I want to get your opinion, or anyone else who drops in, because your sitch and mine are pretty close. My H isn't spending enough time with the kids, and they are feeling it. For Example he came over last night for Trick or treating but spent no time with the kids just chatting with neighbors and tonight is his night to see the kids but told them since he came over last night that tonight he has stuff to do. S7 asked what and H tells him laundry.... Laundry... Because the kids were at his house so late on Sunday, 4:30, he couldn't do his laundry.
It took everything I had not to punch him in the face. I can't decide if I should sit down with him and talk about it or is it even worth my time, he doesn't listen to me anyway. I don't care if he doesn't want to see me, I am fine with that at this point I don't want to see him either but why is he like that with the boys? They didn't do anything.
Hmmm, that is tough! He really should be spending time with the kids.
I don't think I'm familiar with your sitch so it is hard to give advice. Maybe just do your best when you are with the kids so that he sees how well they are doing and feels like he needs to get in on the action.
If you do choose to talk to him about it, then pick the right time/place or try a different medium (email) to tell him what the issue is. Be sure though to do it from as much of a neutral posture as possible so that he doesn't immediately check out. Maybe validate his feelings (as much as you might have to bite your tongue till it bleeds) in such a way that he begins to understand the impact his behavior is having on the kids.
Hope this is helpful. I'm sure there are other perspectives.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I want to get your opinion, or anyone else who drops in, because your sitch and mine are pretty close. My H isn't spending enough time with the kids, and they are feeling it. For Example he came over last night for Trick or treating but spent no time with the kids just chatting with neighbors and tonight is his night to see the kids but told them since he came over last night that tonight he has stuff to do. S7 asked what and H tells him laundry.... Laundry... Because the kids were at his house so late on Sunday, 4:30, he couldn't do his laundry.
It took everything I had not to punch him in the face. I can't decide if I should sit down with him and talk about it or is it even worth my time, he doesn't listen to me anyway. I don't care if he doesn't want to see me, I am fine with that at this point I don't want to see him either but why is he like that with the boys? They didn't do anything.
Hi Paige, I guess I'm in a different place from you emotionally right now. At first I was extremely angry at STBX for his actions/inactions/relationship with our kids, I felt grief for them, sadness and loss. But, eventually I came to the realization that nothing I could say or do will change what is..that's on him. My STBX's relationship with our kids is his own and I have no influence over how he parents, what he chooses or how he treats them. Ultimately, I have very bright children and they will figure out at some point whether their Dad is worth THEIR time and energy, and they already have to a large degree.
What I did do is tell my kids hey you and me, we're a team, we need to work together, I can't do this alone, I need your cooperation and help, we need to help and love each other and do the best we can ( there has been significant reorganization of all our lives.)
Paige recognize this, if your H is in MLC like mine is, your H. CAN'T care about anyone but himself. The noise in his own head is so freaking loud he can't take any more input, not from you, not from anyone. He is actually incapable of being selfless, thoughtful, and empathetic to your kids, let alone prioritizing relationship over work/drudgery.
My STBX has done the same thing as you can see in my thread here.
The good news is Paige, eventually you will reach the point where you get to decide if this man is still worth your time and energy as he is now, you get to decide if you're willing to wait for him to get out of his self absorption/neglect of others, and regardless you will be moving forward with your own lives, with or without him. You will reach the point where your emotions toward him are that of a work acquaintance. His behaviour will be something to shrug off and say...that's his problem to deal with.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
"I can't decide if I should sit down with him and talk about it or is it even worth my time, he doesn't listen to me anyway."
Sit down and talk to him. However, before you do so, stop thinking to yourself that he won't listen to you. When you do that, you will automatically assume the worst and your attitude will reflect that. When you appear calm and clear he will listen.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. Bond does have a valid point. As for me, I've said all I have to say to STBX, any more is noise.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
If you're going to try to tell him what he should be doing, that conversation may not be successful.
Good communication is to explain how you are feeling and listen to what his response is, and go from there. Don't predetermine what the correct response from him is.
For me, I had a similar conversation with my H and it started, "I feel afraid for how your relationship is going to be, because of this example where son acted sad and let down. Do you have concern about that?"
I brought a couple of my examples to my T expecting her to agree with my outrage, and I was shocked that she didn't rush to my side. Perhaps I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Perhaps if I thought he was being legally negligent I should make sure of my facts and then see if he was aware of them and if he thinks he might choose differently in the future, or if we could agree on a compromise. My complaints were different from yours (and yours was heartwrenching to me as I read it), but the basic gist was dads are different, different people parent differently, I don't get to control every interaction, no major harm done, etc etc. In my case, I think I learned a lesson about toning down my sense of outrage and being more open to a conversation expressing my potentially unreasonable fears, rather than beating him over the head with my vastly superior wisdom.
Another thing I learned is my H has to forge his own relationship with his kids. I can express my concerns if I'm willing to listen to him in return. But it's far better for the kids to express their disappointments to him directly and let him negotiate things with them. They need to have their own relationship.
Third, you might make suggestions to the kids - are they old enough to offer to "help" him do his laundry so he can spend time with them and get his chores done? They should be having LIFE with their dad, not just Disneyworld quality time.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
