I've been away from here for several weeks because it didn't 'feel' like the place to be. I've grown some and lost some of that growth. I'm in a bit of a grey area as it seems and it's changed my perception on my growth. Seems I've not done a lot GAL'ing as I had originally thought.
The "Grey Area" I'm talking about is that for several weeks now my wife has spoken to me. She even looks at me when talking. She has called me on several occasions on her way home from work to inform me of her errands she needs to run and if we needed anything. She has even gone about baking and cooking more in the past several weeks than she's done in over a year. My lovely wife is showing signs of who she was before my job stress assisted the deteriorating of our relationship.
This all sounds great, but the "Grey Area" comes from the cold fact that she still sleeps in the living room. It would seem she's adamant that there is no future for us and yet she's content to be around me more than she has for a very long time.
I've re-read over and over again the "Six Stages" and I just don't see "Acceptance" on her part. I don't think she's at that stage or even if she's on the cusp. She's different, but the same and this is harder for me than being the obvious target of much of her anger. Ugh!
Where I've grown the most lately is coming to terms that her need isn't another man. I think I've come to the understanding, with help of reading books, that her struggle is with aging. She's having trouble with getting older and I don't know how to help. My son told her that I said she was sexy and she got angry and told him not to say that. It may have been a bit much to say to him at the time, but I said it to my son in a candid moment.
I'm struggling with wanting to be there for her/maintaining my happy place/ and being the target of resentment. I don't always know if I'm doing enough or not doing enough. I don't want to make things worse, but I also want to embrace her easing up on the anger. I just don't know when or if I'm putting pressure on her. I'm struggling with letting go enough to 'fully' enjoy any positive signs. It feels like I've been trained to expect a certain way and now the rug keeps getting yanked out from under me, but also occasionally put back. Without her actually talking to me about us, I'm more confused now than ever.
Is there an instruction manual for the grey area somewhere?
I fear it is me that is responsible for the negatives. Anger begets anger and I'm not happy right now so my wife is hostle and has left now that the kids have gone to bed.
I was out of town this weekend with one son and she was here with the other. Her text's to me were at times were similar to saying "Thanks for nothing" - yes that is a personal interpretation of an impersonal form of media. I stayed with her parents and even though they know the waters are troubled they, and I, just go on 'as-if'. My mood when my wife came home this afternoon after my son and I had been home for a few hours was most likely seen as passive aggressive.
I had set about being busy with cleaning the house and doing laundry since it appears as though nothing was done but to mess the house up. When I was finished I went into my room, with the door left open, I went about studying for this weeks classes.
She said almost nothing to me as expected. But when the kids were off to bed she asked if I left her any gas in her car from the weekend. I told her half tank and she rolled her eyes and proclaimed that the filled up my car past the full line today. I was instinctively angry immediatly. I just spent more money than I had on my son's trip so that he could keep up appearances with his peers and within our family. I'm flippin' broke and I spent over $200 in gas over a weekend! I have nothing on my credit cards beyond $20 between the two and all I got was a remark that made me feel like a selfish poop head!
Needless to say I bit back my anger and told her politely that I just need to see what's left in my account after stuff clears in a day or two and I will take care of it.
My wife wants out of our marriage. She was clear on that and sleeping in the living room for the past many months keeps focus on that. I'm determined to make hopes and dreams become realities, even if that means I'm not part of her future. I'm taking medical bills as they come in and I'm paying them off as uber fast as I can and if that means leaving me with $50 a day after payday to last me two weeks, I do it. She doesn't know that I'm doing this and I'm not telling her or anyone. She wants to get out of debt so we can afford to seperate so I'm doing what I can for her so she can accomplish what she feels she needs to accomplish.
If through this process her stress levels mellow out, so be it. I pray every night that she will find love and happiness even if it's not with me. I'm so frustrated with being made to feel like a jerk most every passing glance or text. I'm so angry right now. I'm going to log out now and do something I never do. I'm going to cry. I'm going to make myself cry if I have too, but I need to cuz I just feel like too much is building inside me and I hate being angry and/or frustrated. It's just not helping my relationship with my wife.
