A Bklyn tale

[PEI]

Love the attitude

Don't give him a chance to tell you those things! If you chose to reply, say something like "great pics! looks like you had fun!" and then leave it alone ...

Peace
PEI

[Autumn Leaves]

But come on he is not gonna be able to resist me forever;)

Of course he can't!! Great way to look at it Bklyn!

[Nblost]

Keep it up! I'm seeing a few of the same small glimmers of improvement and I think we need to stay encouraged and positive (without getting too excited). I keep trying to remember too how much "nicer" H is being to me than he was in mid-summer. If you think of how negative he's been, it's huge that he's complimenting and noticing you. Men are not like women...they don't just compliment each other as a natural part of conversation!

(although, my H is still in a PA...so I can't get too excited about anything until that is over...although, he is still in our house)

[BklynMom]

Thks guys for the encouragement. I am really trying to stay with the positive mind frame, it is just so easy to let the negative voices slip in.

Thank goodness for DBing. I really think my H reaching out to me is a result of going dim. We were always going to have a relationship as parents but now because he has made the first move in communicating it allows him to feel like he has the upper hand. Like he leading. This is very important in our dynamic. My H needs to feel like The man.

I definitely diminished some of his masculinity when we were together by being too controlling and bossy. I need to surrender that and let him be in charge & trust that he will take care of us.

I have been thinking the past few days how badly I handled the sitch before I had DB.

Even when I was on my best behavior I think my unspoken message to my H was I dare you to leave me & our D. You wont dare leave us & tell your respectable family that you are leaving us.

I never said those words but I think I conveyed them between my crying pleads of "I love you". In many ways I pushed him out the door.

I dont regret that he moved out. I think our R will be stronger because of it.

I think having his own apartment is part of his fantasy and he has to live it out before he can come back. I really believe he will come back. How can he not come back to 2 perfect little girls, a wife that adores him, who is & has changed many of her negative behaviors & a woman open to forgiveness?? How can he not at least try??

I think I should no longer be dim and I need to continue engaging with him. This is so scary to me. I dont want to mess it up. I am definitely going to need to speak to a DB coach.

I think my H has only seen some of my changes because for 3 months I have seen & spoken to him so rarely. I need to increase my communication so that he can see the consistancy of these changes. I am ready!!! ....i think?

[PERSEVERANCE]

Good for you B! It sounds like things are moving in a positive direction, that's awesome. You have a great attitude.
P

[gonnawinherback]

Hi BkM,
looking to get started on my own string here, and thought I should familiarize myself with the culture, so I just read your string through. First, great attitude! Love it! Second, your story inspires me - I can see the small but distinct improvements you've achieved, and reconfirms the benefits of DBing. Thx!

A couple of thoughts on your sitch: first, I total relate to your Xmas concerns. My thxgiving was mediocre & expect Xmas could be too. But gotta get through it, act happy for the kids, make it the best you can even if its not what you hoped for. Best scenerio is to own the difference, do something you couldn't have within the R.

Second, although I am the one trying to save my M, I can relate some to your H. Had a wife prone to meltdowns, and worked his butt off to build you up (constantly sayin ILY). Took tons of emotional energy, but wasn't getting the recharge he needed (you mentioned discrepencies in libido). Probably felt like a guy pushing a rock uphill - finally couldn't do anymore, hence ILYBNILWY. Now he's recharging his batteries. Needs to know he wont have to push that rock anymore, or at least the rock is smaller and he can get something back to recharge, before he's coming back to the R. You gotta be STRONG, and he's gotta believe its a permanent change. Gonna take time.

Last, the drinking and email comment about his pain are not signs of a happy camper. I don't think he's loving the coparent thing. My 2 cents.

Good luck! And keep up the good work

[Valeska19]

BkM
I agree with everyone else that your attitude is great.

Speaking with a DB coach might not be a bad idea. I would definitely speak to one before deciding to stop being dim and increasing your activity. You don't want to stop what's working... you want to build on it.

Keep on Keeping on.

[CO1978]

I think having his own apartment is part of his fantasy and he has to live it out before he can come back. I really believe he will come back. How can he not come back to 2 perfect little girls, a wife that adores him, who is & has changed many of her negative behaviors & a woman open to forgiveness?? How can he not at least try??

You are absolutly right. Any WAS that can't see what is waiting for them are fools. You have agreat outlook on things. More interaction would probably be great, you just have to be careful and think before you speak, and not come off desperate. That is easier said them done for all of us.

[BklynMom]

Thanks guys for some great advice.

"think before you speak, and not come off desperate."

In July there is no way I could speak without being desperate, but sometimes now I am able to. Its so hard to stay positive and strong day in and day out.

I definitely need a DB coach session. It was a long weekend with the girls. When my D3 cried for Daddy I was ready to shout, "Dont you get it he left us!" But instead I said "Daddy loves you baby, you will see him soon" I need to recharge

GWHB starting your own thread is a great idea. I trolled for a while and writing my story and getting feedback has been such a healing component for me. I highly recommend. Your words meant so much to me, especially "the drinking and email comment about his pain are not signs of a happy camper. I don't think he's loving the coparent thing. My 2 cents."

Hearing his perspective is hard. But I need to hear it. I need to understand it.

The girls and I had a mostly fun weekend. Hung out in the playground and with neighbors but stuck close to home. But its is not easy being alone with them all weekend. At 3 & 1 they are quite demanding.

We were playing with a girl on the block and she mentioned she was going to another kid's, kenny's, Bday party, my D3 had not been invited to the party. My D3 said "but I know Kenny too!" It made me so sad.

It was one of those instances where normally you might be a little bummed out but for me it kind of snowballed into super sad.

.... Maybe she didnt get invited cause I'm a bad mom, I'm not social enough. Clearly I'm a bad mom cause my H left me, but I must really be bad cause my kid isnt even going to this freaking party. What kind of mom has H that leaves them, I most really be awful...

I got over it (kind of) as did my D3 (she forgot). But I guess every little temper tantrum I think might be because my H is abandoning us.

H has continued to call at bedtime & I have continued to be chill. Fingers crossed.

[WenikiTiki]

I wouldn't let a birthday party invite, or lack thereof bother me. I will bet you it is one of those moms who limits the party to the number of children invited equalling the age of the child. Don't take those kind of things personal!