Daughter is not mine...

[25yearsmlc]

Have you checked the DNA of your other kids?

Also the business she used your money to start with the OM is considered marital property. He only gets half while you and your wife splits the other half. If marital money paid for the entire business then its all yours and the wife. Get a lawyer....if it generates $$$ then at least they will half to settle.

Who is paying support for the OM's kid??? She can't make you.

Sorry to say but its appears over so protect yourself and your kids and don't let her railroad you into a bad settlement and childcare $$$. The OM will gladly let you pay for her while maintaining contact with her as daddy!!!

InlikeFlynn

I've posted thousands of posts here and have never once told someone "it's over"...

and I'm a L--- but I veer off giving legal advice for obvious reasons... I just tell them to seek out legal advice. But you hand it out.

Please take more care with what you post here.

THIS is a promarriage site. No, not "save the m" at all costs...but I sense a lot of projections going on. And it is so negative!

The advice you give isn't based on DBing..have you read the DB materials?

[Finah]

Hollow

You can make this work......other people have.

Following one right now that is like your case and they are working on recovery.


Couple hurdles:

your WW infidelity
your child that WW had w/ POSOM
and the death of your child

A M w/ you is a constant reminder of all those things.

I'm not so sure you want to drive a wedge further b/w you two than there all ready is.

So I think it's important that your WW see's a way out of this........that you can lead her out of this.

You are the better father, you are the better man.

Let those qualities shine through.

I'd ask ur DB coach if they think it's a good idea to let your WW know that you have a plan out of this and you want to save your family.......whether that is through a letter or talking and addressing those hurdles and owning your side.

[thehollowman]

Finah,

Can you give me the name of the thread you are following? You said the situation is similar to mine and the couple is in recovery.

[dbmod]

^

[dbmod]

Have you checked the DNA of your other kids?

Also the business she used your money to start with the OM is considered marital property. He only gets half while you and your wife splits the other half. If marital money paid for the entire business then its all yours and the wife. Get a lawyer....if it generates $$$ then at least they will half to settle.

Who is paying support for the OM's kid??? She can't make you.

Sorry to say but its appears over so protect yourself and your kids and don't let her railroad you into a bad settlement and childcare $$$. The OM will gladly let you pay for her while maintaining contact with her as daddy!!!

InlikeFlynn

I've posted thousands of posts here and have never once told someone "it's over"...

and I'm a L--- but I veer off giving legal advice for obvious reasons... I just tell them to seek out legal advice. But you hand it out.

Please take more care with what you post here.

THIS is a promarriage site. No, not "save the m" at all costs...but I sense a lot of projections going on. And it is so negative!

The advice you give isn't based on DBing..have you read the DB materials?

Beautiful post.

[kml]

Have you checked the DNA of your other kids?

He already said he checked his middle daughter and she is his. He wondered about his deceased older daughter and was advised to let her rest in peace (what possible good would there be in doing that?)

Also the business she used your money to start with the OM is considered marital property. He only gets half while you and your wife splits the other half. If marital money paid for the entire business then its all yours and the wife. Get a lawyer....if it generates $$$ then at least they will half to settle.

This may well be true, depending on state laws, and should be pursued when and if divorce is happening. But if reconciliation is still desired, it wouldn't be the first thing that should pop out of your mouth.

Who is paying support for the OM's kid??? She can't make you.

I'm no lawyer but I know that in some states, a child born in a marriage is PRESUMED to be the child of the husband. This is a sticky area of the law I think - designed perhaps to protect the relationship that already exists between you and this child. Legal advice should be obtained. If you love this little girl, and are the only father she has known, will you lose visitation rights if you fight to have the biological father pay child support? I have no idea how all this would work out.

Sorry to say but its appears over so protect yourself and your kids and don't let her railroad you into a bad settlement and childcare $$$. The OM will gladly let you pay for her while maintaining contact with her as daddy!!!

No one can predict at this point whether it is over. A lot depends on your wife's state of mind, her character, and your ability to step up to the plate. You have both been through a tremendous, tragic loss. It sounds like neither of you handled it perfectly (who could?) - you became depressed and withdrawn, she sought comfort with another man. Forgivable human errors in a time of tragedy.

And, although I know it sounds incredibly awful what she did - having sex with you to cover up the fact that she'd gotten pregnant from an affair - you might try to think with compassion about how awful that experience might have been for her. She screwed up - BIG time - and did what she knew would keep the family together. She had to live with the guilt of that every day - I can't IMAGINE what that's like, watching your husband with your newborn baby and knowing it's not his? Being reminded every day of your screwup? It seems like the guilt would be crushing. Then losing a child on top of it?

