wife had affair and now a divorce as well

[meee102345]

Hi All

My wife had an affair and confessed this to me .We where having problems this whole year as in normal relationships there is the times when you take your wife for granted ,make her feel unappreciated,family issues etc .She told me in the beginning of the year that she wanted a divorce ...I fought hard and changed myself and did the best that i could ,but also making mistakes along the way .Begining september i moved out to give her space ,but then 2 weeks afterwards she wanted me to come home from work and confessed she had an affair with a friend of ours ..it was hectic as his wife was phoning me ,phoning my wife ,him trying to get my wife back etc ....i forgave her and wanted us to work on our marriage although i had to really still deal with the fact my wife had an affair .it was hell but i went through it ,throwing tantrums about things but not being abusive or anything like that .My wife and i talked about the details and she admitted that she misses him in all ways ..me as a man was so angry and how could she still miss him etc etc ... she has now decided to want a divorce because she is not happy and wants different things and all of that ...i was really broken and mean how can she just throw in the towel when i gave her another chance and willing to work ...i know that it wont be easy at first but we can become stronger through this ...why does it feel like i have really being given an unfair situation

[cat03]

it is unfair, it is awful... accept it... now, she is blinded and she wants the greener grass... the more you try to "make her" stay with you the more she will run away... infatuation does that. Do know that she did not choose him for who he is or any other reason, she is looking for an escape and to hear what she wants to hear.

Tell her you accept she needs time and that you are willing to give her that. That you will be going to marriage counselor, that you would like her to join you (invite her don't tell her to go). You seem very angry, and obviously I don't blame you, I was there too... but understand, that an upset clingy person is very unattractive. Be that man she fell in love with, confident. In the meantime, work on forgiving truly, ask yourself "can I truly forgive her?" if yes, then you have to accept she has to mourn her old R, she will miss him for a while, it hurts but this is a feeling that can go away with time. But you move forward, date her again, don't push her, give her time and work on yourself.

I know it hurts and this sitch [censored], I get you... but look at your goal, what do you ultimately want to happen? GAL, you can do it.

[witz10]

I am in the same boat. My wife and I separated 6 months ago and she is now with a guy from our building that has paid a lot of attention to her. I don't see this working out. We are getting a separation agreement worked up she said to me she was not filing. I don't know what to do. I have my therapy tonight so that worked out well cause I found all this out last night. I spoke with some friends and they all said what I thought. Work on me and concentrate on me and my two kids. The big question is can or would I take her back. My heart says yes she is the mother of my children and I do love her, but my mind knows what it knows. Could I be intimate with her could I look at her without thinking what I know? I don't know.

[cat03]

it is a very hard question witz, some can't move beyond that and even they get back together the knowledge festers inside. Do see an IC, just for you... you must truly forgive her in order to keep trying to work this out, and she must be repentant and want to be with you, right now she is in la-la land, amazing how the A blinds people to all reason, the kids, family, future, don't matter, it's the fuzzy feeling they feel with their forbiden and new toy. It is truly a shame, I pray you find strenght, and even if you decide you can't have her back do forgive her for yourself, to be able to move forward.

[witz10]

Its been hard this week. My W sent me the separation agreement that I took to my A and he said don't sign it. Knowing that the holidays are literally right here is hard. I am jewish my W is not so this is the first year I will not be with her on Xmas Eve at my IL's with kids. I will be up at my condo Xmas morning and then at my IL's. After that I have gone dark. We only talk through email unless its important to call or when we see each other every now and then. I have kids during new years so that will be hard. Knowing she is partying with this expletive drunk. I am hoping that by not seeing me she will miss me in the new year and it will be a new start in more ways. I am keeping my hopes and dreams alive.
Good luck to all going through this. It is a club I never wanted to join but the people are nice.

[luvless]

"It's a club I never wanted to join but the people are nice."

cute! witz and I sure agree with you!

[25yearsmlc]

deciding IF you can forgive the affair is one step.

You do not have to know right away, but some know they can't do it. May as well face that and move along...

but I also know many couples think they'd never get past it but they do.

Nor can you PRESENTLY, decide all the conditions you would need for reconciliation and forgiveness

b/c the spouse is not in a place to really "hear" you yet either.

But know this---here is what NOT TO Do...

take them back and hold it over their heads the rest of their lives AND OR

throw it in their face every time you feel insecure.

