Beginning now...

[irishblessings]

Time to begin a new thread and it's probably a good point to do it. I have spent the last couple of months focusing on healing my soul. The divorce care class has been extremely helpful and I took another women's bible study around the book "Brave" - that helped me regain some perspective.

Now I am moving on to gain some physical strength - starting tennis lessons tomorrow and joining a new gym. Took a spinning class yesterday morning and really liked it more than I thought. So I'm going to try these outlets for a while.

My son begins his last high school basketball season tomorrow. Hard to believe - so I think these new endeavors will keep me busy in a healthy, productive way.

My middle D came home for the weekend and we had a GREAT visit. Saw all of my kids this weekend and know that I am in a better place than I was last year at this time. It's a good realization.

[irishblessings]

Is there anyone else posting here who have an X that completely dropped contact with them? When I was cleaning up my old email files I saw these loving and kind notes from X that just instantly stopped. Since he has been gone - there has been NO looking back on his part. I am not sure how that happens. He is very enamored with his new life and his new love. She is SO different from me - polar opposite. When I was spending time with my kids this weekend I couldn't help but think about all X was missing out on - what we shared and loved together. I guess if I was being completely honest, I am still looking for hope that he will wake up one day and reach out. Intellectually I know I am wasting time with these feelings - emotionally, it's another story. Some of these feelings have been sparked by reading posts here where people seem to have contact with their Xs.
I have little to none. Just wondering...

[AntoniaB]

Are you guys done with all legal stuff? I think in my case were the legal things all done AND were there not the occasional catastrophe (recent hurricane and my cat's death) my XH and I would be at far less contact. I expect there to be no contact now that we had our sort of "goodbye" talk.

When you say you are still looking for hope that he will wake up one day, I was talking to someone about hope the other day and she said that hope has a function...that it might be the thing we "cling" to even if logically/intellectually it's a crazy thing to cling to, but we do it because we aren't strong enough yet to go without it.

I mean, if all of us here hadn't had hope that they'd come back in the months after bomb drop, would any of us survived?? I'd say that hope in that notion only becomes a problem if it interferes with your ability to have relationships and move on...and I dont even mean just romantic relationships, but relationships and closeness in general with others, and moving on with your life instead of crying every day looking at old pictures :-)

I went off the other day about how I was going to not have hope anymore about XH and I reconciling and I already think I'm back to holding onto a shred ;-) I think I lost the hope that it would be any time in the foreseeable future, and that's giving me space to think about life without him more clearly, but I'm never going to say never. Who knows?

[Cadet]

She is SO different from me - polar opposite.

He is a vanisher and yes this is very typical in many MLC cases.

Opposite is something that is also very typical.

HB writes about opposite many times in the archives.

Their is some science behind this as when we get older our hormones become the opposite of what they have been our whole life. He is searching for happiness and looking down all the cheese less tunnels looking for something that must be found within. Let him go. Keep working on yourself.
There is always hope, but things must get worse before they get better.

[irishblessings]

Thank you both - I just needed to put it out there. Somewhat driving me crazy!

[beatrice]

IB Long long periods of no contact. More than a year without a word. Post divorce I re-initiated contact and we keep it up pretty intermittently, although he has begun to withdraw again. I am OK with that.

Some run fast and hard. Also I had firm boundaries, and when they were violated I stopped contact too. When my xh did contact me, for the longest time, it was to spew . . . . very very little positive interaction for a very long time. weird, when we so close and loving. like losing an arm.

I am detached and largely accepting of all that has happened. Regrets? yes, who wouldn't after a long and happy marriage, but I am OK and getting better all the time. I now know he is the bigger loser out of all of this. And I am sorry for him.

[Kimmerz]

Hi IB,

Wanted to let you know that my stbx and I have very little contact now.

There's just not point in it given he's with someone else, as far as I see it.

Also the divorce is getting complicated so he has no desire to even talk to me about anything, and I get glares when he's in the driveway to pickup the kids or definite attitude.

I've read in two instances that when a couple is still fighting like this and has such hard feelings towards one another, that they're still VERY MARRIED and actually shouldn't divorce! Why? Because there are many many unresolved conflicts going on that really should be dealt with as much as possible. And the best way to divorce is really to walk away with a mutual understanding and wishing them all the best and really mean it.

Well I know every single one of us LBS, and then WAS or MLCers ARE NOT doing that. They leave because (in their mind) it's all the LBS fault, they're unhappy and need to find them selves, and are spewing in between being nice. Well us LBS...we're doing the same thing! No wonder it takes so long and there is so much hurt.

I guess what hurts is my stbx husband can hold a grudge and not let things go...... forever. He's still mad at his mom for things that happened when we was 15 years old. He still mad at me for things that happened 20 years ago. He's not very forgiving. He loves to forget, pretend it didn't happen, sweep it under the carpet, not deal with it, and deny things, but when that pile gets so tall he trips over it and BAM!!! Unresolved issues flying all over the place and overwhelming emotions that weren't dealt with.

I like what Cadet had to say. I wish I could find what HB had to say about vanishers and total opposites.

This MLC thing really is interesting. Im a total psychology junkie anyway.

Just me .02 worth!

[Cadet]

Kimmerz

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=96158&page=1

Look at the 5th post down this is a serman on the OPPOSITE.
It is about the LBS being the opposite.
But the MLC'er also becomes the OPPOSITE
It is from the resources.

Vanisher is not from Heart Blessings but a type of contact that some MLC'ers display.
Not all MLC'ers are the same although they all have a similar script.

[irishblessings]

Thanks all for this feedback. I am still holding on to this deeply hidden hope that he will wake up one day - and become the man he began to try to be. No 2x4s needed - I absolutely know that it is a crazy dream and I am not stuck or not moving forward with my life - it's just that I'm trying to rationalize that the further away he stays the less likely he is to ever come back. Pathetic - yes, I know. But I've at least verbalized it and maybe letting go of it will help make it go away for good!

On the good side - I took my first tennis lesson last night and I was the oldest, heaviest student there BUT I also was the BEST player! Yep - I loved it!!! Can't wait for my next lesson!

[irishblessings]

Newsflash....my bil (x) just chatted with me on the alt. He said - "I can't figure out what X is doing with OW - neither can my gf. I am struggling with trying to support versus just going crazy on him!" FINALLY - validation!! My response - "After this many years I still worry about X - even though I shouldn't - but he is the father of these amazing kids."

Yes!