I'm not excusing it. But trying to find some Buddhist compassion for the human frailty of it all.

As for the biological father - surely, if he had wanted to step up to the plate, marry her and father his child, he would have done something before now? So she might be telling the truth when she says they are just friends now - I don't know.

There HAVE been men here who have committed to raising the child of their wife's affair (and vice versa). I think it takes a big heart to do that, I admire that. I think it also takes genuine remorse on the part of the straying wife, and ownership on the husband's part of the role he may have played in their marital discord.

Right now, you don't have control over much but your own self and your own actions. Try sticking to the high road, setting a good example for your kids, fixing whatever you need to work on in yourself, and give it a little time. Be impeccable with your words and actions.

[thehollowman]

Thank you so much for your support.

I'm afraid I may have shot myself in the foot yesterday. She went out of town for business. I asked her to drop off the minivan before she left.

When she dropped it off yesterday who do you think was with her? Her "friend". Another person who was going with them to the airport was also in the car. We had a bit of a stare down competition going.

My wife put the van in the driveway and wasn't going to come to the door to talk. Our daughter came to the door and wanted to see her and say goodbye. So she ended up coming in for a few minutes.

She commented on my staring at her "friend". I told her not to worry. I'm not going to shoot him...yet. She told me I am going to have to learn to let this go. Then she got in the car with the other two and left for the aiport.

Right after she left I sent her a text saying "Don't ever bring him anywhere near our home again."

I have my inlaws in town this weekend. They know about her cheating. I had asked them not to say anything to my friends or family because I am hoping to reconcile and am trying to protect her reputation. They are going over to my mom's house this afternoon to pick up the girls.

I am worried that my mother-in-law will tell my mom. My mom is really broken up over this. She keeps asking over and over why this happened and how can Lori do this to me and the kids. I am afraid that the spectacle of my mom so distraught and grasping for answers may make my MIL spill the beans.

I am also unsure of what to say to them tomorrow morning. The babysitter/cleaning lady/nanny told my cousin that she thinks Audrey is his child. My cousin is a nurse and asked me if I wanted her to find out about DNA testing. If my cousin suspects this she will probably tell my aunt. Who will probably tell my mom.

Also, my brother-in-law has connected the dots. He knows how old Audrey is. He knows when Lori was fired from her previous job. He knows that she spends an inordinate amount of time with him and travels with him for business. He has been telling me for over a month to have a DNA test done.

The question I am asking myself right now is do I tell my inlaws tomorrow morning. The truth will eventually come out. I have family members now questioning her paternity. Those suspicions will soon reach my mom. If she hasn't already had that silent fear.

My other view on this is that if I tell my inlaws that is two more people who know and that can somehow make it's way back to my mom. My wife tried to manipulate me before with the comment of if I tell her dad it will only hurt him and that I would only be doing it to make her look bad.

There is more than a modicum of truth in that a part of me would like to hurt her somehow in her father's eyes. I don't know if my telling them would change anything or not. She is a grown woman and isn't going to go to counseling or move back home because her dad told her to.

I would like to see my inlaws take more of a stand however. I want to tell my father in law that he is her father and needs to start acting like it. Tell her in no uncertain terms how deeply ashamed and disappointed he is in her. Let her know that he is not going to be supportive of whatever decision she makes.

He and her late mother did not raise her to be an adulterer, deceiver and manipulator. That no matter how hard things were with her mother's illness he didn't use that as an excuse to cheat. That he didn't walk out on his family because he wasn't happy. That her mother and daughter looking down from heaven would not want her to pursue her own happiness(selfishness) at the expense of her marriage and children.

And my MIL... she sent me a letter basically saying that she wishes there was some way they could help but there is nothing she can do. I know she feels stuck because my wife isn't her daughter. But she was my wife's late mom's good friend. I want to shake her and say what would Lori's mother be saying if she were here right now? You know what needs to be said so say it!

I plan on just being gracious. Thanking them for picking up the girls and spending the night. Tell them that they are always welcome and that the girls love having them at our home. I want to tell them that they don't need to feel awkward because they didn't create the situation we are in.

My head is spinning because there is so much I want to say. Somebody stop this ride so I can get off...

Finah and KML, you have both metioned threads where the husband and wife reconcile in spite of the child's paternity. Can you please direct me to those threads? Thank you.

[dbmod]

You have answered your own questions--Do not tell ANYONE....because of the reasons you already mentioned. Even folks sworn to secrecy feel they have to tell SOMEONE.

