I've been lurking for a while and decided it's time to share my story.
Here is the background info- married 14 years, living together for 20; one 8 year old son, W and I are both 42.
Over the past 10 years, our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, maybe 6 times per year, and the quality and level of intimate connection has been missing. About a year ago, I told my W I had enough and that we absolutely needed to find an MC.
We did, and saw the MC for about six months. In that time, our sex life did not improve at all- and I said I would no longer pay for the MC (though my wife said it was helping). We decided to tackle the problems on our own, as it seemed we kept rehashing the same old stuff in therapy.
The basic issues are that my W doesn't feel an emotional connection. Fair enough, I consciously pulled back emotionally years ago when the hurt and rejection became too much. So it's the common spiral- she refuses my sexual advances, I feel hurt and pull back emotionally, she feels less of a connection and isn't interested in sex.
So we're supposedly trying to tackle these problems, but I'm not seeing too much of an effort on my wife's part- even though I've made it clear that I'm 50/50 on staying married. I read SSM, and have been putting those suggestions into action. I've backed off bugging her about sex or about reading the book. I'm focusing on myself more and working out a GAL plan.
Step one is to quit smoking- which W says is a huge turnoff for her (even though she smokes too). In any case, we both need to quit, but this is a huge hurdle for me. I smoke because I feel like [censored] about myself, and likely to subconsciously hurt her. It's a total Catch-22, but I feel like I need to take this step anyway.
I have noticed that she's doing more for herself too, and I think she really wants to make things work. We talked briefly last night, and she said she feels like whatever she does won't be good enough anyway. Not sure where this comes from, we need to talk more about it.
In the meantime I'm chomping at the bit to get this marriage back on track and really trying to hold back from pressuring her.
That's pretty much the current state of affairs. I'm happy to have found this board- I was on another forum focused on SSM's (not a MWD site), but the tone on that site was self-pity, victimization and vilification of the LD spouse. Not helpful, unless you've decided D is the only option. So here I am!
Have you considered a sex therapist? Not just a MC, but someone who specializes in getting that connection back. Are there other issues that prevents your wife from feeling that connection you could fill us in on?
For example, if my H hammered me about something else, the last thing I would want is sex. Women have that heart/vajayjay connection that is soooo important. I would agree that the smoking thing would be a huge turnoff for me, but considering she also smokes that doesn't make sense.
You might also consider posting in the SSM section of this website, those folks can probably give you better insight.
Yes, a good sex therapist would be great here. You should be checking this out.
However, have you considered, and I know it sounds simple but what it is you were doing when the sex was great? What were you two doing right?
Have you made a list of these things? If not, get the pen and paper out and get started. It helps to put things in perspective. Get it onto the paper and off the mind. I've seen this time and time again.
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
