Welcome to the community. You will be monitored for a little bit, but don't get discouraged if your posts seem to take a bit long to show up. Come every chance you have to post, b/c that not only helps you....but us also. It's a community of people who can share with very, VERY common experiences. Some learn....some don't. Some M makes it...some don't. But if you'll stick with the board, you will receive information that will give you the tools to survive the roller coaster ride. Yes, marriages can make it. But you are the only one in your M that has shown up, and this will be advice for you only. Don't share what you learn with your W. That's kind of like showing the opposing team the game book (or whatever it's called).
Do your children stay in their home, or with your W?
You said you were going to fight for the M. What are your thoughts or ideas of "fighting for the M"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, the main reason I came to this board is because I keep doing the wrong things, trying to talk to her about the r, which keeps pushing her away. I just did it again yesterday. I had made it over a week without doing this too. The kids are currently with me, but as soon as she moves in her new apartment, the d will move in with her, I am not sure about my s yet. I am hoping he stays with me. I don't have a problem with him spending a lot of time there if he decides to stay with me though. Although my w is in a different place in her mind than me, she is still a wonderful mother.I don't know if she really heard me a couple of weeks ago when I said that, but I believe this with all my heart and soul. You said some come here to learn and others don't, I am now a Student - waiting to be fed the knowledge that is needed.
Right now I have done everything wrong to fight for my marriage, so I am here to learn from others the correct way to go about this. Like others, I have never been in this situation. I am like a little baby trying to walk, I have fallen every time I have tried to walk and when I fell, I landed really hard on my w. I am finding out that the more I think I am discussing something logical with her, it is always interpreted totally opposite. Whats worse each time I do what I think is right by talking about the r, I keep pushing her backwards. It is time to stop pushing and start using ways to pull her this way. No More r talk.
Has anyone been able to bring their marriage back from this darkness?
I was a WAW in my M. I was also involved in an emotional affair with a man I met over the Internet. Turns my stomach to think about it now. If not for my own personal experience, I would probably have a very different view point. The people who helped me were right here. I think they're all gone for the most part, b/c they have moved on with their M's. The reason some of us are still hanging out here is to hopefully pay forward for the help we received.
Guess I was a little out of the norm, considering my stitch, b/c the majority are the left behind spouses. Anyway, it saved my M of many years. So, a lot of what I may say is based on what I've learned.
Since you've read the Walk-out Woman, you probably have some idea of why women leave their M. The female ties so much of who she is and what she believes a R is all about....on emotions. Women are emotional creatures. Some just have a more outward show of their feelings than others do, but we all have them. When her emotional needs are not met for a really long time, then she tries to find a way of surviving. She may find some outlet to make her feel needed, happy, or special. Some are able to stay in a MR for the sake of the kids, or religious beliefs, etc., but sometimes the "emptiness" gets too unbearable and they feel they have to escape in order to live.
It doesn't mean the H is a bad man, or a bad H. Doesn't mean she suffered from any abuse whatsoever. It means she has felt dead on the inside for so long that her last attempt at living will have to be apart from him. That's why in so many cases, you will find depression linked with the WAW.
Depression and resentment. She pushed resentment down in her heart for so long that she doesn't even seem like the same person. Of course, we women have to deal with a lot of hormone changes our entire life! So, that has a big bearing on us. As with me, those hormones just stop producing what our bodies need and it "can" change a woman into something out of a horror movie.
So anyway, not trying to sound like I'm making any excuses for a WAW, but just trying to explain how a foundation can be laid years before she actually walks away. BTW, she doesn't have to physically leave the home to be a WAW. It's all in her heart/mind. That's what determines if she's a WAW. I never left my home, but you would never find a woman any colder to her H than I was.
First of all, don't panic. You will not make good decisions out of fear. You'll have to remind yourself to refuse to allow the fear to control you. A WAW can practically "smell" fear in the LBH. That makes her even colder, and meaner, than ever. I'll be telling you things that are a turn-off to WAW.
Don't try to fix her. Wow, but that's a hard task for you guys b/c you're natural fixers. She doesn't want to be fixed by you. She may not believe she needs to be fixed at all, but trust me.....she will turn on you and that will push her away if you persist.
Don't try to change her mind. You will desire to try and talk her out of leaving you, but as you've discovered....it makes her resolve even stronger. So, you are actually "fighting" for your M....by not trying to change her mind. She already has her defense wall constructed and the more you talk about the R, the higher and thicker that wall will go.
I can already hear you saying, "But what can I do? I can't just sit there and watch her walk out of my life". You will not be idle, okay? You're just going to handle this differently than you expected. It won't even seem natural to you, but it will be the best way.
Your work begins now. Think of how you once were before getting M. What qualities did hold that drew your W's attention? She must have admired something in you to choose you to M. Men tend to have a goal, project, or target in view when going down through life. You do the same with the girl you M. Your first goal was to get her to go out with you. Goal accomplished, then you look at the next step, etc. I really believe that is one reason men tend to get a bit too relaxed after M. They did whatever it took to get the girl and ride off into the sunset, so mission completed! But for her....it had just begun. She thought you would be like that guy forever. So, go find him! Well, as much as you liked, and the rest you can improve.