Tell it here, if you need to, where it is anonymous (and always keep it that way).

Unfortunately we have too many sad stories from folks who announce it, thinking that was a good idea.



Since what you focus on expands--what is going well?

[kml]

Sorry but those threads were old and I don't remember names. One guy's wife got pregnant by her affair and the guy was in prison now - he planned on raising the child as his.

I agree, DO NOT TELL ANYONE. If people suggest paternity tests to you, just say she is your daughter and that's all that matters.

You see, people CANNOT keep secrets. And it will hurt your daughter in the end, if she grows up with this big "secret" lurking beneath people's interactions with her. Kids sense that kind of stuff, but don't know where it's coming from. Better to keep quiet for the present.

As for her parents - if they already know she cheated, that's enough. No need to tell them the rest. And however nice they may be to you right now, know that in the end, usually blood is thicker than water. They are stuck with her, it makes them uncomfortable to be in the middle, and eventually (usually, not always) they drift off or even start believing the WASs lies about you. You just have to let go of it.

Don't ever joke about shooting OM again. They can actually use that kind of stuff against you in court to mess with your custody, don't give them any kind of opening.

And good for you standing your ground about him not coming to the house. Stick to that.

You know, I know your hope is for reconciliation, and don't take what I am about to say as meaning that I don't think that can happen - I think it could. But right now, today - what you need is a good lawyer. I would suggest you consult one asap. The paternity/custody issues, child support, your ownership share of her business, their ability to perhaps hide money from the business (you may eventually need a forensic accountant too) - you need legal advice asap. And I recommend you copy any and all available financial statements right now. Can you get any of the info on her business? You need to protect yourself in order to protect the interests of your children. This doesn't necessarily mean filing, or even letting her know you've seen the lawyer - but information is power and you need to find out where you will stand. And meanwhile don't do ANYTHING than can appear threatening - a well-deserved punch in the face to the OM could land you in jail, with a restraining order and supervised (limited) visitation - I've seen it happen here.

[25yearsmlc]

ASSUMING YOU WANT A RECONCILIATION...and trust me, it's NOT clear to me that is what you want...

then let me pass on a few tips my DB coach gave me:

1) Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth.

2) Lose the Anger, at least in front of her, or you'll simply fuel the negatives she is using to justify leaving in the first place. IOW, you will be helping her validate and confirm her choice to leave.

3) Do not "show her the consequences of her choices" or "Teach her a lesson" b/c that is NOT your job. Life does that. Not a spouse. It's almost always coming from a judgemental place of anger.

It's punitive and vindictive and it shows.

4) the more people who know, the harder it is for her to overcome AND the higher chance her pride will kick in and in an effort to justify her choices, she'll file for divorce or dig her heels in MORE, not less.

I say this from experience. Although I did not have OM's child, I did almost have an affair 20 years ago.

My h was in med training and was so relentlessly tired and working or GONE or on call and not available and exhausted and cranky....I was in fact, very neglected and mistreated.

Most wives in my position felt the same but I also worked full time and then had 2 small kids. And a handsome "kevin Costner" lookalike worked with me and paid me a LOT of attention at a vulnerable time.

Suffice to say that we had what most would refer to as an EA and almost a full PA. On my own, with the help of a chaplain and some good pro-marriage but non judmental friends, I worked it out and ended the R before it did too much damage to my m. But make no mistake. at the time, I felt justified in having an affair and barely chose not to, and in my mind at the time, I felt h had pushed me into the arms of OM.

IF my h had discovered it and THEN told others, or had tried to shame me, I would have done some or ALL of the following:

1) I would have defended my choices; and

2) I would have blamed my h for most of it

3) if he were trying to shame or humiliate me by exposing me ot others,

I would have filed for divorce and never looked back. I would have said to myself, "how DARE he! He caused it!"

Plus, I don't know what your w SAID her issues in the marriage are. Did she say you are an angry man? IF so, do you see how you are going to FUEL that negative image?

What were her specific complaints about marriage to you and what of those complaints, were valid AND what are you doing about those?

IOW what are YOU working on IN YOU?

Bottom line you must remember,

if your wife cannot imagine marriage to you, from this day forward,

being better and different than before, than it's over.

So YOU have to demonstrate change in YOU, and the way you two interact.

IF you're the type of man to hold this over her head like the sword of Damacles

OR
the type of man to throw it in her face every time you fight in the future

OR

IF SHE BELIEVES YOU ARE, then it's doomed...

