Hello everybody, I’m new here and hoping to find some answers. Over 6 months ago I started to see some changes in my wife´s behavior .I Noticed but didn´t take any action. Then on a Sunday I asked why she didn´t care about me anymore, she told me she didn´t love anymore and wanted a divorce .I knew that there was a problem but this blew me away .I got upset , angry and hurt. We´ve been together for 16 years married for 2.I´m 37 she´s 36 no children. From this point on my life has been hell. She kept on hurting me day after day .I lost a lot of weight since then. One day she suggested marriage counseling. Of course I said “no” right away, but it didn´t take me long to realize this might be a good thing.
So a few months ago we went and she started venting: In those 16 years together I´ve ignored her on a regular basis. We´ve been living at my parent´s for 10 and things got ugly, but I was too blind to see. In retrospect: She was absolutely right .Another thing she complained about, is my lack of social skills, also true. I don´t have any friends and before all this (thought), didn´t need any.
On our second session we got homework : meet each other´s needs/surprise one another. I did all I could think off; she hardly made an effort. Still we took a little trip for a weekend, but most of the time she spent on her cell talking to her friends.
Our third session was a private one .I realized what I´ve done and I know especially now how important it is to have friends. However she refused to talk to me, all she could talk about was friends and work. Meanwhile the hurting went on till I couldn´t take it anymore. So one day I asked her: ”Do you want me to leave, if so I´m gone by the end of the week.” I gave it a few days and got the answer: ”yes”. The next Sunday, I packed my stuff and went to my parent´s.(no other place to go). It was a very emotional day, she left when I was gathering my things. It was too painful for her. On the moment I actually left she cried and kissed me good-bye. Since there was still one session planned, I told her I was gonna be there no matter what.
Fourth session: She showed up which was a good sign I guess. Once again private sessions. The counselor gave my wife a “deadline” to figure out if she wants to go on with me. It ´s been 5 weeks now that we´re living apart and since our next appointment is within a week I would like some advice.
It has been really difficult for me: every day I go to work I pass by our little house (that I built myself). I know I have to give her space, although it´s the last thing I want. I´ve decided to take another road just to avoid her. I still love her and am hoping for a second chance. I´ve never been abusive, I don´t drink, cheat, do drugs. I ´ve always been working (too much also part of the problem) , but also to give my wife what she needs.
I´m waiting for her to call me to give an answer. Probably this will be the last day before our (last) session. What can/should I do or say? I want her back, hopefully it´s not too late. I don´t wanna give up without a fight. You don´t just erase 16 years…
Kyle 112 - hey I sympathise with your plight since I am going through this too. I would love to give you some great advise but like you I am new to this as well. However, there is a woman on this site who goes by 25yearsmlc who has given me some great advise. Look for the thread "DB'ing is sooooo hard". If you can find that it has all the advise she has shared with me. Hope it helps and hope you're okay.
Hello everybody, I’m new here and hoping to find some answers. Over 6 months ago I started to see some changes in my wife´s behavior .I Noticed but didn´t take any action. why not?
Then on a Sunday I asked why she didn´t care about me anymore, she told me she didn´t love anymore and wanted a divorce .I knew that there was a problem but this blew me away . so you were reading her mind and then she confirmed your fears? In a way can you see that you made it easier for her by doing that?
I got upset , angry and hurt. We´ve been together for 16 years married for 2.I´m 37 she´s 36 no children. so marrying was relatively recent. Why did you get married? Were you thinking of breaking up and then when that thought got too scary - changed your mind and decided to marry instead?
I'm curious bc often when couples have been together but unmarried for some time, THEN marry, there's an odd reason for it.
From this point on my life has been hell. She kept on hurting me day after day how?
.I lost a lot of weight since then. One day she suggested marriage counseling. Of course I said “no” right away, but it didn´t take me long to realize this might be a good thing. why on earth would you say "No"??
So a few months ago we went and she started venting: sometimes mc isn't that helpful if all they do is rehash the past. But you have to see it as "gathering intel" for your own personal work.
What did she SPECIFICALLY SAY bothered her? Lacking friends and ignoring her are a tad vague. How did you ignore her?
In those 16 years together I´ve ignored her on a regular basis. meaning??
We´ve been living at my parent´s for 10 and things got ugly, but I was too blind to see. In retrospect: She was absolutely right what have you learned about yourself in this? What are you working on changing in YOU?
Another thing she complained about, is my lack of social skills, also true. I don´t have any friends and before all this (thought), didn´t need any. what does this mean? Are you too blunt? Rude? Nerdy? Asperger's? What's that mean? Be specific so you can do specific 180s.
Have you read the Div Remedy book? Do so asap...
On our second session we got homework : meet each other´s needs/surprise one another. I did all I could think off; she hardly made an effort. Still we took a little trip for a weekend, but most of the time she spent on her cell talking to her friends.
Our third session was a private one .I realized what I´ve done and I know especially now how important it is to have friends. However she refused to talk to me, all she could talk about was friends and work. so what? How does that effect your efforts to get friends?
Meanwhile the hurting went on till I couldn´t take it anymore. So one day I asked her: ”Do you want me to leave, if so I´m gone by the end of the week.” I gave it a few days and got the answer: ”yes”.
you see how you made it easier on her, again, by asking for what you feared? Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy... Mistakes are not tragedies but learn from them!