I am sorry you are going through this. I think you are doing a great job. There is no rhyme or reason to this stuff but you are keeping your head above water. I am well into the 4th year of this stuff. Handling things cool and calmly is what counts even though you would love to rip her apart. You have to find that peace within to survive, it most certainly will not come from her. Know that you are not alone in this journey.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I've not been to the forums in a while and i have a question.
I received some information on some books and threads to read and I've been through a bunch of it. My question is on material pertaining to material addressing the aspect of MLC where the spouse with MLC is convinced their spouse is the source of their problems. I'm looking for more understanding as a way of finding support.
My B-in-law and S-in-law came into town this past weekend to talk to my wife and find out why she decided to poop on the "home for the holiday's" tradition we've always had. The back story being that nobody called my wife on Thanksgiving so she poo-pooed the idea of coming home for Christmas. I sent her a text telling her happy Thanksgiving, but didn't call because I figured she didn't want to talk to me anyways so I don't know if I was included in the "nobody called" list. I was ordered by my wife to take the kids up to the in-laws for Christmas without her. Until MLC stepped in, my wife has been so very very close to her family and her not being there would be very hurtful to all parties. Sooooo...
B & S came to town and, knowing my wife would think I set up the whole thing, they defended me by proclaiming I had no knowledge of their arrival ( not true ). The weekend was so nerve wracking. My in-laws got to see my wife's anger first hand as I've been seeing it for the past year and a half. You know, the whole "It's my time now" anger based on what she's done for everyone else over the years. She's never had any fun and always had to sacrifice what she wanted for everyone else. I don't know the specifics of what was talked about and I don't bother thinking about it, I just know that my wife didn't look at me or talk to me the day they were here. The next day she left for several hours after the in-laws left to get a spa treatment. This is when I realized something....... She will never be happy if she can't learn to beat the anger vs. just pushing it to the side.
She was normal yesterday again. She spoke to me casually and seemed to be in a good mood. It was a 180 from the weekend. I expected it, but it's still off-putting. I want to give her a hug so bad, but I get the impression I'm like sunlight to a vampire ( and she thinks I'm the vampire ). She just can't see all that she has to be thankful for and it's not about me or our kids, but everything her life has been a part of.
I'm trying very hard to be 100% supportive of anything she does and 100% neutral everyday. I don't ever want her to see my pain and I do my best to just act as though nothing is out of the ordinary. I think that's pretty good advice that I've read here in the forums. It seems as though being 'neutral' instead of being her husband has helped her open up some. But I'm human and I hurt and I miss her. Every now and then I need some source of strength during the low times and the holiday's have been low since MLC knocked on the door. I wasn't invited to any of the Christmas parties my wife and I used to always go too together. As hard as I try to act as though nothing's wrong and nothing's different about us, she counters with "it's over. When are you going to get it?" I don't touch her or look to her for assistance or anything, I just listen when she talks and pay close attention to me not talking or offering any advice. I feel as though she's still so far away from trusting me and feels like everything I'm doing is an attempt to fix her. I'm only trying to fix me and listen and be there for her only when needed.
I've noticed too that as I've read here and in books, misery attracts misery. She seems to be a magnet for other women suffering and she takes on their search for happiness as a personal cause at times. What I've seen twice now, is my wife would invite an emotionally struggling female friend over for dinner while I'm there ( not telling me they're coming over). When the kids are off doing their thing, my wife finds a way to bring out that her friends spouse cheated on them and my wife agreeable frowns on this. I feel as though this is a warning from my wife to me and it's hurtful. I know it's only my translation of what I'm hearing at these times, but I don't know of anything I've ever done to give her the impression I have a wandering eye. As it is, I'm the one home with the kids or shuttling them around to their activities while she's out with friends. And no, the way the conversations go it is not my wife's way of letting me know she would never cheat on me. It's pretty clear that it's directed towards me.
