotional changes in XH.

I feel better now that I made the contacts. Can't say that it is not a bit embarrassing - but it's in my son's best interest.

One good message. My son's guidance counselor emailed me later in the day and said he had met with him. He said that my son said he had a lot of respect for me and felt that if he needed anything or had a problem he could definitely turn to me.

I am worn out! I am really not a drama queen - I don't thrive on chaos or crisis. I need some really really good times!!!

[AntoniaB]

IB have you got some girlfriends you can do a "ladies night" type thing with? I'm not trying to trivialize anything, believe me, but sometimes just spending some time with women outside your realm of difficulty is helpful. I went out tonight with a new friend to the bar she and her friend work at, and her friend was on duty, and we are all single, and we all commiserated, and it rocked. It was just nice to be out with women who don't have men at their beck and call, and that's like, almost all women I know aside from those on this board. It felt like I was "normal" in their world. Maybe you just need a dose of this now and then?

[irishblessings]

Antonia -
My closest friends are all married. I've not had much of an opportunity to venture out into the single world yet. I can see the need though. I've just spent so much time juggling "being there" for each of the 3 kids. Senior in high school / senior in college / soon to be married - it seems as if there is ALWAYS something going on that involves a parent in some way:) I'm not complaining - and I know when my son graduates my life will greatly change.
Glad you had a great time!
IB