First time here

[25yearsmlc]

how are you doing now?

Just checking in...


((( )))

[obb]

Thanks for checking in, we are actully slowly getting back on track. We have been doing the in house seperation thing for about a week and half now. H says he has really missed us. He has been calling and texting me during the day and asking to spend time with me. I am loving it, but scared that things are going to fall apart at any moment. He has told several time thank you for the time from all the relationship talk. So for now things are moving in the right direction. I am just very worried about thing falling back to our old patterns and ending up right back where we started.

[luvless]

be careful - the walk away spouse is very wishy washy about what they want.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for checking in, we are actully slowly getting back on track.

considering you were on the fast track to divorce, I'd say this is major PROGRESS... You are allowed to feel good about that!

have you turned it all around and fixed everything??
Is it 'ALL GOOD' now? No...Of course not. We get it. You get that.

But um, hello? The fast track on the divorce train has SLOWED DOWN...and for THAT, you should pat yourself on the back (discreetly, and to yourself of course...but we over here on this DB site, we are APPLAUDING your first milestone...can you hear us? clap clap clap!! ...)

We have been doing the in house seperation thing for about a week and half now. H says he has really missed us. He has been calling and texting me during the day and asking to spend time with me.

well, THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!!! this is wonderful...savor it. You are probably on a rollercoaster and may be, for some time. But hey, enjoy the sights (blessings) when the roller coaster is fun. Part of the healing and restoration of your marriage will and must entail

learning to be grateful and to feel it and "wallow in it" with every bit of energy we allow ourselves to wallow in anger or self pity. Ever notice that when we're angry, it can get our FULL 100% attention and every ounce of energy---BUT

if we are feeling joyful, we often allow fears or doubts or some other "offsetting" negative in our life to creep in...why do we do that?

Why do we deflect from obvious blessings and not allow ourselves to fully experience the joys life does give us?

Feeling joy does not mean we are taking a risk! It does not increase the chance of something bad happening to us; it's just the opposite!!

But I've had to consciously change that in myself. I used to "worry" about being happy, as if there was a demi-God up there, waiting for me to be content and then he'd toss a wrench in the engine to make sure my life was always in turmoil or crisis. But the real GOD, or the universe, does not work that way.

It's okay to be happy and feel loved. It's crazy to turn away from it...and probably wrong.




I am loving it, but scared that things are going to fall apart at any moment.

well, Do not let your fears bring about the very thing you fear...

it's an ironic but common occurence.


He has told several time thank you for the time from all the relationship talk. So for now things are moving in the right direction. I am just very worried about thing falling back to our old patterns and ending up right back where we started.

see above and keep up the good work. And Avoid the R talk!!!

Do what works and dont' do what does not work....simple but true.

((( )))

[obb]

H wants to take me away for a few days this weekend. Most of my friends and family say it is to soon and we should not go. I am not so sure. I feel like if something is going to happen it will weather we are home or somewhere else. I am just thinking nothing will happen and I can feel happy for 48 hours.

[25yearsmlc]

H wants to take me away for a few days this weekend. Most of my friends and family say it is to soon and we should not go. I am not so sure. I feel like if something is going to happen it will weather we are home or somewhere else. I am just thinking nothing will happen and I can feel happy for 48 hours.

IF and only IF you can shelve ALL the pain and anger you feel, (AND NOT drink), and "stay in the moment", you can have 48 hours of creating memories so you can give him something to think about and something to miss if he chooses to wander for a bit, --- and something to hold onto if he's wondering about what a fresh start would look like.

Not sure what your family fears...that you two will have a blow up?

How hard is it for you not to have one?

I once reluctantly went to a conference with h and our 2 d's, 8 weeks before H was planning to move to the tundra and thereby end our m.

I balked at going and "being fakey" and making nice when I was SO hurt and mad. Felt awkward and false...and like I was rewarding h for something selfish he was going to do.


But the DB coach said to "give him something to miss" AND more importantly to give the kids a good memory. Since I really thought it would be our last vacation together - I determined that I'd be "Mother Teresa Kind", i'd bring NOTHING of the past up unless it was a good memory, and I'd be a SAINT!!!

I'd lose ALL the anger for the 4 days, "STOP SIGN" in my head when negative thoughts entered, and believe it or not, knowing I could "always be mad LATER"

actually helped me get through the 4 days without a single incident or harsh word. I began to see h thru different eyes, like being grateful for what he taught our d's instead of thinking he was being nerdy and monopolizing the conversation....see my point? Same behavior but I was seeing it differently...and then it changed too.

And you know what? We had a great time. The girls have great memories of Palm Springs and after only a day or so of seeing my h in the best possible light, HE began to act differently...and so did I. We relaxed, for one thing. No pressure. NO "make it or break it" for the 4 days. Just enjoying each other's company. That's all. Being flexible and staying in the moment ("Be here now")--no futurizing...no dragging up the past....

can YOU do that?

I figured I could just put aside ALL the crap, for a few days!


And what I got was a glimpse of what forgiveness could look like, and so did he.

What starting fresh might mean...and I definitely gave him something to miss.

So if and only if, you can pull that off, I say go for it.

But if it is too soon FOR YOU, then put it off for another set time so he doesn't think you are rejecting the idea. Give him a "better date" and don't say it's b/c you are not yet comfortable with him.

IF YOU are not ready to lose the anger for a few days, tell him you are sure working on it and that you are getting there. He's trying to confirm that he's not nuts to have hope. He wants the magic back...

He's putting in effort, right? So why make him climb Mt Everest?

I might be misinterpreting your family's concerns...are they wanting you to punish him MORE? (not helpful at all, and don't share all the negative things he says to you, with them)

OR

do they fear you two will go at it and fight without end, etc?

What do YOU think?

[obb]

My family just wants to see me happy, that all. They are tired of me hurting. I guess its easy for them to say walk away, they are not the ones that have to do it.

I love the idea of living in the moment. I am going to do that and push the negative thoughts out when they come and focus on my family. I think it would be good to give him something to miss. I so want the fresh start and I am going to give him a glimpse of it too!!! I know for sure that I can do it. Thanks so much for the great insight and advice.

[obb]

H went out last night with a buddy to some bars and boy do i see a change in him today. He has been very sweet and he has pulled back for sure. I feel like with every step forward is a step back. Going to keep the DB things going. It worked when i pulled back and gave him space so going to continue with that. We had plans to go away for the weekend and that got changed. No sitter. Plus he is not going away with us for the first part of our thanksgiving trip. That makes me useasy but what can i do.? Just not feeling like we are in a good place today. Who knows what the weekend will bring?

[obb]

Things are really going good with H and I. We are no longer doing the in house seperation thing. That lasted for 2 weeks. He has been super sweet, wanting to hold my hand all the time and cuddling with me at night. We have still not had any real relationship talk. I am not sure if we should rehash the past or just move forward. I still get upset when he goes out, but with trust broken that is going to take time to get comfortabke with. I am still living for me and back to doing things with my friends and myself. We are also continuing with theapy once a week. Sessions have been good, but that is the only time we relationship talk. So things are good but i feel like i am waiting for something to happen or for us to fall back into old patterns.
I am rereading DR just to be sure i continue to stay focused.

[obb]

Well here I am again. We were trying to put things back together and now I found out today that he is still see the other woman. We have been in therapy and he has been lying there about things between us. In our sessions he says things are great between us and all this time he has been with her still. I asked him to leave this morning cause I could not have him here anymore. It was such a slap in the face. Now I do not know what to do. I still love him and want us to work out, but he just will not give up the girl. Please give me advice. I am so at a loss