My wife is a wonderful woman and I have to give her credit for these past few months. She almost never spoke to me for over a year and then back in August and then again in September she verbalized to how much and in what ways she resents me. Since then she's spoken to me more often in casual conversation. She calls me sometimes just to talk and she's not always in a rush to not be around me. I know she's trying. I know she has meds for anxiety that she doesn't take, but I do wonder if she would ever take them just to tolerate me. I'm crying inside for a chance to just hug my wife. Every step forward is met with a step to the side and two steps back. I want so bad to do something for her that makes her happy even if I'm not present to see her response. I just don't know what I can do. The acting "as if" isn't so helpful on the dark days, only my perception of understanding her struggle.
I'm very sorry you are hurting so badly, but n matter what color you want to paint this painful journey on the mlc path, it will not be easy. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make your wife happy. Happiness comes from within and you've got to let her grow up and learn this on her own.
Unfortunately, you will need to keep the focus on yourself and your family. Holidays are extremely tough for the lbs. Your support will come from the board and from friends and family that are there for you. Treat her as you would a friend and keep your expectations at zero at all times when it comes to her.
Please plan some outings for you and your children during the holidays. You need to find ways to keep busy so that your focus is not on her.
Again, I am very sorry you are here and your journey is still rather bumpy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know that you are right. I've read that advice so many times, but reading it and seeing it for what it is are two different things. I don't know what changed in me so many months back to be able to see advice like yours and actually do something with it, but I'm eternally grateful that it happened.
I have seen where my dark days tend to cycle with tough times in school. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed so that I can set a good example for my kids. I want them to be able to see that we really can do anything we put our minds too. I have finals this week and my nerves are on edge. I'm trying to get my GPA up so I can apply for scholarships so I don't have to use so much financial aid and I'm really worried about my finals dropping me a letter grade. Add into this that my S&B-in-laws came to town this past weekend.
I read somewhere that you should never get involved with the in-laws during the MLC reign of terror. Doing so, only looks bad in the eyes of your spouse and leaves you as the odd man out when your spouse re-establishes the connection to their family. The fact that I said anything at all to them last week has me on edge too. I only want them to know that I'm fine and I'm tending to the kids needs and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I don't feel sorry.
I'm not going to lie, my life is full of "aquaintences", but no friends. I've made sacrifices over the years to be a part of the family and now that I need a friend the most, there's nobody nearby. I don't do therapy anymore. It's not the same when I'm only giving my side of the story. Not to mention that as much as MLC has changed my wife, I know her better than the trained professional. I say that because everything they suggested I "try" or "say" I knew would not work and i went against my better judgement and got burned. My life is not an experiment to see what we can try next if an idea fails. There may not be a next.
I've never had a close relationship with my mother so that's out of the question. I'm not emotionally stable enough to take on that kind of task after 38 years. I say that knowing my mother would defend me when I would tell her that I contributed to the decline of my relationship with my wife and that's not what I want or need. My sister knows of my relationship problems, but she's about as stubborn as my wife. Even though she's very understanding and supportive, she sometimes says things about my wife's mlc that hurts.
Nobody knows my wife better than her family. I just hope that they can believe in me. I'm trying to do the right thing for everyone even if I don't know what that is. I just want to talk and I have so much to say, but nobody to talk too. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I love being with my kids so much that I feel like I would miss seeing them grow up if I went out with a friend(s). Not to mention that I want them to have some form of foundation they can count on. A constant in their lives when they see uncertainty.
Ugh! Don't mind me. It's finals week and the holidays are around the corner. I'm feeling sorry for myself and that's not what I want.
Sadak, It's okay to have family and inlaws in for visits, but try not to share too much of what is going on w/your wife right now. No matter what they say or do w/respect to her and what she's doing, she will not listen to them and will turn a deaf ear on them and think you put them up to it. The more someone tells a child not to so something, the more they are determined to do it...mlc is the same way.
Your children love you and just be yourself with them. They need to know that you are the one stable person in their lives right now.
Come here to vent or talk. This is the best place to come and journal. There are posters here all of the time and are more than willing to read, listen and respond back to you. It is a safe haven for all of us. No one in the real world will understand what you are going through unless they have walked in your shoes.
Good luck with your finals!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
