another waw

[kyle112]

Hello everybody,
I’m new here and hoping to find some answers.
Over 6 months ago I started to see some changes in my wife´s behavior .I Noticed but didn´t take any action. Then on a Sunday I asked why she didn´t care about me anymore, she told me she didn´t love anymore and wanted a divorce .I knew that there was a problem but this blew me away .I got upset , angry and hurt. We´ve been together for 16 years married for 2.I´m 37 she´s 36 no children.
From this point on my life has been hell. She kept on hurting me day after day .I lost a lot of weight since then. One day she suggested marriage counseling. Of course I said “no” right away, but it didn´t take me long to realize this might be a good thing.

So a few months ago we went and she started venting: In those 16 years together I´ve ignored her on a regular basis. We´ve been living at my parent´s for 10 and things got ugly, but I was too blind to see. In retrospect: She was absolutely right .Another thing she complained about, is my lack of social skills, also true. I don´t have any friends and before all this (thought), didn´t need any.

On our second session we got homework : meet each other´s needs/surprise one another. I did all I could think off; she hardly made an effort. Still we took a little trip for a weekend, but most of the time she spent on her cell talking to her friends.

Our third session was a private one .I realized what I´ve done and I know especially now how important it is to have friends. However she refused to talk to me, all she could talk about was friends and work. Meanwhile the hurting went on till I couldn´t take it anymore. So one day I asked her: ”Do you want me to leave, if so I´m gone by the end of the week.” I gave it a few days and got the answer: ”yes”. The next Sunday, I packed my stuff and went to my parent´s.(no other place to go). It was a very emotional day, she left when I was gathering my things. It was too painful for her. On the moment I actually left she cried and kissed me good-bye. Since there was still one session planned, I told her I was gonna be there no matter what.

Fourth session: She showed up which was a good sign I guess. Once again private sessions. The counselor gave my wife a “deadline” to figure out if she wants to go on with me. It ´s been 5 weeks now that we´re living apart and since our next appointment is within a week I would like some advice.

It has been really difficult for me: every day I go to work I pass by our little house (that I built myself). I know I have to give her space, although it´s the last thing I want. I´ve decided to take another road just to avoid her. I still love her and am hoping for a second chance. I´ve never been abusive, I don´t drink, cheat, do drugs. I ´ve always been working (too much also part of the problem) , but also to give my wife what she needs.

I´m waiting for her to call me to give an answer. Probably this will be the last day before our (last) session. What can/should I do or say?
I want her back, hopefully it´s not too late. I don´t wanna give up without a fight. You don´t just erase 16 years…

Thank you.

[Rick1963]

Sorry you find yourself here but it is the right place to be. post in the newcomers forum there is more traffic there. You will lots of good advice. if you want to save your M read the DR book and read the following list. Link this thread under the newconmers forum. Good luck and we are here to help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.