Living with groundlessness

[beatrice]

I agree with IB. And I also agree with you that when push comes to shove, there are two types of people in the world. the ones that sell you to the bad guys and the ones that don't.

it is about choice. We choose to stay and be honourable or cut and run. The hard path and the easy path. I have real trouble with people who talk about 'happiness' as a goal all of the time, as if this is what matters most. Don't get me wrong. it does matter, but not MOST. I want to be happy, and I deserve it, but not at the expense of other people. If I have to do hard things, then I will try and do them as gracefully as possible. I have always believed that real happiness comes from a life well lived. To me that does not include brutalizing your life partner when you leave.

Our life has been brutal, it is true, but it has strengthened us, broken our mould and set us free to move forward.

When you hurt other people, you hurt yourself more. not quite the same as Karma, but it often looks the same. My xh is a broken and damaged human being. He has lost everything that mattered to him in his life, including his self respect.

My life has been hard, and the first two hears were the hardest, no question. But it has also been a lot of fun, and filled with love. Not romantic love, but the love of friends and family. Which is pretty good. My xh has a stormy relationship [or not - I am never sure where it is at, and I no longer care] with a neurotic, unprincipled and rather stupid woman.

We are leaving the past gently behind, and moving forward into a new future. Your xh will go on in an endless cycle until he sorts imself out and stops blaming others. We are responsbile for ourselves, and our actions to ourselves and others.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks IB and Beatrice :-)

I have tried to articulate how it feels "physically" to feel the way I do about being alone, and all I can come up with is that I feel like I have not let the tension in my shoulders and neck release in 17 months. It feels like I'm in a perpetual state of "fight" that sometimes becomes "flight" through perhaps having some drinks or getting super distracted in games on the alt, as an example. But mostly, I'm in "fight". What's going to happen next that I have to deal with? When's another shoe going to drop? It's relentless. And my book isn't helping, as that is a constant source of tension and stress.

I cannot physically relax. I think this is why I have such a terrible problem with insomnia. Even when I'm "relaxing" I'm not letting go, so I can take myself out to dinner as I do every Tues. night after meditation, and I can sit there and enjoy the taste of the food, but I'm very aware that I am there alone, and I sit with such hope that someone will come in and sit at the bar, and the only people who ever do are couples who have eyes only for one another, or married men bringing a paper in and never looking up.

The other physical manifestation is the feeling of complete vulnerability because of being alone, not just in my house, but alone in the "area." ALL my deepest friendships are with people who live 4 or more hours from me. I am very friendly and do make a lot of gestures to be closer to others in my immediate area--colleagues for instance--and I tend to be the one to do the inviting out for drinks or dinner or to a gallery. But these are all women who have their own very close friends, and I can't just turn myself into their confidant...they aren't looking for that. They have those people already.

I think one of the oppressive things is feeling that this isolation will last a long, long time. There is only so much I can do to make new friends without being pushy. I've got lots of new people in my life, but face it, they're acquaintances. It will take years for these relationships to grow. And then since there isn't even one man around who I am dating, I think wow, even after I meet someone, it will take years for that to turn into something deep.

I think the hardest part is knowing that despite all the things I can do for myself in my career and such, that the companionship and closeness with another person I lost is going to take years to build up with others.

I fear that this feeling of not being able to "relax" will persist unless or until I can have people in my life who are physically PRESENT here that I can be close with. This is all a byproduct of me and XH not ever forming friendships with others nearby. It's like I'm paying so hard for our collective choice to wrap our lives up in each other and I can't just "fix it" overnight, because other people I know locally just aren't looking for BFFs.

[AntoniaB]

Oh and when I think of all this above, that is when I feel most jealous of XH and OW, because I think you know, they have each other, as twisted and messed up as they are, they have each other, and I could die tomorrow. I'd die with my dignity, and my principles, and my clarity and honesty with myself and my growth. But I'd die "without" that one thing that they have...and this is an internal struggle I face, learning how to say that it's ok to not have someone in your life, learning how to relax with spending the majority of your life connected to people only through phone or internet or standing in front of a class.

I think if society had a better attitude towards single people it wouldnt' be so difficult. I mean, any time I meet a person and say it's a man, my mom's FIRST question is, "and how old is he and is he married?" Yeah, thanks a lot, mom.

I have a psych. appt. today...will report back later if I learn anything that would help people.

[beatrice]

I agree about society's attitude to single people, which to some extent one even finds here . . . . . . occasionally. The rest is like planting seeds. It takes a while for things to take root. Honestly, I know I keep saying this, but what you posted I experienced at that time point.

It takes a long time to get the networks established, the friendship groups, and not getting sucked into things that you don't want. At the same time you are getting more resilient, and what seems to happen is that your friendship group expands while need to for alone increases.