The point is to turn your focus away from your WAW and on to yourself. We're not talking about being selfish, but rather think about entering yourself into boot camp at DBing and how your M, and family, will benefit due to your progress.
Make yourself goals. Break them down to attainable weekly goals in order to reach the larger ones. This is an important part of finding a sense of self-respect/worthiness, and serenity. Within those weekly goals, force yourself to get out of that house and spend time with friends who have a positive affect on your feelings. Don't discuss the M problems. They will say things against your W, b/c they are "your" family & friends. Do your talking here. Get your support here.
Base getting a life around fun things, entertainment, spiritual, etc. Do the things you've always enjoyed but just haven't done it lately. This does not have to exclude your children, but you certainly don't want to take all your free time with the kids. That doesn't mean you love them less by taking time away from them. I think some dads on here tend to think they're doing something wrong if it's not with their kids. Don't let guilt lead your decisions with your W or children during this ordeal.
Take a day at a time. This will not end quickly. It will take a long time. You must be very patient. Never have expectations where your W is concerned. That is where some men fall down. They will do something and then expect a certain response from the WAW. They set themselves up for disappointment. Do not ever think she is giving you a cue to push for "more" just b/c she acts nice or the two of you have a long conversation. NEVER!
This is not the girl you married.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thanks sandi2 for the help, the more insight you can give, the better off I will be. Like you said she is not like my original wife. She will be really hard to reach. Her wall is pretty big and thick. If I didn't love her so much, I guess I wouldn't be here and trying even though there is so much pain. Not just mine but hers.
She only stops by the house when I am not around. She stopped in today and picked up a couple of things. Left me a note and a check to get me to pay a couple of bills online. Funny she didn't say please on the note. She doesn't have internet yet. I txt her I would take care of it. She replied thank you and when she gets her house and internet she will be able to take care of them. Its kind of funny how you mentioned about expectations/responses. On the note she left there was no thank you, but she txt me a thank you. Both mean nothing.
One goal I would like, is for us both just be able to be around each other without her worrying about me talking about r and will be able to look at me. I am taking your advice on the r talk. The next person to bring it up, will be her. Since she left, she hasn't been able to make any eye contact.
sandi2, can you give me some insight on the lack of eye contact. Since you are giving me info from the other point of view. Is this something you went through also. Why is there such a difficulty with this? Is it because of the hurt and pain, the anger toward me, is she afraid I will pick up something she is hiding, because she is uncomfortable with me or her decision, is she afraid she will let her guard down and show some emotions for me that she is trying to keep hid, or other possibilities?
Also, from a WAW point of view, even though you are putting on this strong front for everyone, are you still struggling internally with the idea I still love the h/w even though they keep telling them and everyone else I don't, am I doing the right thing,etc. I guess what I am saying, what kind of internal struggles continue for the WAW or in this case you after you walk. I have read that the WAW initially rewrites everything or a lot of it to help justify their reasons.
What are some of the things you told your h when you went through this? I want to compare notes.
It seems like the first thing I hear from people when I tell them we are separated or what I read online about these types of stich - they always ask if she is having an affair or the online stuff says there is ea or pa. If there is, I guess I will have to deal with that when I cross that bridge. Right now I need to concentrate on me and the things I learn here to get her to start looking around, under or over her wall.
I was once a WAW. I went to my first H and told him that I was unhappy in our marriage. He changed for about 3 weeks, then he went right back to being himself. He was never home for me or our 3 kids. So, a year later I told him that I wanted a separation. He was very upset. He begged, pleaded and cried for me not to leave. I told him that I came to you a year ago and told you how I felt and you did nothing. So now I need the space. Well, I moved out. But he called me everyday to fight with me. What he did not realize was the more he pursued me, he was pushing me farther away. Then oneday I got very tired of it and I filed for the D. We are now best friends. He makes a great friend than a husband.
And now, I am the LBW. I started to the same thing with my second H when he walked out. Then one day, I was thinking about my first marriage and how my H pursued me. I was doing the exact same thing. When I realized that, I went dark. I was dark about 6 wks, then my husband started to text me and then calling me. We had lunch and even spent a couple of Saturdays ago together. Last night I invited him over for Thanksgiving and he said he would love to come. I have made some needed changes and he can see that. So going dark, really works.
Hopeful321 did you give your husband the ILYBNILWY speech. I am fighting major odds right now. Like I said before, she says she is happy now and as soon as she moves in her place, she will be more happy because she will be able to spend more time with the kids. Right now as I typing, my d is cleaning out different drawers in her room to get ready for the move. That really stinks. I am not going to talk to her about the marriage anymore, just things revolving the kids. My wife ran right out and got the papers.
Are you telling your husband still had a chance if he would have just shut up.
I had a really bad moment last night and woke up about 1 and had all kind of things raising through my mind. One of my problems is I need to get a job with benefits because the work I do now, I don't have benefits, especially medical. I am on my wife's medical.
Since this has went on, I had to get on meds for blood pressure and anxiety.
Right now she is 100% about not keeping the family together and I am 100% for it.
But for her....it had just begun. She thought you would be like that guy forever. So, go find him! Well, as much as you liked, and the rest you can improve.