Forgiveness is not an overnight thing; it's a process. I never saw it growing up so I had to learn it.

So Yes the change starts in you- even if you are the "Victim"...that's the way it is. The WAS feels justified...so

The LBSer takes the first step and the next 99 steps too, before they may see ANY change in the WAS.

But you are te one here posting so we are helping YOU to work on YOU.

So decide what your REAL goal is here...

Thank you so much for your support.

I'm afraid I may have shot myself in the foot yesterday.

THEN LEARN FROM THAT^^^^. Don't repeat it, as you seem to be suggesting...


She went out of town for business. I asked her to drop off the minivan before she left.

When she dropped it off yesterday who do you think was with her? Her "friend". Another person who was going with them to the airport was also in the car. We had a bit of a stare down competition going.

My wife put the van in the driveway and wasn't going to come to the door to talk. Our daughter came to the door and wanted to see her and say goodbye. So she ended up coming in for a few minutes.

She commented on my staring at her "friend". I told her not to worry. I'm not going to shoot him...yet. She told me I am going to have to learn to let this go.

this is true!!! Yes it is. If you cannot let it go, then you will hold it over her head forever and throw it in her face every time you fight...OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT SHE WILL BELIEVE...and that matters.


I have my inlaws in town this weekend. They know about her cheating.


how do they know? If YOU told them, what was the goal?

Btw, I told my father when I considered the affair and he listened and called me back after sleeping on it so he wouldn't just react.

His advice was solid and helpful. He did not condemn. He asked me what MY self image would be like If I broke a commandment, & other things like that.

But he also sympathized with my loneliness and feelings of neglect. That helped too. He gave me suggestions for coping, like doing theater as my avocation b/c I wanted to channel my passions somewhere that didn't threaten my m.
So He appealed to my better side, not condemning my "selfish" traits.


I had asked them not to say anything to my friends or family because I am hoping to reconcile and am trying to protect her reputation.

IF THIS IS TRUE, THEN ASK YOURSELF HOW THE OTHER THINGS YOU SUGGEST BELOW, SUPPORT OR UNDERMINE THIS GOAL...


They are going over to my mom's house this afternoon to pick up the girls.

I am worried that my mother-in-law will tell my mom. My mom is really broken up over this. She keeps asking over and over why this happened and how can Lori do this to me and the kids. I am afraid that the spectacle of my mom so distraught and grasping for answers may make my MIL spill the beans.

that's why we urge you not to tell people. The more people who know, the MORE people will know...but if your mom hears , so be it. Don't let it come from you. Just tell her your goal is reconciliation IF she learns.

I am also unsure of what to say to them tomorrow morning. The babysitter/cleaning lady/nanny told my cousin that she thinks Audrey is his child.

what?? Who appointed her to do this? Who would say this? FIRE HER....

OMG SO NOT any of her business...shockingly indiscreet and arguably evil...WTH? Never heard of such an outrageous breach of trust.

My cousin is a nurse and asked me if I wanted her to find out about DNA testing. If my cousin suspects this she will probably tell my aunt. Who will probably tell my mom.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Is this child SO different looking? Or are you telling people? WTH?

Also, my brother-in-law has connected the dots. He knows how old Audrey is. He knows when Lori was fired from her previous job. He knows that she spends an inordinate amount of time with him and travels with him for business. He has been telling me for over a month to have a DNA test done.

YOU need to put a stop to this. Stop them from hurting your d and if you really care about your w's rep, it's up to YOU to stop the rumors...good grief.


The question I am asking myself right now is do I tell my inlaws tomorrow morning. The truth will eventually come out. I have family members now questioning her paternity. Those suspicions will soon reach my mom. If she hasn't already had that silent fear.


Why do they have all these suspicions? Why will "the truth" come out? I'm missing something here...

I've never heard of this many people questioning a child's paternity, when the mother is married. Is the child a different race than you?


My other view on this is that if I tell my inlaws that is two more people who know and that can somehow make it's way back to my mom. My wife tried to manipulate me before with the comment of if I tell her dad it will only hurt him and that I would only be doing it to make her look bad.

well it WILL hurt him so that's true. And it would make her look bad. And that is part of why you want to do it so again, I ask, what is your goal?

It confirms in your w's mind that you are NOT a forgiving man and there is no point in her even trying to overcome this. I am not telling you that you MUST forgive her and must take her back if she wants to.

I AM saying that if your goal really is reconciliation, you have a funny way of showing that. It's like you think shame is an effective tool to get a woman back to stay. It's not.