The next Sunday, I packed my stuff and went to my parent´s.(no other place to go). It was a very emotional day, she left when I was gathering my things. It was too painful for her. On the moment I actually left she cried and kissed me good-bye. Since there was still one session planned, I told her I was gonna be there no matter what.
Fourth session: She showed up which was a good sign I guess. Once again private sessions. The counselor gave my wife a “deadline” to figure out if she wants to go on with me. I hate that. It's an ultimatum...so NOT DBing...
It ´s been 5 weeks now that we´re living apart and since our next appointment is within a week I would like some advice.
It has been really difficult for me: every day I go to work I pass by our little house (that I built myself). I know I have to give her space, although it´s the last thing I want. I´ve decided to take another road just to avoid her. I still love her and am hoping for a second chance. I´ve never been abusive, I don´t drink, cheat, do drugs. most women want more than a guy who is not an overt jerk, which are the behaviors you just listed...
I ´ve always been working (too much also part of the problem) , but also to give my wife what she needs. so what are you working on in YOU?
I´m waiting for her to call me to give an answer. Probably this will be the last day before our (last) session. What can/should I do or say? I want her back, hopefully it´s not too late. I don´t wanna give up without a fight. You don´t just erase 16 years…
Thank you.
GAL and do the 180s (in your case GAl IS a big 180) and read the Div Remedy book asap!
Contrast her complaints with your new behaviors...
Do NOT fuel her negative images of you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
2 hours before our session, she called me saying she wasn´t gonna show.And she didn´t.Afterwards I went to see her and asked what she wanted from me,Her answer:" more time." Told her I couldn´t do that since I´m moving on with my life.(I´m looking for another job abroad).
Today I picked up the idea to talk to her best friend.She won´t tell my wife.She also told me to move on.I´ve asked her what my wife has been up to lately.Apparently she´s been acting as a 16 year-old.Going out to bars with another friend, who is by the way only 23, having daily her hair done,useless shopping,buying stuff she does not need.However, money problems are showing up now.She can´t access our savings account:it takes both our signatures.She hasn´t tried though,neither have I.I also asked if me if there´s another man involved:she assured me there isn´t and I believe her.
Anyway,it appears to me she has issues,some sort of crises(so do I, but I´m working on it).She never discussed anything with me: work, our relationship,expectations,disappointments.She dropped the bomb and refuses to solve all these issues.What I learned is that she doesn´t open up to her best friend too.Also the sessions with our counselor did´t make much of a difference.
I left her friend´s place disappointed.I had been hoping for more answers.Passed our house on my way back and decided to stop.Took a deep breath and asked her when she wanted to file for divorce and split our savings account in 2.She replied she had to see if she could change shift with someone to go next Tuesday.Said she would call me.I left and started having second thoughts right away.Did I make a mistake.I still want to save tour marriage and help her anyway I can although it seems SHE DOESN T WANT TO BE HELPED.
Is this still fixable?!!!What do I do!!??HELP ME!!!!
To answer some of your questions:
why not?-easy, thought her "mood" would change again.
In a way can you see that you made it easier for her by doing that?-yes
so marrying was relatively recent. Why did you get married?- She wanted to get married,for it was just a signature;Imarried her a long time ago(in my head).I´ve asked her same question by the way,never got an answer.
how? -by killing every attempt i made to "fix" our marriage and ignoring me doing whatever she felt like without considering my feelings.
why on earth would you say "No"??-at the time I thought was a stupid idea and our problems would disappear by themselves.
What did she SPECIFICALLY SAY bothered her? Lacking friends and ignoring her are a tad vague. How did you ignore her?-basically spending no time with her,doing my own thing.(regret this deeply)
what have you learned about yourself in this? What are you working on changing in YOU?-I have to work on social skills; sometimes you need people,I´ve always been a loner.I can be pretty blunt.Im trying to learn how to communicate.
you see how you made it easier on her, again, by asking for what you feared? Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy... Mistakes are not tragedies but learn from them!-should have stayed,but I guess it´s too late now to move back in.
so what are you working on in YOU?-In a few words;become more extrovert/outgoing.
Is this still fixable?!!!What do I do!!??HELP ME!!!!
Something I´d like to add:house is paid for,so is the furniture and the cars.Maybe she is thinking she can "afford this crises".What would she have done the same if things were financially a little bit harder?!
Saw her briefly today.She told me it would be better for her to move to an apartment,but she can´t cause of the dogs.Sounded to me as if something is starting to click.She´s starting to realize she has issues and needs to move away to find answers and can´t go on living her life like this?!I´m convinced now she´s having some sort of MLC. >Is this a (little) cry for help?!Now I wannna help her by taking the dogs of her hand and help her moving.Like I said, I think she´s too protected.Will this another mistake of mine?I know I´ve made many already.
Man, it's so tough to know what to do but I do think there are a few things that might help your situation. I am in a similar situation to you. My WAW is still living with me but in a separate room. I feel that as long as she stays with me and I work on what I can control/improve, mainly myself, that there is hope. What I am suggesting is that if you both can live together I feel like a reconciliation is more probable, but only if you stick to the divorce busting recommendations. I keep hearing that time is an ally and I'm startibng to believe it so maybe time will be your ally. I suggest you take this as an opportunity to self examine, and I mean really self examine, and figure out in all of that what areas in your relationship you should impove on. I was as confused as you were but over time I am starting to see the positive effects of DB'ing. Very small but positive gains. I can't tell you that the time it takes won;t suck beyond all belief but you will either come out of this as a more self aware person and just maybe in a better relationship with your wife. Best of luck!