I felt lonely, isolated, jealous of what i sometimes thought xh and ow had [even though I knew they didn't really]. What you feel is normal. What many people do is date, whether or not they are ready. There is a world of difference between being receptive to the idea and it happening, and I do think for most people they need time alone, hard as it is. It gets better.

[kara]

Antonia,

As usual your honesty and the way you lay everything bare is astounding. I totally get everything you have talked about in these last posts. From what I have read it seems that many of your activities are solitary - writing, meditation etc. Teaching is interactive but much of the preparation is a solitary affair. I am not that familiar with your thread to recall what other activities you pursue. Do you go to a gym or exercise class? Are there any cooking or music classes you can take? What made a big difference to me was going to the gym which then blossomed into taking additional classes and now being very dedicated to exercising and not missing any classes. I have met so many interesting people and while I don't socialize with most of them, the interaction is something I look forward to. As I challenge myself to become stronger it really does help me to feel more positive generally.

The not relaxing thing was a real probem for me. I found that yoga helped tremendously in letting go of physical and mental tension. For me yoga is like a massage that you can get every day.

I do get anxious sometimes at the thought of being alone for a long time. But I reassure myself that I am where I am meant to be and I know I will not be here forever. You may have the majority of your connections over the phone or internet now. This will change with time.

As Beatrice said, it is hard. It can be brutal. What helps me is to acknowledge to myself "Wow. This is hard. I never thought I could do this but I can and I will." It is like climbing an emotional Everest but the view from the top will be amazing.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks, Beatrice!

Ok so I had my doctor appt and here is some info if it helps anyone.

I did get a script for ambien to be my "fall back" med if I have too many sleepless nights in a row...but first, she told me this: to FACE The sleeplessness. She said that the subconscious is often so active when we sleep, and that for those dealing with a lot, the subconscious can go haywire at night, and that sleeplessness sometimes is the brain's way of "protecting" you from sleep because you have "too much to work through"! She said if this persists night after night, you need some kind of prescription help usually, because night after night of no sleep is physically detrimental. But she suggested that I go to sleep without taking anything and if/when I wake up, to find a quiet place in the house, either the bed or elsewhere, and FACE my tension, and actually invite the tension all through my body. I feel my tension is in the shoulders and neck and head. She said I am actively resisting moving it through me and out of me by "carrying it like a burden on my back." So I should sit there and center myself almost meditatively, and be receptive to the tension and let it flow all through me and really feel it, and "make friends with it." She said I have done the "make friends with the negative emotion" very successfully in a ton of other ways...I did it when I went full-on into seeing XH for the funeral, I did it by saying to my XH "we WILL face this and it WILL hurt like hell but we WILL get through it and be ok." So she said I have to simply do this with the tension that is waking me up at night.

She said "ask yourself WHY your subconscious might want to keep you awake...what is it that is SO hard about going to sleep or staying asleep..." But think of sleeplessness as "instructive" and "a friend"....to a point.

She told me I could sit up and write, as I often do, but to only write about sleeplessness and not go into other things. Then the next day, when I need a nap, do NOT give in to the urge, and repeat the pattern the next night. If things don't calm down, take the ambien a night, then try again.

It's an interesting theory...so I will try it out tonight and not go to the ambien till tomorrow night if necessary.

Oh and she said I could read if I woke up and to reread the Four Agreements if I wake up and meditate on being in the present. She feels an enormous amount of my tension comes from still being such a forward thinker, a future thinker. I've been able to quiet a lot of the past thinking, but not future thinking.

There was other advice too about dealing with my parents that really is just DB 101 and breaking the codependency.

She said that twice I used the word "gift" in reference to my XH cheating/divorcing me, and she said that was a HUGE "reframing of the trauma" and one of the most important milestones I have passed.

So I hope some of this might help some of you too...it cost me 195.00 and it would be nice if it would help more than just me, ha ha :-)

[Kimmerz]

Hi Antonia,
Wow thanks for sharing that! I had no idea how that could work in regards to sleepless nights. My problems is I tend to crash hard for 3 -4 hours, and then wide awake for an hour or maybe the rest of the night. I'll be ok, but then start to hit bottom towards the end of my day at work.

[AntoniaB]

Oh Kara I love the "climbing an emotional Everest" phrase!!

Yes my activities are solitary. I do needlework too...solitary!

Your post is so interesting because at my doctor appt today she asked me if I ever felt really at peace, and I said yeah, in meditation GROUP. She asked why. I said "I think it is the presence of the other people. They make me calm."

So in light of that and what you said, it does seem like group interaction is important...see I was in a really good spot in Spring, but I was teaching. I have wondered if half my problem right now is that I'm not teaching. I think I get a lot from it...the interaction with people. It's been hard to do that sort of thing now as I"m so conscious of "they're paying my full time salary now for me to write this book", but I can do a little more till I get back to teaching without it impacting the book work. Two guys in our meditation group do this drum circle thing after our class is done, right down the street. I was told I should go, and I was like "no, that's not for me." But maybe it is? I can start there.