There is more than a modicum of truth in that a part of me would like to hurt her somehow in her father's eyes.

wow. That would not help your marriage at all. But it would hurt both him and her. Gee, how's that make you feel about yourself?

I mean, is it possible some of these reactions of yours, reflect an underlying flaw of yours that she is not attracted to? Is this who you are? Is this who you want to be?

I don't know if my telling them would change anything or not. She is a grown woman and isn't going to go to counseling or move back home because her dad told her to.

Correct...so what would it accomplish?

I would like to see my inlaws take more of a stand however. I want to tell my father in law that he is her father and needs to start acting like it. Tell her in no uncertain terms how deeply ashamed and disappointed he is in her. Let her know that he is not going to be supportive of whatever decision she makes.


all I can say is that despite the pain I know you are in, this^^^ is such a repulsive turn off for me to read, that all I can ask you to do, is read what MY father said to me...and reflect on that.


He and her late mother did not raise her to be an adulterer, deceiver and manipulator. That no matter how hard things were with her mother's illness he didn't use that as an excuse to cheat. That he didn't walk out on his family because he wasn't happy. That her mother and daughter looking down from heaven would not want her to pursue her own happiness(selfishness) at the expense of her marriage and children.

Good luck with the "Shame on you" approach...

Hey you are not in a position of someone who wants to forgive and it really shows...so, maybe you need to work on that A WHOLE LOT before you even think that you are DBing..

Have you read the materials Div Busting and Div Remedy provides? How about this site?

You seem to be in so much pain and mired in anger that you want your whole world to share in it AND to condemn your wife and then somehow

you think it will lead to what? her crawling back to you? That's the only way it oculd happen with all these people knowing AND your attitude.

And it's the least likely way to produce your goal.


And my MIL... she sent me a letter basically saying that she wishes there was some way they could help but there is nothing she can do. I know she feels stuck because my wife isn't her daughter. But she was my wife's late mom's good friend. I want to shake her and say what would Lori's mother be saying if she were here right now? You know what needs to be said so say it!



Please stop this...it's SO unloving.

Heres something you need to think about HARD...

I grew up with a neighbor family of 5 kids and the dad was a Colonel and the mom was a Radcliffe grad. He had been a POW for 5 years in Vietnam before they married.
Anyhow, we knew that years earlier, the h had had an affair. How did we, even the teenagers, know this? B/c somehow the w had let it slip out...

so all of us knew and so did their kids...when we'd ask the Colonel about his POW years or something about his Silver Star for valor, she'd interrupt or change the subject. I used to think she was protecting him in some way but she wasn't. She was a bitter woman, filled with anger at her h for something that was long over before we met him.

When we partied there or interacted, all we knew was that HE was a fun loving host. And she was a bitch. She chose to stay married but not to forgive. To me that is the worst choice of all and for all concerned.

Today, not one of her 4 d's is happily married or ever married. Her son lives far away from her (the Colonel died). Don't be like her. We felt SHE was the cause of the affair b/c she was so angry and bitter that who could love that?

Who would do that to their own children, punish the spouse at the expense of so many others?

I see you risking this...


I plan on just being gracious.

how so? I mean, giving all the other stuff you wrote here...

Thanking them for picking up the girls and spending the night. Tell them that they are always welcome and that the girls love having them at our home. I want to tell them that they don't need to feel awkward because they didn't create the situation we are in.

My head is spinning because there is so much I want to say. Somebody stop this ride so I can get off...

No offense but You need to learn to shut the heck up.

turn this over to God. Tell Him you want HIM to handle your anger and pain for now.

Turn it over to HIM and don't take it back...do this out loud in the shower if you have to. But do it.

Say it out loud, "God, I turn this marriage over to you. I turn my anger and pain over to you for it is too much for me today."

I did this about 40 times a day and believe it or not, it helps. Hearing it, thinking it, and saying it, help it sink in.

Finah and KML, you have both metioned threads where the husband and wife reconcile in spite of the child's paternity. Can you please direct me to those threads? Thank you.

read up on Forgiveness as a concept and as a goal. It's crucial no matter what happens to your m.

Your desire to punish her and to have others condemn her behavior will consume YOU.

I know from experience that when my h left our home for 2 years, I was obsessive and condemning of his selfishness after all my sacrifices and the kids' and all the moves for HIS career...

I told everyone who would listen that he was doing this...and I get really boring and a real drag to be around

and my anger consumed ME...it hurt MY relationships with the kids and others. I was not fully present for them as I was too preoccupied with my pain and desire for "justice"...

I had to decide if I wanted to be "right" or happy...I chose happy.