That is the worst possible course of action. And if the WAS believes that is what you would do

they won't even make an effort to come back, b/c they don't want that type of life...

so regardless of your feelings at this point IF you are open to working on it

you cannot make it seem impossible.

Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth...for now at least.


Hang in there, things do get better and couples DO recover after an affair.

But the anger you feel cannot be shown right now...it will make it seem like she's going to have to climb Mt Everest

and being angry at her, may push her back into the arms of the OM...

it sure won't help your cause any. Don't let pride/ego and anger end the marriage.

If you really cannot ever get past this, let TIME reveal that to you. Don't let your anger or pride push her so far away that you later regret not figuring it out well.

Hope that makes sense

Sorry for your pain...it does get better, I promise.


PS--have you bravely looked inward to see what your own role in this was?

I mean you said the OM paid a lot of attention to her and you didn't...for how long were her needs unmet?

Are you different now? I mean would you be the same way to her if you two did reconcile?

It's crucial to realize the only way the marriage CAN survive is if YOU CHANGE


yep, YOU have to change...sure, we know that down the road she will have her own work to do

but you are the one wanting the marriage to work at the moment. You are posting here, not her.

She is undecided - so as unfair as it all seems to you now, it's reality. You love her and want it to work

so the work is on YOU for now...and all you control is YOU...so

what are you going to do differently now? Have you ordered and read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books yet?

I highly recommend you start with that...asap....read them so you know our approach here b/c we take a radically different approach to solving marriage problems here.


Unlike some, we don't focus on the past (scorecard) and we want you to focus on doing

what helps the marriage and NOT doing what hurts the marriage.

Simple, but radically different than most who ask and ask WHY? WHY? WHY?

All that matters (for now) is you own YOUR part, work on YOU and become the best man you can become...

be a man only a fool would leave...

things will be revealed in time.


((( )))

[witz10]

[quote=25yearsmlc]deciding IF you can forgive the affair is one step.
I can forgive her for the affair. I read somewhere that I too am too blame for her affair. Because of my lack of attention. I totally agree and I know I am strong enough that we can work through this if and when she is ready. I was at a xmas party and a old friend of mine who knows what is going on thinks I am wrong about wanting her back. But like someone said on here they don't know unless it happens to them. This is truly the only place to come to to talk about this. Friends and family just don't understand.


[take them back and hold it over their heads the rest of their lives AND OR throw it in their face every time you feel insecure.]

I would not do this. If it got to that point that I would say something I would shut my mouth and walk away. I know it would be hard. If we were to get back together by this summer I will be a nervous wreck. She is off all summer and the drunk does not work and would be home as well. So I would question constantly. But that is wishful thinking at this time.
My plans if she comes back is stick with my therapy plus her own. Couples therapy every other week and possibly some courses together to make sure we are fine and grow stronger from this.

Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth...for now at least.
I really like this line.


[PS--have you bravely looked inward to see what your own role in this was?]

I have another thread on here (WAW) where I talk about what I have realized about me.
I have read DB and now reading DR which is much better. Can't wait for the movie.
I have been treating her better and paying more attention when needed also backing off when needed.

[Are you different now? I mean would you be the same way to her if you two did reconcile?]
I am now the person she fell in love with and married. Not the person I was when we moved back from LA. My head is on straight.

[be a man only a fool would leave...]
A lot of my friends already think she is a fool for this cause they see how I have changed and how I am fighting for us.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/wink.gif

[25yearsmlc]

just a note

you ought to post only on ONE THREAD b/c it is hard for us to keep up with your story if we have to track down your other comments in other places.

If you want us to follow your story and assist with any input, post in one place.

THen tell us where that is so we don't have to hunt.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

Witz

I posted on your other thread which seems to be the main one. Even so, I thought I'd post a brief note here-

Have a good holiday and if you can, stay "in the moment."

I recall my first crazy Christmas of h's MLC, and how angry and hurt I was. I was not able to fake my way through it and it still bugs me b/c I did make a choice to stay hurt.

I mean, I didn't fully "get" DBing yet, so I was not able to compartmentalize the way I needed to.

But I learned! So will you.

Be in the present, enjoy THAT moment...and in time, you'll see that you created memories for your children at the very least.

Sometimes you'll have done a lot more good than that, but even if not, creating good memories for your kids IS a very worthy goal.

So, "be here now" and have a great Channukkah. (I never know how to spell that b/c I think I've seen it 3 different ways...so I hope that's close enough).


((( )))