After wife's surprise 40th Birthday party on the 8th, I naturally initiated sex, she was tipsy as was I. She refused and I pouted a little. I prodded her and I don't know if it was the alcohol or something else but it all came out. I got the "I love you but are not in love with you", I want a divorce and I just don't think this can work and I have been miserable for years. She drifts off to sleep and I lay there horrified. A super confident, successful guy, with two great kids, a stunning wife, nice house and it's about to be torn apart. So next morning over coffee I think maybe she was not serious, well she was, steely eyed she looked at me and says, We need to talk about how to make this amicable. The most horrid feeling came over me, it was sinking in. After a week of hell, depression , black thoughts, unable to work, eat, sleep I begin the begging and pleading phase. She sits through each pathetic talk resolved and cold. I am stunned, who replaced my wife with this alien. She spews out the reasons, I worked too much, was quick with the kids, condescending, I had gotten out of shape, she was not that attracted to me anymore. A whole laundry list of hurtful and hateful excuses and reasons.
Well I decide to try phone counseling after reading another site. My wife does her session, she gets off the phone mocking and skeptical and says she won't do that again. She says it would be more productive to talk about an amicable split. So my radar goes off..OM alert, OM alert. My individual therapist I went to see about my depression says that it is rare for women to just ask for a abrupt separation without a fallback guy. So I go a snooping. I realized she is very protective of her cell phone and texts constantly(Red Flag #1), and she erases her texts constantly as I was able to get up late one night and check them. I review our phone bill, nothing suspicious, no funny numbers nothing. My wife has lost 50lbs, dresses more stylish and I would say borderline provocative, she spends more time grooming.(Red Flag #2). She is a black belt in martial arts and the last year has grown quit a circle of male and female friends there(Red Flag #3) and I think developed an inappropriately close relationship with her Master, a very Alpha male meathead, who is engaged. She does personal training with him alone in the studio once a week.(Red flag #4) I snoop and snoop some more and nada, used a VAR in her car, followed her, even checked her panties for semen, nada. Well stupid me asks her and she professes no way, she says "You wish it was someone else". I said so a few months after our D I won't be seeing any relationship with you and some guy. She says..well no but I can't promise.(Red Flag #5, roll out the new guy after and make it seem you weren't a cheating tramp all along)
So she is full steam ahead with the divorce, seems happy as a clam, buoyant, friendly and even flirty. We have a joint first meeting with an attorney tomorrow. She is fast tracking the thing and will not consider counseling. She keeps telling me, look this will be good for you, you are unhappy to you just hate change. Yea the change were she blackmails me with the kids, we cannot afford two three bedroom apartments, so I had to make the Hobson's choice of allowing her to stay here after the D with me owning the house and her renting. I hate this, I still feel like crap, my self esteem crushed, my ego gone. My own wife does not want me anymore. She is deluded and thinks a divorce will be just great, I can meet some hot thing and have sex every night like I want and according to her, she can find herself and raise the kids.
I have read all kinds of books and tried different strategies to break the fog. I realize now and through my Pastor, it's useless, her heart is hardened and only through time and prayer the Lord will impress it on her to be married to me or not. I was going to get DR, as I am moving out next month but wonder if this thing is hopeless, am I just going to retard my healing process and keep false hope alive and look pathetic and clingy to my kids and my wife, being a sniveling, grovelling, wonder what she is thinking basketcase. I love my wife, I think deep down she loves me too, whether some other guys Johnson or her delusions of grass is greener made her like this ...who knows.
I'm sorry you are in such pain. We are here to support you and help you work through solutions.
Mostly, right now, I'm worried about YOU. Let's just take care of you right now.
It's really important to eat a few bites of nutritious food, even if you don't feel like it, and find a way to sleep. Find a way to do a little exercise. If you can't--it's time to see a doctor. Don't worry about her words, her actions right now. Your pastor is right, she's in a fog.
So--time to put your own oxygen mask on first---take care of yo, so you can take care of your marriage.