I think I am going to try to do yoga more regularly for the tension.

Also...there is a needlework group that meets once a month about an hour from me, and you can take your work and just sit with stitchers. Maybe I could do that.

I am going to go over to a colleague's house this weekend to help her organize her books (she just moved). I had to offer to help her 3 times, but eventually she sent me an email and said "hey, how about this weekend?"

Maybe people just aren't used to me being so friendly yet and it's taking awhile ;-)

[AntoniaB]

Kimmerz that is exactly my pattern too of falling asleep then waking up, and my sister has the same problem. Some of it can be biological, of course, esp. for women in their late 30's early 40s, but for anyone with emotional difficulties it is worse. My sister's MIL is going to die any day now of cancer...hence, her sleeplessness is worse than ever.

So I hope your sitch turns around and if you follow any of this stuff let me know how it works for you.

[AntoniaB]

Well I did what the doctor said, and when I woke up each time, I actually just stayed in bed and kept repeating to myself that it was ok that I wasn't alseep, that anyone in my position would surely have sleepless nights, and that it was trying to teach me something and eventually I would understand. This basically kept me from ever waking up fully, and I'd just turn over and fall asleep again.

Till the nightmare. Now I see why my doc said the subconscious keeps you awake to protect you. Wow. I have only had a few sporadic nightmares since XH left, but this one was pretty darn meaningful and creepy.

First part: I was working in an office. I went to a different part of the building and walked in. There were men working there and the atmosphere was super-relaxed. I ended up chatting in a room with men, sitting on this large sort of futon with one guy in a suit. Someone put a blanket over me and him waist down. Maybe it was him. He started trying to touch me under the blanket. I realized I had a dress on and lots of layers on top but nothing under the dress. I gently pushed him away. He persisted. Eventually I forcibly pushed him away, got up and left, but on the way out I made sure to get this little white kitten that was mine to "save" it. He had an orange kitten and said it was stronger than mine. But I got away. I was afraid he'd come after me.

Part two, I go into this large Victorian house. It is snowing. I am worried that this guy is coming after me. I am trying to put all my layers back on...I've got like all the clothes I own on my back, and it's really bulky. I ask someone if there is a bathroom where I can change. Really I'm trying to get underwear on underneath and maybe less layers as it is hard to move. Someone (a woman) says yes. I go in a room. But it turns out it's not a bathroom. I still get myself "sorted" and walk out to sit on a couch next to my mom. I realize that there is a threatening man and we have to get out of there. I tell her get your things we need to leave. She keeps hesitating. I realize that "he" is coming back, and we have to go. I can't find all my stuff. I realize my shoes are missing. I say "let's go." It's a blizzard out, and I know that you can't run in snow with no shoes for long but it's urgent. I get to the door to run and turn and look and mom is sitting on this couch, sobbing, and she won't leave. And then I turn as the door opens and "the man" (not the man from before, a different one, fairly young guy) walks in. I pick up the nearest thing, like a can of something, and try to hit him, and he hits me first in the head and I go down, unconcsious.

Then I wake up.

As I am waking up, the FIRST thought I had was of the fire. When I was about 3 or 4, there was a fire across the street from my house, like a garage caught fire. My brother and I were sleeping. My dad woke us up so we could watch. I remember being scared out of my wits that it would "come across the street and get our house." My dad said that it wouldn't. Then I remember saying that even if this fire didn't get us, another one would. My dad insisted nothing would EVER get me, because he was always watching. I said "how?" He said "because I work shift work. Because I'm always awake. I never sleep. Nothing will ever happen to you."

The other nightmare I've had from time to time, is that there is a fire, and I'm trying to find all my cats and save them. I had that dream with XH living here, but he would help. The dream became more scary when it was just me.

When I think about going away, I often talk myself into staying home, because I think that the "worst thing that could happen" is no longer XH leaving, but a fire, losing everything but especially my girls.

NO WONDER I feel like my skin is ripped off and I feel so vulnerable. That dream shows complete fear of being sexually or physically assaulted, despite my own efforts, because I am a woman and alone. And it shows me trying to help my mom and her collapsing. And it shows me trying to save my "young" in a tenuous situation.

I have never consciously felt "scared" living in my house alone because the environment is so familiar, and with my boy cat, I even felt like my XH was still "here." When he died, I lost that. Now these fears are at the surface. Well that's good, but how to banish them? Or can't they be banished if they are ingrained from childhood?

My friend whose husband died when she was in her 40s said that since then she has nightmares, infrequently, but has them, of someone "getting" her. Her new husband lives overseas part of the year. She only has them when he is overseas. This is an accomplished and very formidable woman in the workplace, and the "little girl" comes out in her subconscious.

But anyway, there it is. There's the fear. Can I sleep now? ;-)